Reality Check

I have been feeling a bit emotional lately. I've avoided blogging because I'm not sure I have many positive things to say. This morning, I was thinking maybe it would help process all these feelings. It truly pains me to even say what I think it is. I miss San Diego. I am trying to be honest with you, with myself. I miss my friends. I miss all the great places to eat. I miss the education opportunities for my children. I miss the weather. I miss the get-togethers. I miss the family that we barely saw anyway.  I missed the Christmas lights. I miss my best friend and her family to the point it brings tears to my eyes. I really want a slower life but living a slower life is taking some major getting used to. I'm kinda bored. That's it. That about sums it up perfectly. As much as I hate chaos, activity, and being overwhelmed. I'm a bit lost without it. Wanting to be a certain way and actually changing is almost painful. I have all the things I thought I wanted but I miss what I had. It's been quite the reality check. Don't get me wrong, I know this change will take time. I will adjust. It's just that currently its weighing heavily on me. My heart is pretty darn sad! This is not easy to admit but it's real.

Tis the season

We have found some holiday cheer and some stress to go with it. I think everything is just slower here, took longer to get here. Now, it feels as if the holiday has sprung upon me. All of a sudden I have a million things to do. Clean, wrap, pack, decorate, oh and of course bake. The house is feeling pretty festive. Our first Christmas here will include my parents, my sister, her partner, and my grandmother...plus the 7 of us makes for a full house. Tonight, we will venture to a holiday festival filled with lights and a village with Santa. We did go see the local Santa in town last weekend. Good God, was he bad. Jeans under his clothes and a horrible fake beard. It was quite the disappointment. Also, last weekend we had our potential new friends over for dinner. It went rather well. She shares some of my zombie apocalypse view points, which was fun to discuss. The children got along wonderfully. They even helped clean up when it was time to go which is a huge point maker in my eyes. I took #2 and #3 over to her house on Tuesday to make Christmas cookies. They live about 40 minutes away. In country space, I think that's pretty close. It was an interesting experience. I was a little nervous. When we arrived it took about 45 minutes for their dogs to stop barking incessantly at me. It was annoying but apparently they get very few visitors and the dogs weren't sure how to act. We made some cookies, chatted, and she showed me a lot of her homeschooling material. Her passion for homeschool is inspiring. They had a pair of pet rats which we held and played with. After I put one back in the cage, I leaned forward to make kissy noises at him, because I'm a genius. Who'd a thunk... that sucker bite me right in the nose. It took me awhile to get the bleeding to stop. I wanted to leave right away at that point but I stuck it out another 20minutes or so. I left her house rocking a red transformers Band-Aid across my nose. I looked like Rudolf. Tis the Season!!!

Cabin Fever!

I'm not exactly sure what is lingering in the house but everyone is grumpy. Could it be cabin fever? As a family we have had a lot to adjust to since we moved. Daddy is home almost all the time. He is hard on the kids way more than I am. It's probably good but it stresses them out. It stresses me out. When did I become such a softie? My oldest seems to be suffering from puberty. AGH! The weather is not nearly as bad as I expected, which is fantastic. However, it is pretty darn rainy in comparison to SD. That may be a factor in everybody's mood. Grey weather and grey moods. There is a lack of Christmas activity and spirit around here too. I have went over the top in decorating. The kids and I have made numerous holiday crafts. I think we are missing our family and friends. The holidays in SD, were usually stressful, faced paced, and over-filled. I wanted a slower pace.  At the same time, I miss all the activity. It goes to show....wanting to be a certain way and actually being it, are two very different things. It is just going to take time. I think this family needs to get outta the house together. It's time to find some holiday cheer. We did get invited to make Christmas cookies with the family we had pizza with last week. That and a visit to Santa is a good place to start.

The news!

It's been a full few days down here on the homestead. On Saturday morning, we went to a local livestock auction with the folks that sold us our guardian puppies.  It was quite the experience. We explored the animals and junk for sale ahead of time. I held my number in apprehension. I missed a few items we wanted, purely because it took me awhile to begin understanding the auctioneer. We did get a few goodies and 3 chickens.The people we went with are big horse people. They showed us a beautiful small filly that was set go up for auction. I could tell she was such a good girl. Her eyes spoke to me. Although we had no intention of going home with any animals...most definitely not a horse. We couldn't help ourselves. I started waving my number around when she came to the stage. It has been my daughters dream to have a horse since she was 4 years old. She paid $215 for her new horse, all with her own money. Already they are so beautiful together, I feel sure we made the right decision. The day took much longer than expected. It was chaos when we finally got home. We had to muster a place for our new horse, introduce our new chickens to the group, change the kids, scarf a sandwich, just to jump back in the car, and head to town. We had made plans to hang out with a family at the Christmas parade. I had met this mom and her two sons at the local library. It actually seemed like we could be friends. We ran late, so we missed the parade, by minutes, but still met for pizza. They are very young but sweet. I think we will hang out again in the future. Tomorrow, the plan is to throw together some sort of structure for Lily, our new horse. Its raining tonight...hopefully she isn't too cold. Just in case you were wondering...no, we know nothing about horses. Absolutely nothing...no time like the present to learn quickly.

Down on the farm

The puppies and goats have arrived. We finally finished the fence and structure on Saturday. The structure is completely built out of reclaimed wood. We rescued many usable pieces from our neighbors burn pile. The only thing we purchased was fencing wire and brackets. How is that for sustainable? On Sunday, we spent most of the day watching the kids, goats, and puppies interact. The goats(from San Diego) are more like pets. They were bottle fed, overly friendly, and sometimes pushy. The puppies are beyond adorable. We named them Kahlyssi and Aria after characters from Game of Thrones. Both strong Females. It is difficult to leave them outside. I want to cuddle them, however they need to bond with the goats, plus learn to protect them. My intention is to have them guard the whole property, including the children as needed. I am blown away by how smart they are. I am looking forward to training them. I have always been good with animals. My first baby was my dog named Thai. He was incredibly well behaved. When we lived at the beach he would walk without a leash and wait for me out in front of stores. I have his portrait tattooed on me. He was amazing. Another, sustainable thing we did was cut down our own Christmas tree. It was awesome. All the kids, the four dogs, hubby, and I went hiking behind our property. My hubby cut about 6ft off from the top of a Christmas type tree. It will grow back which just makes it all the better.  It is a bit Charlie Brown looking, but I love it. It makes me proud. Life is good, down here on the farm.

Knots in my stomach

I can't sleep. My oldest had a sleep over last night. Her first here. She is almost 12 and her new friend, 13. They met through their grandmothers. They have only hung out a few times. I'm the one who suggested the sleep over. I wanted to meet this girl. I want my daughter to have friends here. I am sick with dread. This girl just didn't seem like the type of friend my daughter would pick. Is she desperate for friends or does she really like her? Please tell me I am over reacting? Obviously I need to expand her bubble. If this is a glimpse into parenting a teenager..I'm in for it. I'll be sipping wine all day, popin zanax like it's candy. I can't take it. My stomach is in knots. I would do anything to protect my children. I will do anything to keep them safe. This girl is bad news. I can smell it a mile away. I'm afraid if I tell #1 no...she'll just want her more. I will do everything in my power to give #1 other choices. Covertly, like a mom ninja. I will strongly steer her in another direction.  I'm starting to doubt homeschooling for numerous reasons, but this may be the front runner. It's time to drastically expand our circle of friends.

Here's why.....

One might wonder why a person would give up a steady income, health insurance, a home in southern California, and a quality education for their kids. So many thoughts have been running through my head lately. I want to share why I gave it up.
I have an enormous responsibility to the 5 children I have brought into the world. I truly believe that the way things are today are not sustainable. Recourses are limited. It's a fact. I believe there will be a day we reminisce about our carelessness with water. "When I was young we used to wash our cars and water our lawns". There is so much discussion about the water shortage, especially in California, but most don't really listen. There will be regret. There will be a day when our air quality is less than breathable. A time when people are surrounded by garbage. Where is this away we think we are throwing things? The trash island the size of Texas will grow. The planet will get warmer. The ice caps will melt. Storms will get worse. There will be consequences to the choices we have made. Things will drastically change. Do I believe this will happen in my lifetime? Probably not. Do I believe it will happen in my children's life time. You bet! It is my responsibility to teach my kids all of life's skills. My children will understand technology but they will not rely on it. I fear for a time when Google doesn't have the answer. I want my children to be well rounded. I want them to be self-sufficient. They will know how to feed themselves in numerous ways. They will know how to protect themselves from numerous things. They will know how to survive in numerous situations. I don't know what the world will look like in 20 years. 40 years. This Wi-Fi focused generation may web-surf themselves right into ignorance and disaster.
I want to make sure my kids haven't developed a false sense of security in an ever changing world. My hope for our homestead is that no matter what happens in the future, my children will have shelter, food to eat, and skills to survive. This is not the only reason we moved....but it's a big one.

All my children

We worked pretty hard today. The chicken coop area is fully enclosed. We are moving the compost pile to a different location, so all the kids had shovels. It started pouring rain during our "homesteading" but we all kept working. The kids put in varying amounts of effort. Its going to take some time to work the city out of them. It was pretty cute watching them dig. Even #5 was playing in the mud. It occurred to me, I haven't said much about my kids. I don't want this blog to focus on them but they are definitely included. At first,  most readers knew my children personally but I think that has changed. I'm going to give a hopefully honest but slightly biased description of each.

#1- She is almost 12 years old. She is very sensitive, intelligent, kind, naturally gifted, and spoiled. She is emotional and affectionate. She pouts and cries a lot. Things come easily to her(ie: music, archery, school). She is a great dancer. She is social and into Pop culture. She is pretty bossy and tends to be a perfectionist. She takes on too much responsibility of caring for her siblings. She wants to grow up too fast. She sneaks candy and her tablet. She doesn't like to get in trouble. She has my sarcastic sense of humor.

#2- This one is feisty. She was born early nearly dying. She is a fighter. At 7, she is curious, impulsive, and creative. She doesn't listen overly well. She is really smart...in a way that almost makes things harder for her. She questions everything and test limits. Consequences are not a big deal to her. She adores her older sister and daddy. She writes songs, poems, stories that are way beyond her years. She gets distracted easily. She is playful and silly. When she puts her mind to it, she works very hard. She can be shy but seems to be growing out of it a bit. She may have some issues with anxiety and over stimulation.

