A turning point.....a true story!

As I was packing, I came across an old journal. It has a pretty cool story in it so I thought Id share, I've always liked to write but this story stuck out, it was definitely a turning point in my life....not really in a good way either.

The sound of brakes screeching and a loud crash interrupted my nightly ritual of making dinner. My inner voice said "You have to go". Who knew that sound would begin an internal collision in me. A collision of who I had been, what I had become, and how it was all about to change. I ran out of my house just in time to see a large dark figure land in the street. At first, I thought it was a baby carriage. My head cleared, I continued running closer, I could make out a man laying in the road. His motorcycle down 30ft behind him. He was badly injured. His limbs lay in abstract directions, surrounded by blood. A large piece of  plastic had punctured his helmet, appearing to be imbedded in his head. I knelt next to the man and said "I'm an H.H.P and I'm here to help." Now, having just graduated from school, I could officially attach the label; Holistic Health Practitioner to my name. A man of the other side of his body immediately lashed out at me. "I know what you are. You get the fuck outta here." Completely taken a back by his accusing tone, I backed up for a moment. The cruel bystander began fumbling around, grasping at the injured mans arm. The bone was obviously protruding, as he grabbed it he would ask, "Can you feel this?" Worried, I stepped closer, kneeling next to the wounded man. "What's your name?" I asked. He was conscious but very confused. "Peter" he replied. "Peter, my name is Holly. You have been in an accident. You are ok. You just need to stay still." I comforted.  The angry man, still on the other side of Peter, barked at me. "Get away from him you Bitch, I know what you are. I know what you do...I know you." Peter was suffering, in a whisper he pleaded, "Please, Stop Fighting!" Again, I backed off, trying to maintain some sort of peace to a darkening situation. The aggressive man began ranting about how he was a medic in the military. He began to attack Peter with a spew of questions. "Do you know where you are?" Do you know what day it is?" Do you know what happened?" Peter's eyes rolled back in his head. His head began turning slowly back and forth as he moaned..." I don't know" and started to cry. I could see panic spread over his face. At this point, Mr. Ex-military began to remove his helmet, which as I mentioned had been pierced. I lunged forward and growled "Do not touch him."  I knew if he moved that helmet anymore, he could kill Peter. Mr. Ex-military swung his arm at me yelling "Get out of here Bitch." Just in time, the ambulance arrived. As they put Peter on to the gurney, I went into a daze. It was as if I was watching him in an old silent movie. Time moved so slowly. They lifted him into the ambulance, people surrounded me. They all began speaking at once. "That guy was an asshole... You did the right thing....Are you ok?" I could hear them but it seemed so far away. At that moment, the EMT's had cut Peters shirt open. The most heavenly light came pouring out of the material as it separated. Glorious bright white light shot out of Peter's chest. In that one second, it was all I could see, all I could hear. Shinning like a thousand diamonds, ringing with the sweet sound of bells laid a very simple silver cross on Peter's chest. In that split second, I experienced something that is indescribable with words. It was mind-blowing, then it was gone. The ambulance doors closed. My ears flooded with the voices of the people around me. In the blink of an eye, time jumped back to it's normal pace. However, I would never be the same. I walked away for the accident scene...fuzzy...being bombarded with comments and questions. I mumbled "Did you see that cross?" Dazed and confused I made it back to my duplex. I felt delirious and overwhelmed.  When inside, I broke down sobbing. My boyfriend at the time asked in a condescending tone "Why do you do stuff like that if your just gonna cry?" I looked at him, I saw the truth. He didn't really know me. He didn't understand. In that moment, I knew our relationship was over. I had become a healer. After a year of intensive self-realization, meditation, schooling, self healing and repair, I had become a healer. Now, here was my first experience outside of the peaceful walls of school. It was the first time I had attached the initials H.H.P to my name. My boyfriend put me down. Even worse, the world criticized me. That angry ex-military having a flashback jerk passed judgment on me. Now, you would think this is the part of the story where I have an epiphany. No, I'm writing this 5 years later. At that time, I became filled with self doubt and loneliness. My relationship was over. The relationship I had isolated myself in for way too long ended. I had no friends. In addition I was filled with fear. Fear of my intuition. Fear of my ability. Afraid and full of grief, I turned to my old buddy; drugs. This time it was different. It wasn't fun. It was an all out consumption of my soul. I remained a healer but destroyed myself.

So...that's it...it has notes for more but that's all that was written in story form. Incident happened about 14 years ago. Obviously, I have rebuilt from said destruction.

Putting one foot in front of the other

At this point stress is crushing down on me like a ton of bricks. When I think about all that needs to be done, I want to curl up crying in the fetal position. I believe I am very good at handling 5 children. At times or almost all the time, that's all I can handle. It has been hard to have so much more to accomplish on a daily basis than just them. I am in awe of people with out kids. I often wonder what my time would be spent doing if I wasn't feeding, changing, chasing, raising these 5 children. 24 hours a day. 7 days of the week. Before kids it was mostly self-destruction. Truth be told, I take it as a blessing. These kids keep me honest....keep me on the straight and narrow. That being said, I would give anything for a 24hour break. I'm completely maxed. This journey is so overwhelming. The path in front of me is so scary. Today, I'm doing my best to stay in the moment. Stay calm. Focus on the here and now. ...just putting one foot in front of the other. One step at a time, we are gonna make it!

