Elaborate children's birthday parties- What's the point?

Yesterday we celebrated my daughter's 8th birthday. It was a Frozen themed party. I went all out, as I usually do. Themed snacks, great food, games, and decorations. It became apparent about 5 minutes into the party that no one was going to show up. I was heartbroken. I had worked so hard. The cupcakes were adorable. I made 20 of them. Plus the food, so much food. I was super nervous to tell my daughter, no other children would be at her party besides her siblings. She actually took it rather well. There were a few points during the day, I could see she was sad. My parents and sister were here. We all made an enormous effort to be fun. We all paid special attention to her. When it came time to play pin the nose on the Olaf, we all took a turn. It was really fun.

It got me thinking about the purpose of these elaborate birthday parties. Did I do them for my children? Where they for me? Where they for the guests?  I know I want my child to have an amazing time and feel special. Am I setting a standard of over indulgence? What about expectations? Am I teaching them to have huge expectations? It occurred to me that at a typical party, I would've spent a majority of the time making rounds. Normally, I would have very little interaction with the birthday child. We would cross paths at cake and gift time. Otherwise we were hanging out with our own friends. Though there was an air of disappointment in the lack of guests, something special bloomed in our family. Our family played together. Our family jumped on the trampoline. Our family laughed and stuffed our faces with treats.

I have another birthday coming up for #3 in a month. What will I do? Go out of my way to make an over the top celebration when it is very likely it will only be our family again. Damn straight! That is exactly what I will do. It is not easy being a sibling of so many. A birthday celebration makes my babies happy. Each one gets a special day full of over indulgence and love.

Disappointment is a part of life. Learning to set realistic expectations is important. However, the biggest lesson of yesterday is that love and support is the best gift we have to give.

Change is never easy but sometimes it's the best thing.

I have had a few realizations recently and thought Id share.  We were terrified to make this move. It was incredibly difficult to give up our good income, owning a home in Southern California, our health insurance, and our friends and family. For me, it was all about my children. What did I think was best for them. San Diego can be a bit superficial, I didn't want them to have that pressure. Daddy was overworked and grumpy.  I wanted to stay married. I want my children to have both parents. Involved and active. I felt our lives were filled with distractions. I want our children to be the main focus. Not their activities, parties, or homework. Them...the actual people they were becoming.
We didn't know what moving would do to our family. We took a huge risk. I believe it has really paid off. One thing we have given ourselves is time. Time is so precious and really hard to come by. Our days here seem filled with so many more hours. Hours to cook and cuddle. Time to garden and play. I feel very connected to my children and husband. By freeing up so much time we have reduced our stress considerably. Caring for 5 children is hectic regardless but when you add constant activities and rushing, it can be overwhelming. I wish I could pinpoint all that has changed. I feel like my life is so much more manageable. Daddy is present and involved. I am rested and engaged. Our children are so happy. Things have worked out. Finances. Health Insurance. Fear kept us from making the changes we longed for. Now that we have settled into our new lifestyle, I feel more and more that we have made the best decision for our family.

Dear Toddler,

To my Dearest Toddler,
          Thank you so much for always being so enthusiastic when you see me. It makes feel special. It makes me feel loved. I love the way you grasp my finger to take me with you. When you get ahead, you look back over your shoulder often to make sure I'm still following. You have learned my trick, sometimes I guide you to a distraction just so I can turn and run the other way. You are so smart. Its just that it can be hard to fold laundry when you find it so fun to lay in the clothes. It can be difficult sweeping the floor when you dance in the pile. It is also not easy to unload the dishwasher when you climb on the door to jump up and down. Sometimes, you even try to grab a knife and run away with it. Aren't you cute? Don't worry, I'm right here. I won't go too far. I'll finish that chore and be right back. It helps me move a lot faster having you repeat "mommy, mommy. mommy" at the door. Your sweet tiny voice melts my heart. You won't always call me Mommy. You can and will say it 1000 times today. Just don't cry. Don't fill with sadness or stress or fear. Don't worry, everything is ok. When I sooth your tears away, I soak up the way you hold onto me. Like I matter. Like I am the only one who can fix it. Don't worry, I will. If I can, I will. You clutch onto me with fingers and hands and feet and toes...like a little monkey. I treasure that hold. You need me. I need you. One of your new favorite things to do is smack me in the face or pull my hair. I'm not a fan of this game but you think it is hilarious. I am also not a fan of how you turn into a gymnast when I'm trying to change your diaper. Of course, you also think that is hilarious. It's ok, I won't change your diapers forever. I love the little conversations we have. You understand everything I'm saying. You reply in wonderfully long sentences. In which maybe I understand two words. It's adorable. You are adorable. I love the way you start laughing when everybody else is laughing, you don't get it but you want to be involved. Your laugh is amazing. Your smile is so stinkin cute and contagious.
Today, you used my lavender lotion to paint on the window. It was beautiful. Even better, you smell delicious. It makes squishing your cheeks and kissing your neck extra fun. Your timing is excellent. Of course, you had just gotten out of the bath. That's ok, we'll do it again tomorrow. All of it. Thank God! Please don't grow up too fast little person. This is a time I'll always cherish.
                                                                                            Love, Mommy
P.S. Thank you for all your mmmmmm long kisses and knee hugs!

Biopsy results are in and I'm feeling good!!!