#3 He is a wonderful spoiled 4 year old little boy. The son I wanted but thought Id never have. He is super sweet and sensitive. He is gentle and funny. He loves to cuddle, but also wrestle. He doesn't sleep overly well, however has endless amounts of energy. He is manipulative, dishonest, and sneaky.  He has speech issues. He has hilarious facial expressions and body movements. He likes to make people laugh. He's definitely a Mama's boy.

#4 This little guy is 2 now. He is just adorable. His blue eyes and smile are breathtaking. He loves being a big brother. He is pretty tough and a good listener. He gets jealous for Mommy's attention. He is generally super sweet natured although he has a mean side...especially if he is tired. He is the happiest child in the world when he wakes up in the morning or when someone comes home. His enthusiasm is contagious.

#5 My baby boy just turned 1. He is the perfect baby. He has beautiful features and lots of hair. Except for the oldest the rest were big headed bald babies. He is affectionate and dramatic. He learns very quickly. He speaks a few words, walked quickly, and goes with the flow of our big family like a pro. He is a big fan of mommy. He gives great hugs. He is shy around strangers.

Of course I could not possibly sum up the magic that is my children in a few sentences but it's a glimpse.

What has happened to my husband?

This blogging thing has actually turned into something...I'm not sure how much of a something, but it's a something.  It actually gets referred to when I'm having convos with real people. When I went to my sister's premier party quite a few people mentioned reading it. Kinda cool! Who am I kidding? That's fucking awesome. During a typical day many moments pass by when I think...oh I could write about this....or hey, this would make a good blog. Well, today I have decided to share the what seems to be miraculous transformation my husband is under. On more than one occasion this afternoon, I caught him singing. Yes, actual songs, fiction and non. I asked him last night if he liked it here, he exclaimed "I love it". I don't use the term exclaimed lightly....it truly describes his enthusiasm. Even writing my husband and enthusiasm in the same sentence just feels wrong. My husband is a bit gruff. Some have described him as a scary biker. He can be short-tempered, grumpy, and stressed. Although, maybe I should say used to be? He wasn't when I met him. Could he be changing? He is more light-hearted. He is more playful with the kids, more engaged, more present. I think the trees are working their magic on him like they did me. I'll be honest, in San Diego I didn't like the man he was becoming. I knew he was under a lot of stress but it was hard to be around him sometimes. Our happiness as a family was a big motivation to make this move. It is so reassuring to see the him I've been missing. I am falling in love all over again.

Time to get serious

In the last few weeks my hubby arrived with a 24ft truck full of crap to put away, I flew to San Diego to retrieve our mini-van, drove back with two goats, my best friend and her kids visited, I took them to Portland, drove to Washington to visit my grandmother, returned to Portland to celebrate with my sister, and I am finally home. I thought life in the country was supposed to be slower? Maybe life in general just goes by too fast. The winter is upon us. It's time to get serious. Our new guardian dogs will be ready to come home next week. They need a shelter, as do the goats and pig. We need fencing and firewood. Christmas will be in our house this year with my family, I need to get these boxes put away. I am feeling overwhelmed. I recently gave advice to take one thing at a time, doing only what is possible. I'm pretty good at giving out my advice, mostly because I don't use it anymore. I will do my best to stay present, to remain sane. I can only do what I can do....right? A few days ago, I had an amazing moment in which I stayed for as long as I could. Through divine intervention my hotel in Portland was upgraded to the presidential suite. Wow! My girls were with me on this trip but slept in their grandparents room. After all was settled, I laid on the bed, just soaking it all in. The warmth. The quiet. The alone time. It was glorious. Our trip to Portland was to attend a viewing of my sister's spot on Shark Tank. She had a classy intimate gathering at a local brewery. It was pretty magical. Love and support hung thickly in the air.  I enjoyed interesting adult conversation and delightful food. When I returned to the hotel that night, I took a luxurious hot bath. It was another moment that I totally immersed myself in. Breathing deeply. Being. In the morning, we went to the Farmer's market. Portland has such amazing food. I enjoyed a Mexican plate of roasted vegetables, white bean mash, greens, grilled tofu, and mole sauce. Holy Moly...YUM!!! It was freezing but the day was beautiful. I embraced my lack of diaper bag or stroller. I strolled freely. It was the hug my soul needed. Life is good!

Surprisingly without incident

Well I just got off a wild ride of a week. The family spent Halloween in Portland. My husband's birthday is on Halloween. We had a blast. It was such a nice little trip. Our hotel room was beautiful with a breathtaking view of the river. My hubby and I had a fantastic date night filled with delicious food and great company.  Crafts, goodies, and treats were had by all. When we returned to our "farm in progress" I left on a flight back to San Diego the next day. In all the chaos of moving we decided to leave one vehicle behind. He drove the moving truck with his Harley inside, so our tried and true mini van had to wait. It actually worked out really well. My best friend wanted to re-home her goats. I want goats. I also really wanted for her to visit. We made plans for us to return to Oregon with her two children and 2 goats together. My husband calls us Lucy and Ethel. Our ideas are hare-brained but we usually have a good time. This was no exception.   Anxiety was high in anticipation of this trip. Her girlies were first time road trippers. We feared many melt-downs. We worried how bad the goats would smell. I expected annoying whining the whole time by the goats and the girls. However, it was surprisingly without incident. Everybody and every goat rocked it. It was the least painful of all the trips I have made to and fro. We made it in record time. I am now a crispy burnt potato chip. Toasted but home. Busy busy but I wanted to touch base before more time gets away from me.

It's all about sustainabilty

Today was a good day!. Despite a few minor set backs, two of our chickens disappeared last night. We had intended to do some major unpacking... instead we secured the chicken coop. It had to be done anyway. Gosh darn it, I really enjoyed it. I was filthy, digging in the dirt, securing chicken wire all along their area. Some creature had dug under the coop. I was really upset to find we had lost two of our baby chickens. We took the responsibility to care for these animals. It is our job to protect them. It had been on our list of to-dos, I just wish we had gotten to it sooner. It was sad listening to the mama chicken call to her babies the whole time I worked. My fingers are raw from twisting wire. My husband built a fantastic gate. Here is the best part, we made do with the materials we had laying around. It felt like our first major step in being sustainable and resourceful. It was awesome. All the kids helped out, we even built a scarecrow to help guard our chickens. What we really need is a guard dog. One is in the works,  but we may have to borrow one in the meantime. Even my dogs getting sprayed by a skunk didn't bring me down. I felt like a real farmer. I kept telling my husband "We're farming!".  I loved it. We finished the day with a tasty dinner, then snuggled up on the couch to watch a movie. As I looked at my beautiful family all cuddled together, I was overwhelmed with gratitude and love. I am beyond blessed!

Too much stuff

My husband arrived last weekend in a 24ft. moving truck. The amount of crap is so overwhelming. I'm sure at some point I felt like I needed all these things.  Now I want it all to go away. I was doing just fine with out it, probably would have only noticed a few missing things as my life progressed. That being said, I know my husband had an overwhelming job getting it all here. It wasn't easy.  It's probably best he just brought it all, protecting himself from forgetting the one thing I  may have needed or perhaps a meaningful keepsake. Now, we are faced with the task of finding a place for it all or getting rid of it. I was feeling somewhat peaceful and organized. The arrival of my husband and way too much stuff has thrown a bit of chaos into the mix. In between caring for the kids, taking them to activities, and homeschool, we are slowly making progress. All in good time I suppose. My best friend is visiting in two weeks. I could not be more excited. I just hope we have made some progress on the current disaster. There are boxes everywhere!!!
It's hard to fit it all in. My oldest is doing archery in 4-H, and archery lessons. The middles are still in swimming. We now have 8 chickens, a pig, and a goat. Two more goats will be arriving in 2 weeks. It has been raining a bit but we need to secure the chicken coop, top and bottom. Then we need to finalize the goat/pig area. They also need a shelter. We are busy but it's a good busy. It's more fulfilling, not as stressful. Next week, we are going to Portland to visit family, celebrate Halloween and my hubbys' bday. We all deserve a little down time. Family fun time. It's good to all be together. It feels right! Now, if we can just get rid of some of this stuff!

Aren't you excited?

My husband is finally making the journey to join us in Oregon. He left San Diego earlier this evening. Everybody that I have told this to has asked "Aren't you excited?" Truth be told, no, that is not how I am feeling. I am nervous. I am worried. Ok, there is apart of me that is happy. My husband takes a lot of energy. He dominates a lot of energy. It has been nice to be the dominate energy in the house. There are definitely some areas I am lacking....like discipline. Don't get me wrong, I am hard on my kids, which is why they aren't assholes. However, I do let some things slide. Most likely out of exhaustion. It is too hard to stay on top of 5 kids ALL the time. Daddy picks up the slack when I'm running outta steam. I sometimes feel there is a division in the family, with daddy. It's us and them. I have enjoyed the lack of separation. Honestly, I have missed it too. It is going to be a major adjustment in the house with both of us home. It may not last long. My biggest fear is I will lose some of myself I have found. I get so lost in all that I take care of. Night time used to be my husband's time. Here, the night has belonged all to me. I don't do "Me" easily. It has been really nice. Much needed! I know myself too well, by tomorrow night, It'll be back to "Us". Don't get me wrong..."Us" isn't so bad...it made all this.

123.....Instant farm.

We had a wonderful day. While we were homeschooling, deer walked  by the window. It was an amazing moment. The kids were so excited. We were able to observe from behind the glass, so we got a nice long look. Then we headed about an hour away to pick up new additions to our family. We now have a pot-bellied pig and a pygmy goat. It was a pretty hilarious ride home. Pretty stinky too! My daughter, #2, came up with the name Grunt for the pig. Isn't that great? I'll keep you posted on what we name the goat. Our chicken coop is all set up. The chickens will be here tomorrow. It feels like things are coming along. My husband will be here this coming weekend. Though we don't really know what we are doing, we are jumping right in. Before you know it, we'll have a real farm. I am super excited! I have wanted a pot-bellied pig since I was 12 years old. My dreams are coming true.

A short fuse!