Some real honesty for ya...

Short and sweet. Stress and I are not friends. I have limited coping skills for stress. The last few days have been ugly. Shits about to get real. If I'm speaking to my kids, I'm probably yelling. I have absolutely lost all patience. It's gone. Totally gone. I have no idea where to find more. I yanked my daughters shirt off her head yesterday because I had told her to take it off 3 times. I burst into tears 3 times yesterday. My husband and are arguing constantly. He is driving me crazy. In case he ever reads this, which you may have guessed, he does not, I will spare you the embarrassing details. However, yesterday he spent 45 minutes talking about sex, all the while all I wanted to do was stab him in the neck. We have so much work to do. The house was supposed to go on the market tomorrow. Well, that's not gonna happen. Gotta go! If he catches me writing this, they'll be another fight....but I had to vent. I want to SCREAM!!!! One more thing, I hate painting!

What its really like to have all these kids...

It's digging through the trash can at 8:30pm looking for Iron Man's head. (Thinking we'd never see the body again, I threw it there this morning, Well, guess who showed up?)

It's using #4s shorts as a baby wipe.

It's never getting a good night sleep. NEVER. ever!

It's forgetting to brush my teeth.

It's remembering at the last minute to change out of my PJs before I leave the house.

It's a lot of snuggles, hugs, and kisses

It's cooking dinner in a hot house to have not one child like it

It's sweet tiny voices and little hands holding

It's laughter, screaming, crying, running, singing, stomping, fighting, jumping,

It's loud. VERY loud!

It's counting....counting heads, counting snacks, counting socks, counting minutes, counting blessings, counting down til bedtime

It's tender moments when compassion surrounds me.

It's booger and tears.

It's fear. Fear I'll lose them. Fear they'll get hurt. Fear bigger than any fear imaginable

It's hope. Hope I'm doing ok. Hope they're ok. Hope they're happy. Hope for the future.

It's freezing the moment. Taking pictures and video. Staring at their faces trying to memorize them just as they are right now.

It's rushing and running.

It's speeding and stressing.

It's watching a lot of cartoons.

It's a lot of worry. It's anxiety. It's concern.

It's sitting down to dinner topless because you've been so busy breastfeeding you don't even notice.

It's never having enough money.

It's a lot of poop, puke and pee.

Its pride...so much pride your heart could burst.

It's late nights and early mornings.

It's forgetting and regretting.

It's trips to the emergency room.

It's beautiful and messy.

It's trying, more trying, and trying even harder.

Its being the best person you can possibly be.

It's precious and adorable.

It's mind-blowing.

It's impatience and patience.

It's waking up everyday with a purpose.

It's mini vacations alone at the grocery store.

It's the deepest sense of fulfillment.

It's struggle and accomplishment.

It's losing my temper.

It's never having enough time.

It's commitment.

It's connection.

Its happiness and pure joy

It's overwhelming.

It's so much pressure.

It's guilt, mistakes, and apologies.

It's a miracle.

It's teaching, learning, and growing together.

It's crazy, hectic and spastic.

It's realizing your child has a project, field trip, performance, or doctor's appointment at the very last minute.

It's hilarious.

It's a lot of deep breaths.

It's improvising.

It's figuring out what really matters.

It's LOVE...in the truest sense of the word.

It's everything I have ever wanted and more.

Much better today...

Yesterday, I took all 5 of my kids with me to my dentist appointment. I woke up with a headache, a sour mood completely drained of patience. Of course we had to be there early, but slept late. Rushing to get ready is by far my least favorite thing to do with children. Yet I do it pretty often. Almost everyday!  I feel like a broken record. "Please feed the dog." " Hey, Did u feed the dog?" "The dog ...can u feed the dog?" (DEEP BREATH)! "I am not gonna remember to remind you again...can u please do it now..so he doesn't starve all day?" My #2 gets distracted very easily. I will ask her to put on shoes, then find her in her room reading. I will ask her to brush her teeth, instead finding her in the backyard. We often joke that she is not from this planet. Doesn't matter how early she starts...she is always the last to be ready. My #1 is usually second in command. My mommy guilt often nags that I'm too hard on her. I ask her to do too much. Truth is, I do. She rises to the occasion. I reward her as often as I can. The boys are 4, 2 , and 10mo. Getting them ready requires a lot more hands on work. They run. I chase. They won't. I bribe. Sometimes, I beg. Most often, I repeat, repeat, repeat until I yell. It feels to me in our hectic dashes to get ready, I speak constantly. A consistent verbal stream of instructions pours out of my mouth non-stop until we reach the car. Its exhausting!
We made it to the dentist. It took 2+ hours, all the while my 5 minions waited in the bathroom sized waiting room. I only had to ask for 2 breaks to threaten  their lives. Many people complimented me on how well behaved they were. I was proud. My mood improved greatly.
Instead of returning to our empty, hot, depressing home. We went to the family fun center. Epic genius parenting move. Although I am prone to sarcasm, I am being quite serious. We had a great time. The air-conditioning was wonderful. There were no half-packed boxes glaring at me. The kids had fun. There was no fighting, no crying, no whining.....from me or the kids. Sometimes, when all I wanna do is crawl in a hole, the best thing to do is get the heck out of the house. It was the perfect break from Moving Madness 2014. It was exactly what we needed.
 I spent this morning appeasing mother guilt by working overtime. She is never happy....kept complaining I hadn't gotten enough done yesterday. It's all about balance. Right? Balance is a bitch!