The "growths" were found to be free from cancer. Whoo hoo!!! I feel a bit guilty celebrating when I know other have faced the agonizing wait for results, yet they did not receive such happy news. I went to bed early last night because the anxiety was eating me alive. However, I was late for my appointment this morning because I had remembered the time incorrectly. When they said they couldn't see me again until Thursday I freaked out a little. The receptionist told me the Dr. was in surgery until after 3. I told her I would return then and wait in the lobby until he saw me. There was no way I was going home to plex for the next 3 days. No Thanks! Anyway, I was seen at about 4pm and told the good news. I hadn't realized how worried I was until I almost didn't get an answer today. I still haven't felt great but at least now I know cancer is not the problem.  Thank you to everyone that prayed for me, did diamoku, or sent love and positive energy my way. I appreciate it! Now, it's time to focus back on the farm!

My baby maker is on the mend.

Surgery went well on Monday. I had 2 growths removed from the inside of my uterus. I am no stranger to surgery. The bright lights, cords, IV, and monitors can be quite intimidating. I have had surgeries where I have been awake with a spinal or completely out. I always feel a bit vulnerable after anesthesia.  This surgery was especially disturbing because I know during my unconscious hour, my lady parts were very exposed. Also, I woke up with a quarter sized burn on my left butt cheek. Its never comforting to wake up and wonder what happened to my butt. LOL! Did the doctor drop the laser or something. Awkward. Anyway, Doc said it went well. He seemed positive. The results will be back in less than 2 weeks. I am a bit sore. Emotionally, I feel a bit grumpy and sad. I guess I am relieved it's over but anxious for the results. There is a chance the surgery has affected my fertility. I honestly doubt it. I'm fertile mertile. At this point I am with out birth control and was told it is possible my IUD caused the growths. Is it time for a permanent birth control??? A snip snip? A tie? Most would say it is. I am terrified of taking the power of my baby maker away. For now, Ill stay present. One day at a time. When I get my results back, I'll decide my next move.

Keeping Bees towards sustainability

I recently purchased a new innovation in Bee Keeping. It is a hive that requires less disturbance to the bees and makes retrieving honey easier. I have been interested in bee keeping for a few years now. My tattoo artist and I got in a long conversation about his own bee keeping. It was inspiring. If the purpose of our homestead is to be more sustainable, it makes sense to produce our own sweetener. As I am allergic to bees, I wasn't sure how to approach keeping bees. The new bee hive system is set to arrive in December, all the way from Australia. It set us back almost $700, including the shipping. In between now and then I plan to join a beekeeping group to learn all I can. The hope is that by next summer we will be producing our own honey.  Also by next summer I would like to be producing our own goats milk and making cheese. Our chicken coop and garden are in the works now. Over the next year we will build up our flock substantially. If all of these plans play out, we will be swimming in eggs, honey, veggies, fruits, and goats milk by next summer. Sounds sustainable, right?  I have a vision of a self pay stand set up at the end of our drive-way filled with our bounty. Our neighbors could stop by, grab, pay. and go. It could contribute to our homestead bringing in an income.  A few other thoughts we have considered for an income is raising meat rabbits or pigs. We will breed our mini pig and guardian dogs. The pigs go for $500 and the puppies $400. My husband is currently taking a small engine/farm equipment class at the college. This is a skill we will need, be able to trade locally, and even possibly bring in an income. I feel pretty darn satisfied with our current progress. I am really looking forward to our intended growth and grateful to be sharing it with all of you!

Spring Break, Health, Foster parenting, Food Snob, and Homesteading

I feel like I should apologize for not writing in a while. I've been busy....moody...uninspired. Time to get back on the horse. We had visitors for our spring break. Our friends, the only other family of 7 I know, came from San Diego for 4 days. It was a lot of cooking and cleaning. A lot of noise. A lot of fun!

The surgery to remove my Uterine "growths" is scheduled in about 2 weeks. I have been feeling ok. There have been a few uncomfortable days. They are probably not cancer, at least that is what I have been telling myself. Hopefully, when they are gone, with them goes the pain.

My husband and I have begun our foster parenting classes. It is twice a week. We are both really enjoying them. Things here are so much more real, less bureaucratic. It is a really nice group of people, both teachers and participants.  Last nights class was about sexual abuse. They said 85% of children in foster care have been abused. It was eye opening, heart breaking, and inspiring at the same time. I want a chance to show love to children that have never felt it before. It is so beyond disgusting what some people are capable of, especially to the most innocent.

Speaking of the innocent, I feel like animals are taken advantage of and treated poorly by the human race. I don't eat meat and I avoid almost all animal products. It's not exactly that I think eating meat is wrong. It is the way meat and dairy is produced in this country. It's quite the opposite of happy animals frolicking in pastures as some may picture. It's filthy, extremely crowded, infected, and evil. I personally can't take part in it. I never wanted to label myself "vegan". I just want to enjoy healthy, organic, non-gmo, cruelty free sustenance. It appears I have become a bit of a food-snob. Even better, so have my children. We went to the auction again. My daughter leaned over and said. "It is so sad watching all these people poisoning themselves." She was referring to the mass consumption of soda, huge plates of gmo corn chips covered in synthetic cheese, hot dogs, and cotton candy. It's especially sad seeing kids eat that way.