In the interest of keeping it real, I'm burnt. Ive run out of patience. I need a refueling desperately. It's to the point that even the sound of my children's voice is driving me nuts. I'm quick to snap. Stick a fork in me....I'm done. I made it pretty damn far though...going on 8weeks alone in the forest with 5 kids. My sister came for a quick visit this weekend. It was really nice. The company hit me hard on how very lonely I am. However, I am way more ok with being alone than I thought Id be. She awarded me high praises. Even though she too has read the blog, it was eye-opening to her how much I had taken on and where. Yep, it's the middle of nowhere! My sister is a pretty damn successful business owner. There are times, I'm jealous. Traveling! Freedom! I did have an "Ah Ha" moment, as Oprah would call it. If I would have put the same amount of energy I put into having a family into anything else, I would have been pretty damn successful too. I choose to have my energy go into having and raising 5 children. It is an accomplishment, one that I'm proud of. Yes, its different but by no means less.
 My husband should finally be here next weekend. I told him I'm not gonna cook for a whole month. One of the biggest conveniences I miss is food. I always thought we didn't eat out much...but there is something to be said for a quick pizza after a long day. None of that here. Our San Diego house is in Escrow. Our last offer fell through at the last minute. This one is 40,000 less. Can you spell desperate? When I think about it, I do get upset. I'm trying to let it go. This isn't about money, its about changing our lifestyle. Though we could use the fuckin money. If I could go back we would have done this very differently. We are digging deep in empty pockets. It's painful. Giving up comfort, convenience, and cash are all part of the deal...doesn't mean it's easy.  I do have some farming news...we are getting a small chicken coop tomorrow. Ive gotten the taste for farm fresh eggs and I want more. They are so much better!
 Ive gotten some feedback that comments have been lost here. I just want to say: Thank you so much to all that read this. If you want to leave a comment do so through or on the FB page. I love love love comments, questions or feedback!

Mama said......

It was just one of those days. My morning began early because I had to get everybody situated before I took Gizmo to the Vet. First thing I was greeted by when I walked out of my bedroom door, was a huge pile of dog shit. A perfect symbol for what today had in store. The vet took forever, and set me back a pretty penny. Wrapped in yellow bandages. The dog looks like a deformed banana. His shoulder is broken so he'll be disabled for the next two weeks. He cant walk. I have to carry him to do everything. Hey, no biggie...It's like have a 6th child. I got this. I got home just in time to feed then rush the kids out the door for Homeschool P.E. After that we went to a fabric store. Now, I have said I usually accept the consequences of missing nap but it was too much today. My children's screams could be heard through out the quiet store. Rolls upon rolls of fabric were pulled from the racks. Both my youngest were crying. My oldest was trying to help while #2 and #3 were running up and down the aisles. They were rolling plastic pumpkins and fighting nutcrackers. Playing peek-a-boo between the racks. It was horrible. The worst of the worst. I was trying to comfort the babies, #1 was chasing the others down. I was growling and threatening. Times out's were had in the middle of the floor. One customer actually told me she needed ear plugs to be in the store with us. When I hauled the kids out of the store, I was beyond pissed. As I was lecturing, this nice old man in the car next to us told me "your doing a good job, Mom". Yeah, right...he had obviously missed the episode of Bebe's kids my children had just reenacted in the store. Then, #2 had the nerve to ask me for a treat. I wanted to pull the car over right there to strangle(in the most loving way) her. We made it to #3's swim lesson. On the way home my eyes were burning, out of total exhaustion. I still had to make dinner when we got home. Oh...plus I got to carry the dog around to help him pee. Yippy! Mama said they'll be days like this.  Guess, I'll be glad they don't happen too often.

Shut up!!!!

As I am trying to write this my kids are screaming at the top of their lungs outside. I suppose if it's serious someone will come get me. My husband put in his notice at work today. In two weeks we will be together. I wont lie and say I haven't enjoyed it here without him. In the last  10+ years I have pretty much lived for everyone around me. My children always take first priority. After, they go to bed, my husband gets my attention. It has been very interesting seeing what I do when left up to my own devices. It has been great to spend some time with me. I like me. We haven't hung out in a LONG time. I forgot how much I like to read. It has been a lot of work. I am ready for my husband to come home. We have become involved in a lot of activities. The kids are in swim lessons, Homeschool P.E., and my son,#3, is playing soccer. Archery starts in a few weeks. The best benefit to homeschooling is the allowance of more free time. The kids and I are having a blast together. We cuddle, read stories, and play fight. They help me cook. When I start to get discouraged by all the new weirdness, I focus on how awesome it has been for my children. They are very happy. Yesterday, I drove everywhere and in between to pick up random finds off craigslist. It was exhausting but productive. We finally have a couch. In doing a majority of all this lifting, I can already tell a difference in my muscles.
 One of my dogs broke his leg today. I had just finished giving both dogs a bath. I tied Gizmo up to dry in the sun. He has been wandering off which is not safe here at all.. Basically he dragged the chair he was tied to and jumped through the porch railing. He ended up hurting himself pretty good. We have an appt. for him in the morning. It had been a rare quiet moment, I had just sat down on my new couch, with a Buddhism book about practicing mindfulness, when I heard the yelping. It is never a dull moment.

Feeling a little discouraged

There is a weekly playgroup at a local woman's house on Fridays. We made our first appearance today. I am feeling discouraged. Luckily the kids had a great time. I'm sure they were just happy to be playing with other children. I am so new to this area. It is so unknown. The little parts Ive discovered make my ugly judgmental head rear up. People is San Diego are so put together. Image is not so important out here in the country. That's what I want. I want my kids raised believing image isn't everything...or anything. However, I find myself so programed by my upbringing that I get caught up on image. I'm not sure I will fit in here. This is a very rural area. There is a post office and a grocery store but not much else. The income level is pretty low. There isn't even a police department. Of course that makes this a fantastic place to grow marijuana. It grows so thick here, I can smell it in the air. The mix of people is eclectic. There is large religious population. I'm just feeling so out of place. The moms and their children are so soft spoken. I roll in with my colored hair, tattoos, drinking organic coconut water, screaming....I'm from California. I feel like a stereotype. I don't eat meat. I love organic food. All the children here are so quiet...mine are not. They introduce themselves, join in on conversations, interrupt, and yell. Are country kids shy? Are they taught to be quiet? Are we intimidating? It is just so different, I'm not sure I have the words to explain it. I will say that everybody is very nice. They really are. I'm the outsider. I'm the one who has moved from a place where image is everything. I want to let go of my criticism. Be me and be free!

Finally....Some Farm Action!

Remember back when I went to that garage sale...met a nice mom that invited us to play with her pigs? Well, we finally made it over there today. Very interesting! They breed pigs for slaughter. She has 4 kids, 8 dogs, 4 horses, and plenty of pigs. One of them is actually due to deliver this weekend. I asked her to call me so I could watch. I'll keep my fingers crossed. They have 44 acres. Amazing. My children were very well behaved. I was proud. I would say the "city" in them shined bright. At one point they were throwing clumps of mud when the little girl said "I wouldn't touch that....It's cow poop." HAHA! I will confess, my kids were a bit wimpy in comparison to hers. My son, #3, got a splinter there, you'd have thought his finger got ripped off. Geez! I need to start working on my kids having country confidence and manners. We all got along pretty well. It was pleasant. I have to say I was a bit intimidated. I long to be a horse-riding, boot wearing, country farm girl. However, at this point I am far from it. I felt naïve and out of my element. I fought hard to not judge. There definitely is a difference between real country folk and city folk. I would really like to be friends with them. They could teach me a lot. It was awesome to spend some time on a real farm. Someday, I'll have one too!

A day in the life

I thought it might be good to paint the picture of a typical day so far. I usually wake up between 7-8am. If I'm lucky, I will have gotten 4 hours of consecutive sleep. The baby still wakes up once a night at least. There are nights when others join him. Last night was one of those. My son, #3, peed his bed in the middle of the night. When, I wake up I immediately serve cearl to #3 who is ALWAYS the first to get up. It's the first thing he says every morning "can I have cearl?" I make coffee. Somewhere in there, I feed the cats and dogs. Then its probably time to get up #5. I change his diaper and feed him breakfast. By then all 5 are up so I change #4s diaper. Everybody gets breakfast. Sometimes, its farm fresh eggs, today it's watermelon and cearl. My babies drink soy milk so they can get constipated easily, so I like to serve a lot of fruit. Right about now, I get to sit down on the computer for a few. Drink my coffee, FB, blog and check my email. It's my "me" time. Everybody gets ready, dressed, brushed, and cleaned. I try to start homeschool between 9-10am. It usually depends on the night we had before or how much work we have to do. From about 10-noon, I juggle schooling my girls and entertaining my boys. My mom comes over to help a lot. Then it's lunch time. I make lunch, serve lunch, clean up after lunch. If all goes well with the babies, #4 & 5, go down for a nap. It's back to homeschooling. Now, on Tuesday and Thursday, we bump nap up so we can go to homeschool P.E. at the YMCA from 1:30-3. We haven't mastered homeschool so it varies when we finish. I try to fit in an activity that we can all do together like play dough, painting, or if I'm really tired, a movie. Then it's time to make dinner, serve dinner, clean up the kitchen. I usually do dishes in the morning and evening. Hopefully at some point I threw a load of laundry in. If the girl are working on something independently, Ill fold clothes while they are on the computers for school. My oldest has a lot more independent work than #2. Dinner time is at about 5. Sticking to a schedule makes life abit easier. My kids thrive on the routine. Heaven forbid I try to stray, that's when we have meltdowns and freakouts. It's never a good idea to miss nap or a meal. It does happen, I usually accept my fate if I veer off schedule. After dinner, I clean, put away clothes, give baths, feed pets, and read stories. It's been nice, there is no furniture in the living room so we wrestle on the floor, play superman(I lift them with my feet), and read books. I'm pretty darn tired by 8pm. The kids realize we begin a countdown til mean mommy shows up. Everybody brushes their teeth. I tuck them in. In their own rooms...every single one of them. It is so neat they all have their own rooms. In SD, the three oldest shared one room. Bed time takes longer but its ok. My patience lasts about to that point. Its when they get up, get water, go to the bathroom, or do things they should have done already that then I start making threats. The baby has started going down around the same time so Ive been getting  a couple hours at night. I blog, FB, or search Craigslist for furniture. My husband and I chat on the phone. Ive even been reading.  I switch between a book for entertainment and a Buddhism book every other night. Sometimes, I stay up too late reading because I relish the alone time. Like last night, I was up til 1am. shame on me. So that's that....a typical day!

