Is it strengh?

I am trying to look on the bright side....to stay positive. There are so many things about moving here that I love. On the other hand there is a lot, I've yet to become a fan of. Ive been told how strong I am  or brave. I usually shrug it off without giving it much consideration. I'm in a foul mood this morning. My brain is in over drive. Maybe I am a lot stronger than I give myself credit for. This whole process is uncomfortable. It's not predictable or safe. I've given that up. Does that make me strong? At this point, It makes me feel crazy. I long for comfort....safety...answers. In this last week, my family got health insurance. Hallelujah! I am telling you, I didn't even allow myself to think about how freakin scary it was not to have it. It became a running joke in the house. "Please, don't do that, we don't have health ins." Now, that we have it, I am overwhelmed with relief. Thank all things good and powerful that nothing happened to my children in that time of transition. Another emotion I am having it out with is guilt. It sits in my chest like a brick. In San Diego, My children were in a language immersion program. If we had remained there, the possibility of raising 5 little bi-lingual munchkins was real. Here=not so much. In fact the possibility of them getting any kind of fabulous education here seems to be one Id have to pay for.  I could hire a Spanish tutor. They could enroll in private school. It's too bad this 3.5 areas of trees didn't come with one of the money variety. I hate to use my blog as some type of therapy but often it feels like my only outlet. I can't complain to my mother about how annoying I find it to have my husband home ALL the time. I can't complain to my husband about how intolerable I find the constant input and judgment of my parents. I would then just have to listen to them bitch. I can't cope with that either. I desperately miss my San Diego independence....my competence..my accomplishments...my confidence in my parenting...the security. While talking with my husband yesterday, he said it sounded like I wanted to throw in the towel. I do not. I will not. It's not an option....maybe I am strong....or maybe I'm just stuck.