On the home front, we have been making some great progress. We scored some amazingly cheap fencing, T posts, and chicken wire off craigslist. The garden has been plotted. My husband and I built a rabbit hutch out of reclaimed wood. We got a little male lion head bunny at the auction. His poop will be a nice addiction to our compost. Missy pig has moved outside. She went into heat and forgot how to use the litter box, so out she went. There is a lot more to do in the next couple months. Our guardian puppies need to come home so the property fence has to go up. The fruits and veggies need to go in the ground in about a month. It's a busy but beautiful time on the homestead!

Rain Rain go away....and Cancer...you go away too!

We took a few days to visit Portland. It was pleasant and stressful.  Lots of crying. One kid got sick. We didn't get to go to the children's museum. Visited some amazing people and ate some fantastic food. I am serious, eating in Portland is on a whole different level. Everyone must try it!

I have been pretty impressed with the amount of rain since we moved here. It really hasn't rained as much as I thought it would. However, spring is here and it is still raining. Apparently, March and April are the rainy months. Arg...I'm so over the rain. It will be wonderful for our garden. A few dry days to build our new chicken coop and begin planting would be welcome.

I haven't been feeling too good lately. I'm sure the lack of sun has something to do with it. My woman "cycle" has been pretty much nonstop. I have a lot of body aches, cramps, and back pain. I have been pursuing medical answers. Yesterday, during a pelvic ultrasound/exam two masses were found in my uterus. I will have surgery soon to have them removed and tested. Of course, I am nervous but I will do my best to try not to worry. Yep...it might be cancer...and it might not. So for now, rain and cancer go away!

As a person...a parent...a partner...I'm running out of steam. What is the solution?

The demands on us in life are never ending. What is the answer when you just feel like you are running out of steam? I heard someone once say to not think about it. It's pointless to antagonize about all that's overwhelming. Shut up, put up, and show up. I do. Often. Don't dwell...just handle it. The last few days have been stressful. Nothing in particular has happened. I just feel bad for the kids. I am running out of patience. The sound of their voices is driving me crazy. I have stopped hearing the content of their verbal diarrhea completely. I pretty much want to hide. Which of course, isn't going to happen. We spend an enormous amount of time together. The hubby is getting on my nerves too. I need a break. I need to recoup. Again, not going to happen. So what is the solution? What does one do when they are running on empty and refueling isn't in sight? This would be the fantastic part where I come up with an incredible answer, but I don't have one. I guess I'll muddle through until a great night of sleep refreshes me or maybe I just need a kick in the pants. As of now, my baby is refusing to go to sleep so I'll go sooth him, suppressing my desire to throttle instead.

Life with Kids-Advice from a mother of 5~!!

Thought I'd share a few things I have learned having five kids. Some ideas may seem obvious but others didn't set in for me until well into life with 5 kids.

1. Relax- Being stressed out just sets a stressed out example for your kids. They will learn quickly to stress and do it often. Show them how to calm down, relax, and enjoy life. Stress is a part of life but it doesn't have to be the main event. When stress is legit, try to give examples of good stress management. It's ok to tell the kids you need a break. Take a bath. Go for a run. Scream in your pillow. Even have a cocktail, as long as its not the only example you give.

2. Let it go. It can't all be done. Point, blank, period. Its not possible to make every party or event. It is so overwhelming to try to get every chore done. They just start right over so why fret? Set aside a certain amount of time to clean everyday and do what you can. Balance responsibilities with fun. Accomplish with out overdoing it. Prioritize. Good moms have laundry piles, sticky floors, and happy kids.

3. Pick your battles. Most children are pretty much constant button pushers. It takes a lot of repetition and consistency. There has to be a little give and take between you and the kids. Stick to your guns on the big stuff but let up a little on the little things. It gives kids a sense of self and accomplishment. I am finding this exceptionally true as I begin to raise a teenager. She wants to feel independent and I need her to follow the rules. A little compromise goes along way in building a strong relationship.

4. When in doubt- Play! Overwhelmed? Tired? Stressed? Drop it all....sit on the floor...grab a doll....or some play dough and just play. Be present! Soak up that amazing light that is your child! Even if it's just for 10 minutes.  It will make you both feel so much better! I swear!

5. Acces the danger. How hurt could they actually get? If the outome may be a scratch on the knee or a bump....ride it out. Scars build character. The world is a hard place and you cant keep your kids in a bubble. Let them learn to cope with the small stuff...it's good practice for life's bigger boo-boos.

6. Push the limits of your comfort zone. Hate bugs? Pretend to love them. Dislike pickles? At least let your kids try them. Don't let your fear or anxieties shape your children's.

7. Don't sweat the small stuff.  There are a lot of little trails in child raising. Cut yourself and your child a break. In the scheme of things...most of it's not a big deal! Accidents, mistakes, forgetfulness....It's gonna happen. Go with the flow. Focus on the positive! Save the worry for deserving issues. Finding out your baby has cancer, now that is something to freak out about. They forgot their lunch box or the car got a flat...not a biggie. Put things in perspective! Teach your kids reasonable emotional reactions!

9. Accept. Accept yourself. Accept them. Accept the mess. Accept you will be late on occasion. Accept stains. Accept spills. Accept lack of sleep. The more you accept that these things will happen the easier your life will be.

10. Be prepared-Expect the unexpected. Bring juice boxes. emergency lollipops. snacks, change of cloths, first aid kit, or cash. Things can change pretty quickly with kids. Don't be blindsided by a detour-Go with it!

11. Sing. Make everything into a song. Life with kids is much better as a musical.

12.  Lower your expectations. Not of your children but on situations. Face it- you'll be late sometimes. Your kids will be dirty. You will be tired...so will they. Setting too high a standard is a recipe for disaster. Life is what happens when we make plans.