A Golden Shower

Are you kidding me? When I woke up this morning my back was killing me and soaked. Now, I thought I had sweated profusely in pain. Which in itself is gross, never happened, and a weird explanation I told myself. Anyway, just now I went to put on the sweatshirt I slept in last night and it totally smelled like pee. First thought, did I pee the bed? Second thought, wait a minute...#3 crawled in bed with me last night. Did he pee in my bed? I smelled my sheets, a faint smell lingered. That little turd didn't pee on my bed...he peed on me. Needless to say, sheets are in the wash. My bedtime will be delayed about an hour. The glamorous life of parenting! Who doesn't love a golden shower?Today, was ok. My older girls were at a goat show over the weekend with my parents. It was good to have them home this morning. We didn't get a lot of school work done but enough. My daughter, #2, had a  live lesson with her teacher. Apparently she is at the top of her class. They were concerned because she scored so low on the written test. Todays test was oral, #2 blew them away. Goes to show all kids learn and understand differently. I took the kids to swim lessons. I still feel like an outsider. Like I need to introduce myself with a disclaimer stating that I'm from San Diego. It's almost like I'm on a really long vacation. It's just not home yet. I understand that this will take time. Now, that I think about it....today was pretty damn good, #1 made her first friend. They met in swim, even hugged goodbye. My heart swelled with happiness, this is a big step for her. She wants a friend here so badly. I think we all do.

Where did my sexy go?...Bring it Back!!!

We all know the saying that youth is wasted on the young. Aint that the truth. I was driving home from the kids swim lessons(we have become pretty involved at the YMCA) listening to Techo, reminiscing. There are times when all these kids make me feel so old. I'm not....right? At least I didn't think I was when I turned 30, but now I'm 36 and OLD. Dance music always makes me want to be in a club dancing my butt off. Which of course is not the same. It's more sad than sexy now. At times, I miss my pre-motherhood days. The days when I was only responsible for myself. I partied hard. Too hard. I was carefree, spot free, wrinkle free. Of course at the time, I didn't appreciate my young skin or metabolism. These days I'm much softer....everywhere...might even be saggy in a few places. Life goes by so fast. I took so much for granted. I wish I could dip back into the fountain of youth just to borrow some skin elasticity...some energy...some perkiness(in more way than one). What happened? Where did my sexy go? I turned into a frumpy mom. I exchanged night clubs for nighttime feedings and diaper changes. Adorable outfits with midriffs showing to cotton fabrics with elastic waste bands.
Don't get me wrong...motherhood is everything to me. I just wish I could bring some of my sexy back!

Love is Boring!

In my unpacking today, I came across some old correspondence with past "loves". In rereading some of it, it occurred to me how unlike my marriage is to my past relationships. To put it simply, It's boring! I think real love is patient. Love is not jealous. It's unchanging. It's predictable. It is not hysterics. It is not screaming and name calling. Love is not dysfunctional. There is no physical or verbal abuse in love. Love is not a game. Manipulation and guilt are not love. Control is not love. Fear and uncertainty are not love. Betrayal is not love. Love is peaceful. It's compassion. It's shared, exchanged, given, and taken. There is no one side. There are no lies. Love is acceptance and understanding. It's listening. Love is pretty fair. It is not filled with anxiety. It's not a rollercoaster. Love is constant. Love is not a mess. It's really not that complicated. It is not insecurity or sleepless nights. There is no punching in love. No kicking! No choking! Hugs...there is hugs. Holding and kissing. Love is connection. It's warm. Love is calm. Love is comfort. Love is everyday and every night. Real love is so much less dramatic. Love is safe. Love is home. Love is steady. It doesn't hurt. Truth be told true love is kinda boring!

Frickinfrackinfarfegnugen

Arg!!!! Well, today did not go quite as planned. I got lost on the way to the homeschool orientation, basically I missed it. They explained the waiting list was super long anyway, so back to the drawing board. We got an offer on the house. I should say we got an insult. My husband is so desperate to move he's ready to bend over and ask for lube.  His negativity can be so draining, I question even wanting him here. Of course I want him here. We are a family. We belong together. Right? His closeminded grumpiness can be very grounding for my unrealistic optimistic flightiness, but right now I just want to kick him in his babymaker. Ok, deep breath. It's just a house. It's just money. In the big picture we just want to be together...here! I am trying to convince him to make that happen. We will figure out the rest as it comes. He is practical, hardworking, and responsible so throwing caution to the wind is not in his nature. I want him to set a date...put in his notice and make the move. This fractioned reality is not our dream come true. To make it come true we have to take these risks. Problem is, he's probably right. It is too much to have two mortgages to pay, cobra health insurance, and support 5 kids with no job. Damn him for being such a good man. I'd probably be traveling in an RV by now, selling trinkets by the freeway. Solely, feeding my kids on love and good vibes. He is the Yin to my Yang. Maybe, he is the Yang? I cant help wanting to spew profanity, I just want the separation to be over.

A few exciting things today

Way too much chaos to get too into it, but a few exciting things are happening today.

1. Going to an Orientation for a different homeschool program. I'm not totally thrilled with the current curriculum so I want to see what else is available.

2. It's raining. We are getting a taste of some real Oregon weather.

3. The pig lady called me, remember, I met her at her garage sale. She invited us to come see her piglets sometime. We exchanged numbers. I had called her a few weeks back. She returned my call today. We've been invited to her house this weekend and a playgroup next Wednesday! A possible friend! Whoohooo!


4 .My husband shipped my cloth diapers, they will help reduce our trash output. It's a start. I couldn't believe I hadn't brought them. Plus I'm expecting a few more from a local mom who hand makes them.

5.We found an expectant live stock guardian dog. Hopefully we will have a new family member in 7-8 weeks. Actually, have a few new family members on the horizon. All of which have four legs...just to be clear!

The one thing I do everyday.

I'm beginning to wonder when this blog is going to be about homesteading. I guess its understandable that at this point, not much is happening in that department.  This property has so much potential. I can't wait to begin a garden and get farm animals. These days we get up, the main focus is homeschool. Homeschool is taking up a considerable amount of my energy. On top of my new found teacher role. I am playmate, chef, housekeeper, unpacker, mover, and to be frank-slave. I spend a majority of my time fulfilling the wishes of my five little masters. They often flit about like royalty throwing their trash on the floor, demanding drink and sustenance. It is wearing on me. Another future focus is sustainability. I am blown away by the amount of trash this family produces. It's one thing in suburbia when they wisk it away each week-outta sight outta mind. Here, it's my responsibility, its a lot and it's offensive. Granted we are a large family, but millions of families produce trash like this each week. Where is it going? They must be running out of room. No wonder there is a trash island the size of Texas floating in the ocean. Anyway, this blog is supposed to be about me being in the moment. While homesteading and sustainability are my goals. We are far from them. In fact, so far not one thing besides the actual move has happened to get us in that direction.  One thing I do is take a moment to manifest. This will be a beautiful homestead. We will be much more sustainable. Today, we are here. We are moving in the right direction. It's hard to accomplish much past keeping 5 kids alive on a daily basis. As they grow, we will work together to make this dream come true. Another thing I do everyday is make sure I have a moment with every single one of them. The phrase "be in the moment" is thrown around often. Its much easier said then done. Giving 5 kids all the attention they need is impossible. But I can spare a moment. Some are quick others longer. We need that connection. I make sure that whether its a solid real hug, eye contact to tell them I'm proud, a walk just the two of us, an intentional pause where I really listen, or sitting down to play. I give all 5 of my children a moment every single day!

A road trip down memory lane

Parenting is not an easy thing. The guilt. The pressure. There was a time when my parents were raised or even when I was raised the standard was lower.  Parents worried less about their children's "feelings". Their job was to feed, shelter, and get them outta the house at 18. Children were to be seen not heard. I listened to my mom tell my kids about a road trip we went on when I was around 7years old. We crossed the United Sates in 7days in a two door hatchback. My parents chain smoked the entire time. It was during the cold month of December. We were lucky if the windows were cracked an inch. To top off that wonderful aroma, our dog had an explosive case of diarrhea and vomiting for about 3 days of the trip. Remember, I said hatchback. I asked my mom if my sister and I complained. She shook her head no. My daughter said "geez, I would have said are we there yet a hundred times". I do remember occasionally asking if they would open the window because the smell was so bad. This amazes me because I have so little memory of my childhood. I look at that story now from a different perspective. I think how awful that must have been for my mom. Being that Im a mom now, it occurs to me how rough it would be. However, I also find it intriguing how little our(my sister's and I) feelings were taken into consideration. I can't imagine putting my kids through that. It seems now a days children are given more of a voice. Raising them goes beyond getting them out the door at 18. More parents are making a concerted effort not to screw them up. In fact, parenting today takes it a step further. Not only are we trying not to screw them up but we are trying to make them better..way way BETTER! They have full schedules, we entertain them, take them places just for them, throw over the top birthday parties, spoil them, enrich them, have them in sports, dance, and sign language. When did it change? I didn't complain in the car on that horrible road trip because it wouldn't have been heard. When did we start listening to our kids? Do we listen to them too much? There is something to be said about being able to go on a road trip, all hell breaking loose and your kids don't whine, grumble, or complain. There has to be a balance between listening to them and them knowing when to shut the fuck up.

Are you a believer?

