Happiness is hard to find.

Back before we were married, my husband and I had a long talk about our dreams and goals. I should say my dreams, which included lots of children and becoming a farmer, because he didn't have many. He said his main goal was to make me happy. I immediately warned him that it was going to be nearly impossible. I am not a happy person. Happiness has never come easy to me. He should probably focus on something else or end up feeling very dissatisfied. As the years have passed, I have learned he was in a starting over phase then more then a goal setting phase. He has learned how right I was in my warning. First of all, I truly believe you can't make someone else happy. Happiness comes from with in.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not unhappy. I just lack an over-all sense of well being and satisfaction. I accept that I am like this. It surely steams from my childhood. As I've mentioned, my father was an abusive alcoholic. I spent most of my developing years being severely criticized.  My inner child is very broken. She doesn't believe she can do anything right. Nothing she does, says, or has will ever be good enough. That will always linger. Also, not to be forgotten is all the serotonin  destroying activities I participated in back in the day. I like to think of serotonin as the brain's happy bubbles. Drugs cause huge expansion in those bubbles. Then they pop, for good.  Today, I am pretty well balanced, self-aware, and much more confident. A few years ago, I began practicing Buddhism, which has brought me some peace. My children bring me stress, joy, pain, love, wonder, and every other emotion there is. My husband is wonderful. He is affectionate, supportive, complimentary, hard-working, and a great dad. I find fault in him more often than I should. It is my nature. In San Diego, I struggled, dissatisfied often. It was within the last year there that I felt the closest to happy I'd ever been.  I'd found a deep true friendship. Finances were great. Good social life. The children were happy and engaged. Although, hubby was a bit stressed, overall...things were good. It brings to mind the quote "One must be willing to give up the good to achieve great".  I strive for great. I long for great. It's the journey there, that is a bit challenging.