13. Try, Try again.  If your little one spits out the first olive he eats, try another one in a few months. Perhaps the first attempt at soccer is a disaster. Don't give up! Sometimes, we decide what they are good at or what they like/don't like before they do. Don't define them. Life is new as a child. Let them explore and try again.

We have taken our first step to becoming foster parents!

I am so excited. I am literally shaking. I just got off the phone with the new foster parent coordinator for Southern Oregon. We have signed up for the first part of the process, which is a series of 8 classes. After we take the classes, we will begin the application process. That's the hard part. They will do home inspections, run background checks, and check our references. It can take up to 6 months before a child is placed in the home. I'm not sure I can explain how much I want this. In my time of active addiction I witnessed children in horrible situations.  I helped where I could but it was never enough. Children without food. Kids with mean screaming abusive parents. Children left alone...for way too long. Dirty and frightened little babies. It was heartbreaking. No Christmas tress. No birthday parties. No security. No love. When I left that life, I swore I would pay back all the wrong I had done. I decided shortly after getting clean that I wanted to be a foster parent. My husband and I tried in San Diego after we got married. I was told more time needed to pass between me and my past for me to be considered. Even then it was unlikely. At the time, I was pretty devastated. I learned that policies for foster care were different in Oregon, which made just another reason to move. Anyway, I'm here now and I'm trying again. I want this so badly. I have done my share of procreation, I think it would be awesome to spread the love. There are so many children out there in need. I am apprehensive. It is possible I wont qualify. I'll keep my fingers crossed that Oregon will bring yet another dream come true. If not, I may just have to pop out one more.

Get your face out of your f*cking phone!!!!!!

 I can't be the only person worried about this phone obsessed generation. I recently took my 12 year old daughter to her first concert and was blown away by the lack of interaction. The crowd consisted of mostly teenagers. At least half of them had their faces buried in their phones. They were texting during the concert. Putting themselves on Facebook or Instagram. What happened to enjoying the moment? Being present? Phones seem to have become a security blanket for a lot of people. Awkward in a crowd...get on your phone. Waiting in line....stare at your phone. People have to be missing some possible epic encounters.

Another thing that absolutely drives me crazy is chidren staring at phones in restaurants. Mommy and daddy want to talk so they pop a video on for junior. Toddlers stare  with blank faces at tiny screens, picking at their food and hardly interacting. Even better is when a child starts to act out and a phone is immediately put in front of them. What is the message? What happened to teaching our children how to act in public?  These phases will pass. Its possible children will learn to make eye contact on their own. It's possible the ability to make small talk will develop. I just have my doubts. It seems our connection to each other is diminishing.

At the grocery store the other day a car was backing up from a parking spot right into my daughter. I started yelling and approached the window. The driver literally had his phone right in his face. Needless to say I had some harsh words for the man. "Get your face out of your "f*cking phone...you almost hit my daughter.

In general, I think it's time we all put the f*cking phone down. There is at time and place for the phone.  Not for driving. Not at the dinner table...not at a freakin concert, its not a babysitter, and it's far from a lesson in etiquette.  Hello??? Life is going on all around you. Embrace it! Face up. Phone down. Smile! Have a conversation! Interact with each other. No one will ever die wishing they had spent more time on their phone!!!

10 Things that are better in the country!!!!

1. The Stars. The night sky is covered in a confetti of  beautiful stars. They are mind-blowing out here. Diamonds in the sky, glowing so brightly and clear!

2. The Pace. Everything is done slower in the country. There is less need for instant gratification. People practice patience. Even driving slower seems to slow the internal clock down. Slowing down is very stress-reducing.

3. The Doctor. There is no rush or impatience on the doctors part. If anything, they almost seem willing to chat longer if I had more to say. It feels like they actually listen and take their time. It is so pleasant and comforting.

4. The Crowd. Perhaps, I should say the lack of one. It is so nice to be able to walk freely without getting lost in a heard. There are no lines. There is always a seat. Never a wait. It can be so enjoyable not dealing with the chaos of a crowd.

5. The People. Don't get me wrong, there are great people everywhere. However, in the country there is such a sense of community. People help each other. They reach out. They lean when they need to. People are available to each other. They make an effort and share. It is good for the soul to feel a part of a community.

6. The Outdoors. Nature is such a gift. Life engrossed in it is a true blessing. The air is fresh. The trees are majestic. Rivers. lakes, and creeks are everywhere. It is so healing to be surrounded by water. Coexisting with a variety of animals brings peace and balance. It's so real! It's so grounding!

7. The Cost. Almost everything is so much cheaper. There are a few exceptions...like Organic Vegan food but for the most part things cost a lot less. The Vet visit was $5. Our electric bill is super low. It costs $10 to go to the dump no matter what you have. I went to a pressure canning class that cost $5.

8. The Animals. I love animals and they are everywhere. There are horses, sheep, and cows. I've seen eagles, turkeys, deer, squirrels, and raccoons. Of course, we have to include all our animals.  We now have 3 goats, 2 pigs, 4 dogs, chickens, and 3 cats.

9. The Space.  It is so freeing to be surrounded by open spaces. There are no crowds. Things aren't so overwhelming and claustrophobic. Shopping is less stressful. Driving is easier. Breathing is bigger.  Space eases the pressure of everyday life.  There is less weight on our shoulders.