This week I signed the girls up for a homeschool PE class twice a week at the YMCA.  It seems my oldest might be getting a little depressed due to the lack of social interaction. They had a great time. I stayed to watch the first class, I knew they were nervous...so was I. It took them a bit, but they got into it. A major difference I have noticed here is people look each other in the eye and smile. It seems to be an invitation to strike up a convo or at least a greeting. During the first class another mother approached me, smiled, sat down, and we began chatting. Very nice! Towards the end of the class she asked if she could pray for me. I said "sure" and took her hand. "I can use all the prayers I can get". She then said she loves that I am humble. God loves it too. She said a nice prayer, class ended and we parted ways. Today, she asked me if I was a believer. My response was somewhat vague. Towards the end of todays convo, she said she cares about me and my family. So, my big question is...can we be friends? Now, nothing I say is meant to offend anyone. Please just see it as my perspective. I would say I am a believer. I am a believer in magic and beauty. I believe in fate. I believe we have a purpose. I believe it is not my place to judge anyone. I believe I don't know the answers. I believe in love. Love is my religion. I practice Buddhism. I believe in karma. I believe we are all one. I'm pretty sure she was asking me if I believed in Jesus. Of course I do, he existed. Now, here is where things can get a little tricky. This woman is a Jesus freak. She is not your standard run of the mill Christian. Again, I don't mean to offend. She mentioned she homeschools her children because they don't teach the right history in public school. So, now we are going down the road of Jesus and dinosaurs. That may be a bit too much for me. Is it possible to be close friends with someone who's beliefs vastly differ from my own? I don't eat meat, I have lots of friends that do. I'm pretty liberal but I have republican friends. I'm a free-thinking, tattooed, hippie type...could I be friends with a born-again, conservative holy roller? We have motherhood in common. We both have 5 children. She is the first to have reached out to me. I wonder though, is it because I look like I need saving?? She is very nice but has that blank "come into the light" look in her eyes. I guess I'll just go with it. I like prayers. Prayers are powerful. It is important that we discuss our feelings, wants, needs with the powers that be. There is nothing more beautiful than someone wishing good things for you. It is a blessing when another takes time to share positive energy with someone. Love is love. It really doesn't have to be that complicated. Now, if she starts trying to "save" me, we may have a problem.

Bitter sweet!

I am making an effort in this blog to be honest and forthcoming. Honest is easy for me but the whole forthcoming thing is not at all. I'm not much of a liar. Almost always tell the truth, but maybe not the whole truth. When it comes to my personal life, I have learned to be very private. I'm trying to overcome that. Who cares what people think? I want to be me...be ok with it...be open...and own my shit. No Secrets! Well, not quite that forthcoming, I'll start with open. My husband left today from his 5 day visit. I have mixed feelings. I had mixed feelings though the whole visit. There were parts of me that loved having him here. I loved hanging out with him after the kids went to bed. I love that he is strong. I loved having help with the kids. I loved watching him give a stab at homeschool.
I loved making plans for the property together. He takes care of me. On the other hand his constant dishing out of reality was driving me crazy. "Where are we gonna get the money for that?" There was lots of eye rolling. I'm a glass half full kinda person and he definitely sees it as half empty. My husband has a large persona. It feels like he takes over a bit. Even worse, I let him. It's not something I really noticed before. I've been running the show...doing everything myself...my way. It was a challenge to not resent him. I'm pretty sure all these feelings are normal. Marriage is a funny thing....not always sugar and roses. The emotions can range all the way from adoration to disgust in a single day. In the end, when we returned home from the airport, it just didn't feel right here without him. As gruff as he is. He's ours. We need him here! Until then, I'll be honest, I'll enjoy sleeping sprawled out in the middle of the bed.

Can't start slippin now

I have been strong, brave, and going non-stop since I got here. The hubby came for a visit late Thursday night. It almost seemed like my subconscious gave the ok to fall apart. Back up had arrived. I was the only doer of anything getting done so I could not not do anything. The green light was given, so my body started to give out on me. I woke up Saturday morning in a lot of pain. After I moaned around a bit, hubby decided we were going to the ER. I tried to convince him I was fine. I could take a pain killer, we didn't have to change our beautifully planned day. I lost. Ended up I had a hemorrhagic Ovarian Cyst. We spent most of the morning figuring that out. They gave me pain meds. We did make it to the YMCA in the late afternoon. I was so worried I had let the kids down. I know they had been really looking forward to the fun we had planned. Yesterday, was #5s 1st birthday. We took it easy, watched football, BBQ'd, ate lots of goodies, and had a great day. This morning my hubby got a taste of what homeschool is like. Then I took advantage of the extra muscle and we did some more unpacking. I'm supposed to be resting but I've never been overly good at that. I can't start slippin now.

Love is kind-Be Love!

Nothing is promised in this life. Some people tend to have a why me attitude.  Truth is, why not? We take tomorrow for granted. This moment will never happen again. We don't get this time back. Our life is a gift. I think it's time everyone embraces what they truly want. There is no point living in fear. Its a waste of time to deny ourselves happiness. Life is filled with an enormous amount of pressure. Pressure to earn, pressure to succeed. pressure to buy. All this pressure is just a distraction from what we really want. What do we really need? It's hard to figure it out when we are so go, go, go all the time. My life has slowed down considerably. I have a lot more time to think, sometimes too much. All we need is love. Cheesy...right? We need to stop separating ourselves from each other. We need to focus on what makes us the same, not different. Everybody struggles. Everybody hurts. Let the judgment go, open your heart with compassion. There is a lot of pain in this world. I've been told we cannot experience true joy without the internal comparison of pain. I suppose that is true. In reality, things could always be better or they could be much worse. Accept now as it is. Accept each other. Accept me as I am. I accept you. Embrace today, tomorrow is not promised! Embrace me! I will embrace you! Live in the moment. Exchange patience. Love each other. Love me. I love you!

A little Pep talk

I have been pretty exhausted the last few days. Yesterday, I took all the kids to the Farmer's Market in town. It is a beautiful thing. We had spinach tamales. Then bought strawberries and chocolate bread. After, we went to the Dollar tree, Big Lots, and Fred Myer. It was a long day. When we got home we cranked dance music, unloaded the car and partied in the carport. By the time dinner rolled around, I was pretty zombiefied. After I put the kids the bed, I had a little pep talk with myself. Yes, this is hard! But, I am doing a really good job. I need to be proud of myself. There are people in my life now who wouldn't believe the type of person I was. It was not pretty. I was not good or kind. I did bad things. I was broken. Today, I'm a pretty damn strong woman. I own my shit. I keep my word. I always try to do the right thing. I am a superhero of a mother. I face fears. I don't fold. I try...really hard and sometimes I need to cut myself a break. A friend recently suggested I do the bare minimum for a day. Now, the bare minimum with 5 kids is still a lot. However, today we took it easy. I even took a nap. I'm feeling a little better. Ready to face another week of homeschool. Plus, my hubby is coming on Thursday. I'm excited. Happy Sunday everybody!

What a rollercoaster of a day!

Not sure exactly where to start. Homeschool this morning was rather uneventful. I find #1s lessons to be a bit boring and dare I say, dumb. She is pretty darn smart so the information is way too easy for her. After a long discussion with my parents last night, I decided to visit the private school in town today. I have been there a few times in the past, as this move has been 4 years in the making. I do love it. It's adorable. The classes are super small. I had a great convo with the admin lady, met the incredibly sexy 6th grade teacher (Um...Hello Sir), and saw another 6th grade girl pushing a micro pig around in a stroller. :) I left there feeling confused. It's a pretty neat school. Is it worth the money? Would it help us acclimate to the community? Oh, I forgot to mention before we even left the house today, the Love machine caught on fire. Yeah, so that was exciting. I'm not exactly sure what happened but I caught a glimpse of my dad running past the window. When I went outside I could smell the smoke. I corralled all the kids in the house, then ran as fast as I could to get a hose. The fire went out without any major incidents. The full extent of the damage to the van is unknown yet. I am just happy it didn't explode. Hooray for not starting a major forest fire today. Score one for us! Oh and of course, Hooray, no one was hurt. I had actually started today finding my dog eating an animal leg on the porch. Every morning he has been bringing home new treasures. ( I think I mentioned the possum?) This body part was relatively fresh. The neighbor across the street has a 100acre sheep/goat farm. The leg seemed goatish perhaps? It was actually kind of cute because we turned it into a homeschool lesson. Again, using the "scientific method" we decided to "investigate". We took a little walk over to her house. Apparently she had put one of her goats down, cut off its legs and fed them to her guardian dogs. I find it weird...why would you feed parts of the animal to the dogs trained to protect to them.  But ok...mystery solved. Anyway, the morning was hectic to say the least. After the Open house, we went to a children's resale shop about 40 minutes away. Then we went to Costco. It wasn't a complete nightmare but it wasn't pretty. By this time it was after 5pm.  We were all tired, hungry, and grumpy so it was less than pleasant. We got out of Costco after 7pm. The icing on the cake for today is my husbands phone call right about then.  Bad news, the buyer backed out on the house in SD. We were so close. We were almost all back together again. Back to square one! What a let down! What a rollercoaster of emotions. For as tired as I am, I cant believe how much I wrote....guess I had to get it out.

When at first you don't succeed, try try again...

Deep breath....huge exhale. Today was SO much better. Thank all the Gods. I was ready to pack it all up, head right back to SD. I tend to set very high expectations. Of course they are never met and I find myself disappointed more often than not. Yesterday was chaos. I felt like such a failure. The language program both of the girts were in was pretty phenomenal. Had I taken them out to receive a half assed education from their overwhelmed mother? Good News, the answer is no. We are doing homeschool so we can spend more time together. Another reason is because at this stage in their lives, I want to be the biggest influence. Today, I felt capable. I enjoyed teaching them. When #2 struggled, I addressed the issues, I explained. She could get lost in a crowded classroom, but with our one on one interaction I was sure she grasped the material. We finished in enough time, that we spent the rest of the day at the lake. We practiced some of the "scientific method" we had learned in class.  Thank you for the encouraging words. Thank you for believing in me when I had my doubts. This is all so new.

May have to come up with a plan B

In the interest of being totally honest, I don't really want to write this blog today. I wish I could say that homeschool was fabulous but it wasn't. I think people follow this blog and are generally curious as to how it went. So here it goes... The school is online based. I am less than tech savy. I found myself getting a bit confused. The actual material is super easy. It's so easy, it's boring. What I was hoping would only take the morning pretty much took the whole day. I'm not sure I can balance homeschool and 3 other little boys that need my attention. As I suspected #2 is going to be a challenge. "I'm Bored". "I don't like this""When is it going to be over" "I'm hungry". I don't know if something is in the air up here but these kids are eating like crazy. On top of school I fixed a great breakfast to start their first day. In the morning we started out pretty well. We stretched, talked about the rules, set up a reward system...it was fun. A few hours into the lessons, I was exhausted. They were exhausted. It was pretty much downhill from there. The local schools cover a huge part of the county because its so rural. After going to the parade yesterday, I am really not interested in them attending public school here. My other option is to switch the homeschool curriculum. I have also found a private school, which of course costs money. Money we don't have. Money we may have to find somewhere. That's all for today folks. Good news is I get to it all again tomorrow.

