Real Fear

I think it's safe to say I didn't experience real fear until I had children. In fact, I would say I lived in complete ignorance of fear. Our children make us vulnerable in a way I never thought possible. The thought that something could happen to one of my babies is hard to even think about. My heart goes out to anyone who has had that loss. My second child was born pre-maturely by 10weeks. I was barely 7 months pregnant when my water broke. She weighed a little over 3.5 pounds and spent 6 weeks in the NICU. She was extremely sick and fought hard to live. It was by far the worst thing I have ever gone though. I have by no means had an easy life. Struggle and pain were not new to me, however this was a whole new level of suffering. My baby struggling for her life was unbearable. I felt so powerless. Looking back, I am not overly proud of the way I handled things. I fell apart. I wish I could have been strong. I'm stronger now because of it.  Motherhood is not for wimps. You must be able to cope with the fact your heart walks on the outside of your body. Through the good and the bad, we parents will remain powerless. It's gut-wrenching to lack so much control. I put myself in danger many times in my miss-spent youth. It was my choices...my decisions. Now, I am at the mercy of these 5 beautiful mini- humans. Everything has the potential to be dangerous. I have been worrying a lot about the new dangers we will face in Oregon. They are so different than the ones we face now...well maybe not? Bears? That is a new one! I suppose the other typical hazards are faced everywhere. Kidnapping? Drowning? Thoughts like these are sickening but I cant help myself. I worry. We all do. We have an intense responsibility to keep our babies safe. Parenthood will show you a fear you couldn't have imagined but it will also push you to be more brave that you ever thought possible. If I let my fear win, my kids would never leave the house. I am brave. I am strong. Parenthood has definitely toughened me up. I set aside my fear to do what's best for them. Let them live. Let them try. Don't give up. Don't cringe. I am mighty in my motherhood.