10. The Sex. Not sure if it's the minerals in the well water or the lack of stress but sex in the country is by far the best.

Mini Pigs are the Best!

I am totally in love with our new Mini Pig. We call her Missy Pig. Yesterday, she ran around the living room with a Valentines Day balloon string in her mouth. It was adorable watching the balloon chase her. She is so snuggly and playful. Who knew pigs were so darn cuddly?  It blows my mind, she actually uses a litter box. Missy is probably about 6 weeks old now and tiny. Her harness doesn't fit yet but the goal is for her to walk her on a leash. It is going to be super fun to take her on outings with our already stare worthy family.

Homesteading has kept us busy. We have about 200ft of fencing up. We found a nice 16ft gate on craigslist for only $100. Plans for a "lean to" have begun. Hopefully, we'll get all the supplies today. The idea is to have a large covered space by the shop to store firewood and animal straw and food. Our neighbor across the street gave us 3 large metal tubs we are going to use as raised garden beds. We have a solid plan for our new chicken coop and garden area. That will be the next project because planting starts in May. There will be one large coop with two runs. The runs will alternate from chickens to garden each year. It will be great to use the chickens to fertilize and prepare the ground. I am hoping to have at least 30 chickens. The neighbor also gave us an incubator so we will begin hatching our own eggs soon. I am so excited to do this with the kids. I would really like to breed our female goat to get milk and learn to keep bees but I'm going to wait until next year. We have a lot going on. The puppies are still over at my parents working with their guardian dogs so our chickens have been out and about on the whole property. One of the best feelings in the world for me is seeing chickens everywhere. It is a visual affirmation that my dream is coming true. That and having my mini pig follow me around the house. Life is good!

Being Authentic

It is not easy for me to open up about myself. It may seem to be, but I'm hiding behind a computer screen.We learned early in my family to keep secrets. However, being authentic is part of self acceptance and discovery. I am who I am. I've been through what I've been through. It makes me who I am today. I happen to like this person. I am a good mom and to me that is all that matters. I left my comfort zone in San Diego, to achieve my life long dreams. I need to acknowledge the path from which I came, to honor that path I walk now. It makes my accomplishments matter all that much more. Moving to Oregon has not been easy. That being said, I feel like we could not have a made a better decision for our family. Our stress level is down by 75%. Our priorities are in order. Everybody is happier, calmer, more peaceful. We are free from many of life's pointless distractions. Our attention is on each other. Where it belongs. Our family connection is stronger than it has ever been. This is time we will never get back. I am proud of how we are spending this time. I am proud of who I've become. I am proud I have the courage to tell my truth.

Life after addiction.

 I read an article about blogging suggesting I decide what story to tell. I feel like I have a few. The main being, what it is like to leave suburbia to start a homestead. Which, of course I am still figuring out. It seems in between that, I write a lot about mom stuff.  It occurred to me, I might have one more story to share. One of change. One of growth. One of recovery. I don't open up much about my past. I'd like to shed some light....because perhaps it could help someone out there struggling. Perhaps, someone will read this and see change is possible. Even for people like us. When I say us, I mean addicts and alcoholics. I am a recovering addict. Crystal meth is what took me over the edge. Although I used every drug I could get my hands on. Everyday! All day long! I started using when I was 16. I got clean when I was 24. I could tell you some horror stories. Horrible stories about a person long gone. Stories of violence and loss. Stories of suffering and pain. Delusion. Manipulation. Like the time, I lit my own house on fire to hide evidence. Another time I aimed an unloaded gun at my door, assuring the cops it was our time to die if they came in. The numerous times I crashed my car or woke up not knowing where I was. I have been to the depth of hell. There are those of you that have been there too. Some of you have watched others go. If it's something you just don't understand, be happy you don't. I was broken. I have wailed in suffering from the bottom of my soul. I didn't care if I saw the next day. I hurt. All the time. I hurt others....so badly. I abandoned morality. I lost everything. I gave up. I went crazy. I was empty. Wanting to change. Wanting to stop but unable to face what I'd done. Who I'd become. The only peace was the high.  The pain without it was immeasurable...unbearable. Truth is... it's all Bullshit. Drugs were the pain. Addiction is a cruel cycle. A twisted merry-go-round. It just got worse and worse until I almost didn't come back. But, I did. Damn it all, I did. I survived. I changed. I grew. I overcame. I am a happily married mother of five. I am a recovering addict.

Update on the home front...

In between, my emotions, mommy problems, and stories, I think It's important I remember to keep you posted on farm life.  Our puppies did fantastic in the on the job training with my parents guardian dogs. It appeared they had a better understanding to guard the animals, not play with them. We brought them home two days ago. Yesterday they killed one of our chickens. Arg! I was so mad. Those girls got a serious lesson in who's the alpha. We are going to take them back to my parents to continue learning. Today, we are going to pick up our new Tea Cup Pig. She is only 3 weeks old. We were not supposed to pick her up for another month. I think the breeder needs the cash. She has called everyday for the last 3 days. We had a lot to prepare for this lady so I've been busy. Enclosed areas. Litter boxes and beds. Our hope is to have her stay indoors. We may even breed her someday, which would help ease my guilt of paying so much for her. Last week, I took one of our cats to the vet, she was walking around yelling as if in heat. Which without lady parts is impossible. She ended having a U.T.I. I also brought in a stool sample from our other cat, who has the runs. The vet asked me to bring him in yesterday. It looks like he has lymphoma. Sad face. We will monitor his quality of life and go from there.  I am now established as a new patient at the local clinic. Yippy! Today my goal is to set up a meet with my new dentist. I had a big chip come out of my tooth yesterday.  Fabulous! It took over two weeks to get an electrician to come out to hook up the spa we bought off craigslist.  The hubby and I finally used it the other night. It was amazing. The star-filled sky. The gorgeous moon peaking out from behind the tall shadowed tree line.  We relaxed feeling very blessed. That night, I slept like a rock. So, that's the update on the home front for now.