Homeschool here we come!

Today has been a long day. I am overly tired. I wish I was sleeping right now but #5 isn't quite tired yet. I'm as ready as I'll ever be for tomorrow. I feel an immense amount of pressure. No matter how I am feeling, no matter how tired, the kids are counting on me to pull it together. I have to put on my big girl pants and attack homeschool with enthusiasm. My kids are always counting on me, its what gets me out of bed everyday. Homeschooling is a big responsibility. I sure hope I'm up to the task. I hope I get a good nights sleep. I have #2s science project all laid out. We will be making lily pads and observing pretend frogs.  The internet situation here is less than desirable. I can't get the signal to reach the classroom I have all set up. We will use laptops tomorrow until I can find a solution. Well, #5 just bite my toes super hard so I guess he's ready for bed. Here goes nothing, Homeschool here we come.

Lonley and tired

Well I think I've reached my max. We have been gone for 2 weeks. I was really on a roll with everything. Actually Ive been pretty amazed at how I've handled all 5 kids and the move. It hit me last night around bed time. I am so tired. I really miss my husband. Last night when #5 woke up in the middle of the night I mumbled "Babe...can you get him? I cant take it anymore" Of course he isn't here so I dragged my exhausted behind outta bed for the millionth time. I need my back up. I'm running on fumes. Today we got up quickly and headed to the labor day parade in town. I was out of coffee, hence I was grumpy. The parade was cheesy. The kids had an ok time so that was good. The town is small, grungy, funky, and eclectic. There was a period right out of high school where I took part in many a hippie music festival and raved hard. I was definitely reminded of those days. Good times, well they were then. I'm not so sure how I feel about them now. It's gonna take me awhile to get down with the dirty tye-dye, pot smoking, no bra wearing types again. I have always found bras to be super uncomfortable. I think Ill start there.

Alot to get used to

In San Diego our home was @960sq ft. This new house is 3300sq ft. I think it will take us a whole year to get organized in the house. Yesterday, there was a baby snake in the yard and I found a dead frog under the couch. This morning the dogs brought a dead possum carcass to the doorstep. The kids are so dirty...which I wanted, but it will take some getting used to. There are lots more "hippie" types. People with backpacks travelling and hitchhikers. It is definitely less superficial. People are less "put together". Of course, there are lots of bugs....more than I anticipated. We opted out of cable. I cant really use my cell phone anywhere on my property. The kids are way more spread out. There are way more opportunities for me to miss things...like apple cores on the floor. The children in town seem so well mannered...offering to help...calling me maam. There is no sales tax. It is super weird. When something says $44.95...it's $44.95. My idea of crowded doesn't seem to exist here. It will take awhile to adjust my thinking. We went to WalMart yesterday, I was concerned it would be "crowded"...um.. no. People still stare at me when I walk around with all my kids. I get a lot more compliments on my tattoo and hair. My access to organic food and vegan products is limited. At least in the stores. It's really quiet, in a natural peaceful way. My kids are getting along so well its mind-blowing.  I have a dishwasher, I have yet to use it but this is epic. Craigslist here is bare in comparison to SD. I had to buy a few of the kids new shoes at WalMart because there aren't really any resale shops for kids. I will miss those. There is a lot I will miss. There is a lot to get used to. Hopefully we will gain more than we lost.

Brave or crazy?

There is something to be said for the way most people live their lives. There are expectations. We start learning about them pretty early. Education. Job. Money. Taxes. Health Insurance. There are plenty of houses lined up the side walk. There are plenty of jobs with 401ks and health benefits. Is this what we all want? Retirement plans? A Mortgage? Is this what we want or is it what we are supposed to want? I have heard from many people now that I am brave. I am scared.  I am in the middle of nowhere. I've had no phone or internet for over a week. I am alone with 5 kids. They have been stung by bees, hit in the head by swings, and got phenomena. Last night, the internet installation guy came at 8:30pm. In the Dark. To my house in the forest, together alone. Brave...I may be but I am also a tad bit crazy. He happened to be the nicest installation guy ever. Today, when I left to get the cats from the vet, a truck drove by packed like a clown car. I had left the garage open, with an overwhelming need to close it I turned around. As I was pulling out of the drive-way the second time, they passed again. I backed up and sat in the driveway watching. Wouldn't you know it a few minutes passed by and they had circled back again. I then pulled across the street to see if maybe I could get my cell to work. They came back again from the other direction and pulled right into my driveway. It was quite a group of characters. I never took my eyes off them. Santa appeared to be driving, a skinny tweaked out looking younger lady was in the middle, and a huge toothless woman was in the passenger seat. The extra cab was taken up by a bulky man sitting sideways because he wouldn't fit sitting upright. They circled around my driveway, pulled out and then pulled up right next to me. The toothless woman asked me if I knew where "Ben" lived. What the heck? I stayed for a bit after they left. Then decided my bulldog would guard the house appropriately. I was late to pick up the cats. Is that brave? Is that crazy? Aren't we all a bit brave? I know we're all crazy. Isn't it brave when we watch our child go to their first day of school, trying not to cry in front of them. Isn't it brave when we pretend not to be scared of bees so they won't be....or heights...or shots? Isn't it brave when we get out of the marriage that is making us miserable? Isn't it brave when we stay, to fight for it another day? What about when we start a new job or buy our first house.  I think this whole life thing can be scary as sh*t. It's how we live in spite of that fear that defines us.

In over my head?

I just finished the online homeschool orientation. Good gravy...this is going to be a lot. I am excited and super nervous. Things come easy to my first born. She is a perfectionist, an over achiever, and a good girl. She will pretty much homeschool herself. Now, #2 is a whole different story. We often joke that she comes from another planet. Her entry into this world was definitely out of the ordinary. She was born 10weeks prematurely. The fight in her is big. She is stubborn, independent, and so weird. Seriously, she is weird. In kindergarten she decided she didn't want to participate so she would just get up, leave the group and do whatever she wanted. She has absolutely no filter. One day after picking her up from school, we had a long conversation about how she likes daddy way more than me. Yes, Yes, I have had her tested. Seems to be, she is an anarchist. Already she has no desire to conform. She likes graveyards and contemplates death. Her questions are far beyond her years. As a person, I admire her. As a parent I cringe. She is trouble, wonderful, beautiful, terrifying trouble. On one hand I fear how public school could crush her individualism. Could she be made to be a sheep? On the other hand, nurturing this child's wild different outlook may just be beyond my capabilities. Half the time I want to high five her, the other put my foot in her...well you know. I definitely have my work cut out for me. Could it be I am in over my head?

Feeling the farm vibe and loving it!

I worry when my husband gets her that it will be harder for him to let go of his suburban stressed self.  It occurred to me last night that I have made all my dreams come true. When I was little I used to say I wanted 5 children, an English Bulldog, and to be a farmer. It made me wonder what I would have accomplished had I set my aspirations elsewhere. Even through all the chaos of my troubled and wasted youth, I ended up on the other side with all I've ever wanted. I guess its time to make a new list. In reality all these accomplishments were almost accidental. Maybe we manifest things in our life with out really realizing it. For example, if we reside ourselves that we are probably going to catch the cold going around the house...well...that's pretty much what will happen. Sometimes, I decide out right that I am not getting sick and it works. I find it interesting that even though I may have lost sight of the things I wanted as a child somehow they have found their way to me. I am really feeling this  farming thing. Today, the kids and I picked an apple from our garden and shared it. My son, #3, was chanting " I picked food" over and over again. We washed it, cut it up and shared it. It was pretty darn special. Everyone was in the moment. It was happy. Later today, we found another frog on our porch. We caught it, so we could take some pictures of it. The kids were so fascinated. They also seemed a bit in awe of my bravery. I picked up 3 frogs in the last 2 days with my bare hands. Ewe! We explored the property. We pretended. I was the queen of the land of gigantic trees. I really hope my husband can get into it here because I am loving it!

Is that sofa really worth another whole week of work?

I fell in love with this sofa at Costco. Before I moved I had decided we would buy it. Now, that I'm here I need to take the term sustainability more seriously. Do I need this couch? No! It would cost almost a whole week of work for my husband. Our income is about to totally change. In San Diego, we were pretty comfortable. Always had money for the things we wanted or needed. However, we are also very thrifty. I don't have a smart phone. We own all our cars outright. The kids wear clothes from resale and thrift stores. I do this by choice. It goes along with my belief of anti-consumerism. In trying to honor my values, I still get caught up in pretty things. My point is, do we really need all these things we work so hard to afford? Part of my hope in our new life is to learn to live more simply. My parents gave me a fine functional couch. Is it pretty? Not really. Who cares? I did splurge on a cute bathroom set for the kids bathroom. I could have bought the plain generic...but the hippos and monkeys were so much cuter. As people, I think we get a little to caught up in the next best thing.
All this glitz and glitter is just used to distract us from the real issues in the world. Teenagers being shot by cops. Genocide. Being poisoned by our food. Health system built to keep us sick. Immigrant children? Does anybody know what happened to them? All I'm saying is there is way more important things to care about than a cute couch. There are a million better things to spend my money on. Step one to sustainability...use what we have!

We left a week ago today....

I can't believe it has only been a week since we left San Diego. It feels like a few at least. Things are going really well. I am starting to really miss my husband. The good news is that we got an awesome offer on the house in SD yesterday. I hope with all my heart that everything goes smoothly. He needs to be here. He will love it too. This morning I discovered that my cell phone will work on the porch. This is very exciting because I have been unable to chat on the phone after I put the kids to bed. It would have required I walk out to the end of the driveway...in the dark...by myself. Wild animals...Bears are a reality here. So tonight, I will be able to make a phone call a few feet from my front door. Yesterday, #2 swung the porch swing into #5s face. It caught him right above the eye. First black eye and he's not even one. We were lucky he didn't need stiches. I am quickly coming to terms with how often the kids are going to get hurt here. When you have this many children you tend to asses things from a point of survival. It may be an accident waiting to happen but if it's an accident they can survive...I usually let them roll with it. I set up a majority of the classroom. Homeschooling is beginning to scare me. Im beginning to think I want a big yellow bus to take them away for 8 hours a day. It is an incredible about of material. I am second guessing my ability but I am going to try. That yellow bus will be there if I change my mind. My parents are being super helpful. My mother is only slightly nagging which is huge for her. I have found myself asking her to stop, trying to set boundaries, which is huge for me. I think we are off to a good start. They had a bountiful harvest of yellow squash. I felt obligated to make something with them. Last night for dinner we had squash enchiladas. Believe it or not, they were delicious. In the last week I have worked harder than I have in my whole life. I know it wont get any easier. I accept the challenge. Truth is, I am extremely proud of myself. I have never been prouder. Almost makes it sound like hard work and pride go hand in hand. Huh? Who knew?