To My Dearest Children,

A letter to my children,

There will not be one single sentence in this letter that will adequately describe how much you mean to me. There is no one word big enough. Love, written, is too small. Four little letters just won't cut it. Neither would a thousand or a million. My love for you is beyond words. There may be a day you have children of your own. Then you will get it. Then you will know. It is as if upon your birth my heart climbed right out of my body and into yours. You share it with each other, but I'll never get it back. It completely and totally belongs to you. My heart soars with you. It swells in hope for your happiness and health. I am to the moon and back grateful for you. Thank you. Thank you for everything. Your smile! Your hand! Even, your eyelashes. Those soft wispy slivers framing those eyes. The windows to your soul. Your light! The way you look at me is beyond comprehension. It's adorable! The love in your eyes completes me. I am humbled by the confidence you have in me. Your voice....oh my goodness...your sweet little voice. The hugs you give...the stories you tell. I could live deaf if only I could still hear you. The way you say my name. The 10,000 ways you say "mommy" over and over. It's a question. It's an answer. Mommy, I need you! Honestly, I need you too. My life was given an unimaginable purpose through you. I carried you.  I would give you my heart a million times over. I would give you anything.  If my love alone could sustain you. You would be rich and plump for all your days. There is no end to my love. The depth is beyond the deepest of depths. If ever I lacked purpose, it is found. You are my reason for being, for breathing, for trying. Trying everyday to be the best I can be. To show you the way, not with just words but by example. You make me a better person. A better person than I ever thought I could be. Being your mom means more to me than I can express. There is nothing better on this earth than you. Shine brightly! You are amazing. So smart! So funny! You can do anything! Trust me! I know you. I grew you! You are unstoppable, inspiring, and beautiful. Beautiful from the top of your head to the tip of your toes. Beautiful in every single way, on every singe inch. Inside, you glow. Your potential is breathtaking. Your heart is pure. I wish I could wrap you in my arms and keep you safe forever. Know that I will never leave you! Ever! Even in my death I will stay by your side. I will be there for every milestone. Feel me in your heart. See me in your dreams because I will always be where you need me. I accept you as you are. I am so so so proud of you. No matter what you go through. I will love you always, forever and beyond.

To be grateful

Recently I have been focusing too much on what I don't have, so I am going to list what I am grateful for:

1. A bigger house- yes, it is harder to clean and find things, but my kids can spread out. They have so much fun running from room to room. It feels better!

 2. Homeschooling- We have so much more time in the day. Also, because I realize the responsibility of their education is ours alone. Everything becomes a lesson. Kinda cool!

3. My husband is like a totally different person. Engaged. Fun. Involved. Helpful. It's life changing!

4. Our bond is even stronger. We rely on each other more for entertainment, companionship, and comfort. It has been amazing to watch in the kids.

5. Nothing is crowded. Not a single thing...not even the D.M.V.

6. We have livestock. I have always wanted a pig. We are getting our second in 4 weeks. We have chickens and goats-yeehaw

7. My daughter has a horse. A dream come true for her and a pleasure for the whole family.

8. The children and their grandparents are best friends.

9. My husband is not working and we can afford it for now, It's an adjustment but really something to be treasured. He is home to help and bond with the kids.

10. Some things are so CHEAP! Took the cat to the vet the other day and the exam was $5. WTF?

11. Overall, people have been very kind, helpful, and generous.

12. It is freakin beautiful! I mean...wow...

I have a lot to be grateful for....I know it. I need to live it. My children have seemed ungrateful to me lately. Everything is a big deal. Lots of groaning. I realized, I must be setting the example. It's time for an attitude adjustment.

Happiness is hard to find.

Back before we were married, my husband and I had a long talk about our dreams and goals. I should say my dreams, which included lots of children and becoming a farmer, because he didn't have many. He said his main goal was to make me happy. I immediately warned him that it was going to be nearly impossible. I am not a happy person. Happiness has never come easy to me. He should probably focus on something else or end up feeling very dissatisfied. As the years have passed, I have learned he was in a starting over phase then more then a goal setting phase. He has learned how right I was in my warning. First of all, I truly believe you can't make someone else happy. Happiness comes from with in.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not unhappy. I just lack an over-all sense of well being and satisfaction. I accept that I am like this. It surely steams from my childhood. As I've mentioned, my father was an abusive alcoholic. I spent most of my developing years being severely criticized.  My inner child is very broken. She doesn't believe she can do anything right. Nothing she does, says, or has will ever be good enough. That will always linger. Also, not to be forgotten is all the serotonin  destroying activities I participated in back in the day. I like to think of serotonin as the brain's happy bubbles. Drugs cause huge expansion in those bubbles. Then they pop, for good.  Today, I am pretty well balanced, self-aware, and much more confident. A few years ago, I began practicing Buddhism, which has brought me some peace. My children bring me stress, joy, pain, love, wonder, and every other emotion there is. My husband is wonderful. He is affectionate, supportive, complimentary, hard-working, and a great dad. I find fault in him more often than I should. It is my nature. In San Diego, I struggled, dissatisfied often. It was within the last year there that I felt the closest to happy I'd ever been.  I'd found a deep true friendship. Finances were great. Good social life. The children were happy and engaged. Although, hubby was a bit stressed, overall...things were good. It brings to mind the quote "One must be willing to give up the good to achieve great".  I strive for great. I long for great. It's the journey there, that is a bit challenging.

Take my advice...I don't use it anymore!

I recently read a blog about the top mistakes parents are making these days. I'd like to offer my take on the matter. I am by no means an expert in the subject, but I feel having 5 kids qualifies me as well versed.

#1- Parents should not spoil their children. Spoiled children are brats and nobody wants to be around them. So keep the over indulgence to a minimum. Unless you are at the store and you really need your kid to shut the hell up for a few minutes...then, get them a toy or a lollipop. That's a no-brainer. Actually, it also may be acceptable to buy them an item if it's "really freakin' cute" or if you just got paid.

#2- Quit codling your children. Please? My children have to grow up and share this planet with yours. Do we really want to raise a bunch of wimpy wimps? At my 4 year old son's basketball class, one mom was actually holding her son the entire time. He was clutching her neck like his life depended on it, crying continuously. She ran up and down the court with him. Desperately tried to get him to engage in ball handling skills by physically moving his arms for him. I may have even heard her beg him to try. I'm sorry...you wouldn't catch me doing that....um....no.. either get it together, do it, or we are leaving. Unless he was really sensitive. If he is really sensitive I may hold him... a little. I also feel it is inappropriate to beg or bribe our children. Unless of course we are desperate, embarrassed, overwhelmed or exhausted. Which is so rare....right?

#3- Be a parent-not a friend! Our children need discipline. They need us to lead by example. There will be times when they don't like us-ALOT! We will do what we have to, to keep them safe, to teach them, and to turn them into productive functioning adults. There is an exception to this rule; if you are feeling lonely or sick-be friends. Also, it maybe acceptable if you want to bond. Perhaps, go to a concert together. Just be sure to turn it into a life lesson. Drugs are bad, Don't Dress like a hooker, Don't take advantage of drunk girls, Don't be the drunk girl, etc...etc. Children need good parents not cool ones. All rules are null and void if you have a teenager.  Be the cool one!  Get them a tattoo or a piercing.Wait! What? Never!!! Unless....

#4-  Don't compare yourself to other parents. Chances are you will feel inadequate.  I do the best I can everyday. I have learned that everybody's best looks very different and varies from day to day. I have no reason to compare myself to Suzy Homemaker. Her fabulous Facebook posts. The accomplished pinterst crafts.  Clean children in matching outfits. Give me a break. Most days I'm just proud we all survived.  On the other hand,  if you come across an obviously BAD parent, feel free to compare...we all need a little pick me up once in awhile.

#5-Your children are far from perfect. So many parents today think they have little angels. Parents are so quick to come to their children's defense and are completely unwilling to be objective. Hello....your kid can be quite an A-hole. We can't fix what we won't acknowledge. My oldest son is a total brat. Want to know why? His mother spoils and coddles him. Idiot! Doesn't she realize the monster she is creating? He is so sensitive, he's undoubtedly going to be all screwed up. It is important to identify and work on our children's faults. Although my children are pretty damn close to perfect.

The point of this blog is too encourage compassion among parents. It is so easy to sit from afar and judge others faults or even their accomplishments. Suzy Homemaker may appear to have it all together but behind closed doors a whole different truth may be unfolding. The mother bribing her daughter at the grocery store may be going through a divorce. The father trying to be a friend may have just lost his job or worse, found out he has cancer. There is no window to the pain people are in. Life is hard. There is no instruction manual when it comes to parenting. We all struggle. We all have wins and losses. Who am I to say what is right for another? My house is as glass as yours. All I know is that my children are my reason for breathing. I make every single decision based on their well being. Am I perfect? No! Are you? No! We are in this together. We are raising the future. Let's focus on the love we see between parents and their children. Lets lift each other up in our insecurity. Let's embrace the fact we have choices and support each other in them. I am doing the very best I can. I swear it!! I know you are too! Bless you mommy and daddy for trying so hard. It is enough. 

Lessons in being a cowgirl!

The schedule has served us well this week. We accomplished a lot in homeschool. We were able to squeeze in some fun. My oldest daughter turned 12. This is the first year without a party. I don't feel the like the over indulgence of big parties really does our children any good. That being said, I sure missed throwing one. She ended up having her P.E. class the same day so she brought cookies. After, we went to the movies with one of her P.E. friends. We saw "In to the Woods". I hadn't realized it was a musical, I wanted to gouge my eyes out but luckily, I was alone in that opinion. Then out for pizza and home for gifts and cake. She said it was one of her best birthdays. It was a pleasant simple celebration. On Wednesday, the middles went with daddy to see Big Hero. They loved it.  That morning, we fed the animals and discovered Midnight had been chewed on a bit. Midnight is the baby black goat we got with Grunt the pig. His tail and ear were bleeding. We cleaned him up and put him in with the chickens to recuperate. It seems the puppies are using him as a chew toy. In reading about guardian puppies, it can be common but since their job is to protect the livestock...It's a big no-no. Tomorrow we are going to take them to my parents house to spend a few days with their guardian dogs. Hopefully, they will get a quick act right lesson. I'm afraid we have been too friendly with the girls. We want them to be slightly aggressive, but they are more spastic and floppy. Hopefully, it's just their age. Yesterday, my oldest worked for over 3 hours with her horse. An older cowboy gentleman from next door is teaching her a few things. It was pretty darn cool to watch. I'm hoping a few things will rub off on me...I've always wanted to be a cowgirl.