Forget Prozac I just need trees.

Taking medication is not something I openly discuss with people. It has been a part of my life for a long time. My childhood was abusive. I went through a lot as a teenager. My emotions just never seemed to be manageable. Its a big reason why I would self-medicate. As I've grown up, through parenting, I'm pretty even tempered. These days, I take my Prozac. We have only been here for a few days but I'm beginning to think that the life I lived perpetuated the use of mood stabilizers. It has been extremely interesting here. We are very isolated. There is no TV, no phone, no internet. It is calm and super quiet. It's so quiet then when I yell for the kids, it echos across the whole yard. The drive to civilization is a curvy road covered in trees. I find myself just smiling. There have been so many deer. I know I wont always get this excited when I see them but right now its amazing. Maybe with a simpler life I wont need anything to "stabilize" my mood. Life in San Diego was always hectic, we were always on the go. I'm beginning to think the stress was self created, the emotions on overload, all because I was just doing too much, and way way too overstimulated. It is really nice here. It feels good. We all feel good. The only thing missing is the husband. We have not accepted an offer on the home in SD. Until that time he has to remain behind. I really miss him. He will feel the peace here too. I think it will be easy to escape the grumpiness, we are running away from. Yesterday we went to a garage sale and I chatted it up with a local mom. She invited us to a playgroup on Wednesday. Also, mentioned the kids are welcome to come over and play with her 3 litters of piglets. The people here are pretty darn nice. I have a lot on my plate, homeschool starts in a little over a week. I have a lot to set up. We wont be getting internet until next week. It is almost nice with out it, I'm sure that will wear off, plus we need it. My youngest sons are pretty sick. I took #5 to the urgent care Friday, he has a double ear infection and phenomena. Now, it sounds like #4 is almost as bad. We have had some rough nights in the sleep department. In the scheme of things, I feel like a badass. I'm handling these 5 kids, unpacking, in the forest by myself. I am feeling great. Forget Prozac, all I need is all these trees....and my kids of course...and my hubby...oh and chocolate...and my parents....and animals...my friends. Well, maybe its more than just trees, but whatever the key to happiness is, I think I'm headed in the right direction!!!

The first day....done done done!

Ok, so we spent all day yesterday unpacking. My dad helped me bring in the mattresses to have  places to sleep. I unloaded the truck with #5 on my back the whole time. I even carried twin mattresses on my shoulder by myself while baby-wearing. I am woman... hear me roar. We set up the crib in one of the upstairs bedrooms. It is the first actually nursery I have had in 5 kids. It was a special moment. A very happy moment. The amount of space is glorious. The kids had the best time. They were riding their bikes off the deck ramp. They played with the new kitchen grandma scored  for $20 off craigslist. They hiked around the property making believe. We ate grapes right off the vine. We spent our first night in the house last night. It was a little scary arriving after dark. There was a deer right in our driveway. The hum and buzz of the grasshoppers was super loud. I tucked the kids in. I will admit I was slightly nervous. I have no cell service in the new house. There is no internet or house phone yet. I felt so disconnected. It was a bit weird but I wasn't scared like I thought Id be. When I took the dog out to pee before bed, a mom and baby deer were right in the front yard. How cool is that? Today we are going to go to Urgent Care. I am pretty sick, so is #2 and #5. Never a dull moment.

One major road trip

Headed out of San Diego about 9am. My mom flew down to make the trip with us. I told her I was just gonna get on the 5 and stay there. "You don't take the 5...Do you?" At that point I just think I must have gotten my freeways confused, so I'll just get on the 15 and go. I did just that. When I started seeing signs for Barstow, I realized I had done something wrong. Well we added about 4 hours to the trip. Eventually made it to Sacramento after 9pm. All the kids were crying. I was seeing double but we made it to a nice hotel. I got a few hours of sleep before the 5-hour energy, coffee, and energy drink I had consumed during the day reared its ugly head. My body had shut down, my mind had went along with it for a little bit until about 3am. I was up from then on. My mind was racing. It was a hectic night with needy babies, pizza delivery guys, broken tv, pets, and noise complaints. We got back on the road about 9am the next morning. The second day I was sore and burnt. We stopped more often. We made it to the new house about 5pm.  The renter was still moving things out, so that was weird. The kids went crazy. Exploring every corner. We took video and pictures. It was pretty awesome. The first night we stayed at my parents house. I was just too tired to make beds happen.

I'm ready...well not ready ready...but ready to go.

Holy Moly, I'm ready to go. Now, the car isn't packed but it will be by tonight. I mean emotionally mentally ready to go. The fact that my hubby isn't coming hurts my feelings.  We have to do what it takes. We will be together soon. The last few days have been overwhelming. We went out the other night, let off some steam. It was exactly what I needed. The night just screamed closure to me. I hugged friends I wont see again, at least for a long time. Friends I expected to be there, didn't show up. Some friends shined beyond any expectation I could ever have. Some friends disappointed. I found clarity. The bar was seedy. I saw so much sadness there, so much loneliness. I saw judgment. I danced like no body was watching. I loved hard and spoke from my heart. When I woke up in the morning, I knew I was done here. I don't want to live this kind of life anymore. There was a moment in all the chaos of the last few days when my husband pulled over the car to take #3 to the bathroom. I watched my little man chase after my big man to make it to the potty in time. I laughed out loud at his little duck feet flying out trying to keep pace. My heart swelled, watching him waddle back to the car holding daddy's hand with pride on his face. I remembered the reason were moving. I have him and 4 other huge reasons. If I just keep reminding myself why I'm really doing this. It is going to be ok. My Babies are everything to me. This new life is for them.

Stress with a capital S

I am so freakin stressed out. My stomach hurts. I feel like I'm on the verge of tears every second of every minute. I want to strangle my husband....literally strangle. We are pretty much not speaking at all. We have nothing nice to say to each other. We got an offer on the house. Our agent is less than helpful. We are receiving advice from every other direction. My head feels like it is going to explode. My mom arrived in town the other day. She is going to drive up to Oregon with me in 3 days. 3 days. 3 days. Tonight we have a night out planned. I need it so desperately. I am at the end of my rope completely. Totally on the verge of a breakdown. I have nothing left to give. I need refueling.  Im hoping this break tonight, the day I have planned for tomorrow will refurbish me enough to get through the next few weeks. I will have all 5 kids in a new house by myself. My intention is to ready the homeschool situation. At this point just thinking about makes me want to crawl in a hole and throw up. So, that's the here and now of it all. Keepin it real!

1 week to go

My children and I leave in one week from today. My emotions are on such a rollercoaster. I'm anxious and super excited. I also feel really sad. I'm even a bit scared. There are people here that mean so much to me, but I know if our bond is strong, our paths will cross again. I will miss the weather. Silly as it may sound, I will miss the 99cent store and GTM. I love to bargain hunt and score a great deal. My mom has been so supportive. Her excitement is very encouraging. Next week, I will begin to get ready for homeschool. We will have a whole room set up as a classroom. How cool is that? Our house isn't getting much action on the market. Hubby is gonna have to stay here until we get a solid offer. This is not ideal. In a perfectly painted dream we would arrive in our new life together. However, until the house sells we still have to pay the mortgage here. We've started saying our good-byes to the ones that want one. Good-byes can be really hard. I think some people would rather skip them. It's either that or we don't matter as much as we thought we did to some people. We are ok with that. This process has really shown me my true friends and family in San Diego. Leaving the true ones is breaking my heart. This is not an easy process. Some think we are crazy, others brave. I think it's a bit of both.

In your eyes

In your eyes, I see love in the truest form.
I see kindness
I see strength
I see beauty
In your eyes, I see my purpose.
I see joy
I see peace
I see light
In your eyes, I see happiness
I see wonder
I see curiosity
I see innocence.
In your eyes, My son
I see me.
When you look at me,
My son,
I. See. Me.

10 signs that Daddy isnt suffering from guilt like I do

Now, I don't want any dads to take offence. I actually admire the ability to self serve. For whatever reason...I am incapable of putting myself first. I blame Mommy guilt. It seems to me dads don't suffer from that same nagging feeling they could be doing better...ALL the time. I always feel like I could do more. Here are the signs I've noticed that men don't struggle with the same guilt moms do.

1. They go to the bathroom alone and with the door closed......they even take their time!!!

2. He watches sports for hours.

3. Dads watch what they want on TV. Sometimes they even change the cartoons.

4. Dads make and eat a snack for and by themselves.

5. Dads seem to have this amazing ability to fall asleep. Anywhere. Through anything....labor, newborns, nightmares, earthquakes, plays, hide n seek....anything.

6. Men can play video games, listen to music, watch TV and it all of a sudden becomes appropriate.

7.  He gets dressed, gets ready, and brushes his teeth first.

8.  He SITS down to eat his meals, even reads the newspaper during breakfast.

9. Dads can take regular showers...ALONE!

10. Daddy isn't trying to make it to every birthday party, event, or get together. It's ok to say no.

As I said, I have noticed this in admiration. I'm totally jealous. Men seem to have an easier time taking a few minutes for themselves. I've said it before and Ill say it again....Mommy guilt is a bitch!

Now we wait....