Is it strengh?

I am trying to look on the bright side....to stay positive. There are so many things about moving here that I love. On the other hand there is a lot, I've yet to become a fan of. Ive been told how strong I am  or brave. I usually shrug it off without giving it much consideration. I'm in a foul mood this morning. My brain is in over drive. Maybe I am a lot stronger than I give myself credit for. This whole process is uncomfortable. It's not predictable or safe. I've given that up. Does that make me strong? At this point, It makes me feel crazy. I long for comfort....safety...answers. In this last week, my family got health insurance. Hallelujah! I am telling you, I didn't even allow myself to think about how freakin scary it was not to have it. It became a running joke in the house. "Please, don't do that, we don't have health ins." Now, that we have it, I am overwhelmed with relief. Thank all things good and powerful that nothing happened to my children in that time of transition. Another emotion I am having it out with is guilt. It sits in my chest like a brick. In San Diego, My children were in a language immersion program. If we had remained there, the possibility of raising 5 little bi-lingual munchkins was real. Here=not so much. In fact the possibility of them getting any kind of fabulous education here seems to be one Id have to pay for.  I could hire a Spanish tutor. They could enroll in private school. It's too bad this 3.5 areas of trees didn't come with one of the money variety. I hate to use my blog as some type of therapy but often it feels like my only outlet. I can't complain to my mother about how annoying I find it to have my husband home ALL the time. I can't complain to my husband about how intolerable I find the constant input and judgment of my parents. I would then just have to listen to them bitch. I can't cope with that either. I desperately miss my San Diego independence....my competence..my accomplishments...my confidence in my parenting...the security. While talking with my husband yesterday, he said it sounded like I wanted to throw in the towel. I do not. I will not. It's not an option....maybe I am strong....or maybe I'm just stuck.

A little structure goes a long way

This has been a rather pleasant week. We have implemented a strict schedule for homeschool. My husband and I have been taking turns instructing the little boys and the older girls. Our new schedule is boldly displayed, where all can see. We created an awesome preschool curriculum. It's fun for all of us and I'm super proud. The kids have embraced the structure. The animals are being cared for with much more regularity. Chores and school work are completed with so much time to spare in the day. It's awesome! I would say the very BEST thing about this move has been the strong bond it has created in our family. We talk so much more. The children get along so much better. They play constantly. This bond will last a life time. The rush has been taken out of our everyday life. It allows us to enjoy each other so much more. I spent a long time in the kitchen yesterday.  I have the time to make things from scratch. I take the time to let them help. We are eating damn well here. Fresh, colorful, nutritious food. The adjustment for all of us has been huge. There are give and takes. Last week I was dwelling on the negative but this week, I'm feeling more positive. The puppies are getting much bigger. They are incredibly smart. However, they will not be adequate guard dogs for at least a year. We have discovered this may be an issue. Its seems a homeless camp has been established about an acre over. Some less than desirable neighbors have decided to squat in the forest too close for comfort. Without much of a police force, matters will have to be taken into our own hands. This week we are setting up a security camera and filing a complaint with the county. It has come quickly to our attention that it is time I learn how to handle a gun. My husband has started looking for part-time work. I may be alone here with the children more often again soon. It has also come to our attention, a mountain lion is in the area. It is time for this county Mama to become a routin tootin shootin cowgirl. YEE-HA!!!

Dicipline

My mind has been racing lately...way too much to think about. Our Christmas was very pleasant. It was wonderful to have so much room to celebrate. Even better was the fact we didn't have to pack up  right after to head home. We are home. New Years eve was also very nice. The hubby and I went out to dinner and a movie. Simple. Relaxing. I don't have the energy to party too hard anymore, even if we had wanted to, where would we go? On our drive home we saw an entire house in flames right next to the freeway. Luckily, firefighters had arrived, because out here that's half the battle. It was amazing and so scary. I have never seen anything like it. New Year's Day was spent in much discussion and contemplation. How can we make it better here? I don't worry I've made the wrong decision. I stand by this move. It may be a bit boring here now but in the long term this is exactly where I want to raise my family. I have no faith in society. I dread what the world will look like in 20 years. The best thing I can do for my children is give them a safe place. No matter what happens in the outside world, here we will have food, shelter, protection, and a sustainable way of life. I have had an interesting revelation. Structure and discipline are forced on us in suburban society. School is scheduled. Work is scheduled. Out here, time is rather abstract. Homeschooling can be done when we feel like it. Chores and errands too. Aside from a few scheduled activities, we can pretty much do what we want when we want. It is a blessing and a curse. When you don't "have to" get up everyday at a certain time...it's harder to make yourself.  When no deadline exsists, its hard to push to get things accomplished. Now, on one hand I lavish the lack of stress. On the other,  we are going to have to dig deep for some self discipline. That's the new plan. We need to create more structure. We need to be disciplined enough to carry out daily accomplishments without much outside pressure. Look out 2015...here we come!!!!