Now, we sit in a state of transition. The house is clean, I just have to keep it that way. It feels like we are running out of time to take care of the loose ends. At the same time, we are kinda just sitting here, waiting....thinking. I find myself reflecting on the people I have here. I have some absolutely wonderful mommy friends. Mommies that love it and struggle just like I do. Friends that know how it feels to not get enough sleep. Friends who don't get upset when I don't text back right away. Friends that I know I can lean on if I need to. I don't make friends easily, it has taken me along time. I will truly miss my special group of mommy friends.
I also have a few long time friends...friend that have known me from my Vida loca.(crazy life). Friends that may or may not relate to me as a mom, but we are bonded through time.
My husband has an enormous extended family in SD. His amazing grandmother had 8 children. I will miss the big fun family parties. I will miss the family connection for my children.  I tend to be very guarded. Unfortunately, I have not formed overly strong bonds with many in his family. However, there is a good-sized handful that I just love to pieces. They are kind, generous, open loving people. I have always felt very comfortable and accepted  by them. My heart hurts when I think about leaving the people I love in San Diego, My San Diego family. Thank goodness for social media or I would be a blubbering mess. Good-bye is not forever...it's just for now. I may not want to live in SD, but its a great place to visit.

The house is on the market....

The last few days have been full. We cleaned and packed until we could clean and pack no more. The house looks great....and empty. I find it incredibly sad. We have brought 3 children home to this house. We painted over the penciled in growth chart on the wall. All the pictures are gone. We remain waiting with the basics. I suppose this is the time to reflect. The time for closure. I have to admit I am filled with anxiety. It's pretty constant. I wonder if we are doing the right thing. I hope with all my being that this will all work out. I day-dream and fanaticize. I try to picture our new life. I decorate and plan. Most of all I fret and worry. Saturday was the open house. Yesterday, we took the kids on the trolley. As we enter our final weeks in SD, my husband and I rack our brains for things we will miss. We have a list of what we want to do before we go. The kids have always wanted to ride the trolley. I'm really glad we found time. They loved it. Watching their little faces light up will be a memory saturated in pure joy forever. Children have the most amazing ability to make the simplest moments so satisfying. We have been to the beach twice in the last week. I am trying to fill our calendar with fun and farewells. This new undertaking is finally upon us. The children and I depart in 2 weeks from tomorrow. The count down has begun.

A turning point.....a true story!

As I was packing, I came across an old journal. It has a pretty cool story in it so I thought Id share, I've always liked to write but this story stuck out, it was definitely a turning point in my life....not really in a good way either.

The sound of brakes screeching and a loud crash interrupted my nightly ritual of making dinner. My inner voice said "You have to go". Who knew that sound would begin an internal collision in me. A collision of who I had been, what I had become, and how it was all about to change. I ran out of my house just in time to see a large dark figure land in the street. At first, I thought it was a baby carriage. My head cleared, I continued running closer, I could make out a man laying in the road. His motorcycle down 30ft behind him. He was badly injured. His limbs lay in abstract directions, surrounded by blood. A large piece of  plastic had punctured his helmet, appearing to be imbedded in his head. I knelt next to the man and said "I'm an H.H.P and I'm here to help." Now, having just graduated from school, I could officially attach the label; Holistic Health Practitioner to my name. A man of the other side of his body immediately lashed out at me. "I know what you are. You get the fuck outta here." Completely taken a back by his accusing tone, I backed up for a moment. The cruel bystander began fumbling around, grasping at the injured mans arm. The bone was obviously protruding, as he grabbed it he would ask, "Can you feel this?" Worried, I stepped closer, kneeling next to the wounded man. "What's your name?" I asked. He was conscious but very confused. "Peter" he replied. "Peter, my name is Holly. You have been in an accident. You are ok. You just need to stay still." I comforted.  The angry man, still on the other side of Peter, barked at me. "Get away from him you Bitch, I know what you are. I know what you do...I know you." Peter was suffering, in a whisper he pleaded, "Please, Stop Fighting!" Again, I backed off, trying to maintain some sort of peace to a darkening situation. The aggressive man began ranting about how he was a medic in the military. He began to attack Peter with a spew of questions. "Do you know where you are?" Do you know what day it is?" Do you know what happened?" Peter's eyes rolled back in his head. His head began turning slowly back and forth as he moaned..." I don't know" and started to cry. I could see panic spread over his face. At this point, Mr. Ex-military began to remove his helmet, which as I mentioned had been pierced. I lunged forward and growled "Do not touch him."  I knew if he moved that helmet anymore, he could kill Peter. Mr. Ex-military swung his arm at me yelling "Get out of here Bitch." Just in time, the ambulance arrived. As they put Peter on to the gurney, I went into a daze. It was as if I was watching him in an old silent movie. Time moved so slowly. They lifted him into the ambulance, people surrounded me. They all began speaking at once. "That guy was an asshole... You did the right thing....Are you ok?" I could hear them but it seemed so far away. At that moment, the EMT's had cut Peters shirt open. The most heavenly light came pouring out of the material as it separated. Glorious bright white light shot out of Peter's chest. In that one second, it was all I could see, all I could hear. Shinning like a thousand diamonds, ringing with the sweet sound of bells laid a very simple silver cross on Peter's chest. In that split second, I experienced something that is indescribable with words. It was mind-blowing, then it was gone. The ambulance doors closed. My ears flooded with the voices of the people around me. In the blink of an eye, time jumped back to it's normal pace. However, I would never be the same. I walked away for the accident scene...fuzzy...being bombarded with comments and questions. I mumbled "Did you see that cross?" Dazed and confused I made it back to my duplex. I felt delirious and overwhelmed.  When inside, I broke down sobbing. My boyfriend at the time asked in a condescending tone "Why do you do stuff like that if your just gonna cry?" I looked at him, I saw the truth. He didn't really know me. He didn't understand. In that moment, I knew our relationship was over. I had become a healer. After a year of intensive self-realization, meditation, schooling, self healing and repair, I had become a healer. Now, here was my first experience outside of the peaceful walls of school. It was the first time I had attached the initials H.H.P to my name. My boyfriend put me down. Even worse, the world criticized me. That angry ex-military having a flashback jerk passed judgment on me. Now, you would think this is the part of the story where I have an epiphany. No, I'm writing this 5 years later. At that time, I became filled with self doubt and loneliness. My relationship was over. The relationship I had isolated myself in for way too long ended. I had no friends. In addition I was filled with fear. Fear of my intuition. Fear of my ability. Afraid and full of grief, I turned to my old buddy; drugs. This time it was different. It wasn't fun. It was an all out consumption of my soul. I remained a healer but destroyed myself.

So...that's it...it has notes for more but that's all that was written in story form. Incident happened about 14 years ago. Obviously, I have rebuilt from said destruction.

Putting one foot in front of the other

At this point stress is crushing down on me like a ton of bricks. When I think about all that needs to be done, I want to curl up crying in the fetal position. I believe I am very good at handling 5 children. At times or almost all the time, that's all I can handle. It has been hard to have so much more to accomplish on a daily basis than just them. I am in awe of people with out kids. I often wonder what my time would be spent doing if I wasn't feeding, changing, chasing, raising these 5 children. 24 hours a day. 7 days of the week. Before kids it was mostly self-destruction. Truth be told, I take it as a blessing. These kids keep me honest....keep me on the straight and narrow. That being said, I would give anything for a 24hour break. I'm completely maxed. This journey is so overwhelming. The path in front of me is so scary. Today, I'm doing my best to stay in the moment. Stay calm. Focus on the here and now. ...just putting one foot in front of the other. One step at a time, we are gonna make it!

Some real honesty for ya...

Short and sweet. Stress and I are not friends. I have limited coping skills for stress. The last few days have been ugly. Shits about to get real. If I'm speaking to my kids, I'm probably yelling. I have absolutely lost all patience. It's gone. Totally gone. I have no idea where to find more. I yanked my daughters shirt off her head yesterday because I had told her to take it off 3 times. I burst into tears 3 times yesterday. My husband and are arguing constantly. He is driving me crazy. In case he ever reads this, which you may have guessed, he does not, I will spare you the embarrassing details. However, yesterday he spent 45 minutes talking about sex, all the while all I wanted to do was stab him in the neck. We have so much work to do. The house was supposed to go on the market tomorrow. Well, that's not gonna happen. Gotta go! If he catches me writing this, they'll be another fight....but I had to vent. I want to SCREAM!!!! One more thing, I hate painting!

What its really like to have all these kids...

It's digging through the trash can at 8:30pm looking for Iron Man's head. (Thinking we'd never see the body again, I threw it there this morning, Well, guess who showed up?)

It's using #4s shorts as a baby wipe.

It's never getting a good night sleep. NEVER. ever!

It's forgetting to brush my teeth.

It's remembering at the last minute to change out of my PJs before I leave the house.

It's a lot of snuggles, hugs, and kisses

It's cooking dinner in a hot house to have not one child like it

It's sweet tiny voices and little hands holding

It's laughter, screaming, crying, running, singing, stomping, fighting, jumping,

It's loud. VERY loud!

It's counting....counting heads, counting snacks, counting socks, counting minutes, counting blessings, counting down til bedtime

It's tender moments when compassion surrounds me.

It's booger and tears.

It's fear. Fear I'll lose them. Fear they'll get hurt. Fear bigger than any fear imaginable

It's hope. Hope I'm doing ok. Hope they're ok. Hope they're happy. Hope for the future.

It's freezing the moment. Taking pictures and video. Staring at their faces trying to memorize them just as they are right now.

It's rushing and running.

It's speeding and stressing.

It's watching a lot of cartoons.

It's a lot of worry. It's anxiety. It's concern.

It's sitting down to dinner topless because you've been so busy breastfeeding you don't even notice.

It's never having enough money.

It's a lot of poop, puke and pee.

Its pride...so much pride your heart could burst.

It's late nights and early mornings.

It's forgetting and regretting.

It's trips to the emergency room.

It's beautiful and messy.

It's trying, more trying, and trying even harder.

Its being the best person you can possibly be.

It's precious and adorable.

It's mind-blowing.

It's impatience and patience.

It's waking up everyday with a purpose.

It's mini vacations alone at the grocery store.

It's the deepest sense of fulfillment.

It's struggle and accomplishment.

It's losing my temper.

It's never having enough time.

It's commitment.

It's connection.

Its happiness and pure joy

It's overwhelming.

It's so much pressure.

It's guilt, mistakes, and apologies.

It's a miracle.

It's teaching, learning, and growing together.

It's crazy, hectic and spastic.

It's realizing your child has a project, field trip, performance, or doctor's appointment at the very last minute.

It's hilarious.

It's a lot of deep breaths.

It's improvising.

It's figuring out what really matters.

It's LOVE...in the truest sense of the word.

It's everything I have ever wanted and more.