Moving is no fun!!!

Emotions are running hot. So is the temperature. The kids are bored. I'm running out of time to get way too many things done. These last few days have been a bit stressful. Its time like these that I imagine homeschooling being a total nightmare. Sometimes, I need my kids to go away. That is not much of a reality in our Southern California life. The village I long for is pretty non-existent here. I have learned to accept it. It is what it is. Don't get me wrong there is a handful of wonderful people in our lives. I know I can turn to anyone of them if need be. However, it seems most have good intentions but lack in available time. Myself included. Life here is fast. It's busy. The reality is if a relationship matters to you, you will make time for it.  It almost feels like we have already moved. To some people we are already gone. We have slipped from our spot on their to-do list. We are leaving soon, it may be easier to let the distance begin to grow now. I understand. In a way, I feel the same way. Our life in San Diego can be very lonely. I am reminded as to another reason why we are moving. In the big picture, I believe it is what's best for my family. In the here and now....it's sad, overwhelming and NO FUN!

From here to there and in between

About 4 years ago, my parents moved from the neighborhood I live in now to Selma, Oregon. They bought a beautiful home on 10 acres. They started raising goats and gardening. As a family it was always our intention to build some type of commune in Oregon together. We all wanted to build a sustainable life. Of course, life has its way of changing made plans. Circumstances have taken us in different directions. It has always been our intention to eventually make it to Oregon. Through some self recognition., I realized sharing a property with my not always functioning parents and sister may not be the best idea. However, we knew we wanted to move, we all want to be close. Last year an incredible property near my parents went up for sale. During my pregnancy with #5, I took a flight up to Portland with the intention of a quick trip down to see this property. That road trip was beyond adventurous....more like dangerous. This isn't overly relevant but its kinda funny. I had a 5 hour drive with #1 who I had brought along for the trip. We woke up early, I took 2 Tylenol and got ready to head out. During that pregnancy my head hurt all the time. Before I even started I  needed a cat nap. After a brief rest we hit the road. Well, during that 5 hour road trip I ended up drinking 2 cups of coffee, a 5 hour energy drink, and taking 2 more cat naps. I chalked my exhaustion up to being pregnant. Now, I realize those substances are not ideal for pregnant woman but I couldn't keep my eyes open. I had an appointment with the real estate agent at 3 o'clock, which was approaching quickly. Well, it ended up I had accidently taken Tylenol PM that morning. The clearance sticker covered a good part of the label. Genius, I know! Anyway, I digress. I arrived at the property at 3pm, zombiefied. It truly was amazing. The list price was $220,000. In California this home would easily sell for $750,000. Through heartache, stress and a miracle we were able to buy the house. It is a 3,300 sq ft, 7 bedroom, 2 bath, home on almost 4 acres. There is a workshop. It has a huge fenced garden area, already home to apple trees, cherry trees, strawberry patches, and lots of grape arbors. This is a move we had been talking about making for 4 years. An opportunity presented itself that we could not pass up. So, the process began. It was not feasible to make the move at that time. The kids needed to finish out school. I had to have the baby. Our home in Oregon has been rented out until now. On August 15th  it becomes avail to us. Our current home is empty, minus a few essentials. It is freshly painted, clean, and set to go on the market next week. My children are enrolled in homeschool in Oregon. Their materials and supplies will be arriving at our new home soon.
We currently live in a pretty suburban neighborhood. There is plenty of shopping near by, school is down the street, and my husbands job is 20 minutes away. Our current home is 960 sq. ft. with one bathroom. Yes, all 7 of us share 1 bathroom. Things are about to change. Change.. in an everything is going to be totally different kinda way. We will live 20/30 miles away from town. We are giving up convenience. We will work harder. The hope is to connect to life, connect to food, and most importantly connect to each other. I read a great blog today about missing the village Ive never had. Through this move, We will find our village. We will build our village! We are chasing dreams. Hope you enjoy following our journey!

The list is endless....

The amount of things that need to be taken care of right now is overwhelming. Every time we try to make progress its like washing a car in a storm. Yesterday, #3 had explosive diarrhea...all over the bathroom floor. Then, to make it even more awesome, he got some on his hands. He grabbed the cabinet, the door, and the wall. I just noticed the wall this morning. Geez, I thought I had gotten it all. The day before #4 got a hold of a marker and drew all over the wall(again). I've mentioned we are in the middle of painting. I explained to him that I would let him live this time because it is a wall we have not painted yet. If he makes the same mistake again he will not be so lucky. He's 2 so I think we are on the same page now. On top of the daily necessary chores, such as feeding the monsters, there is so much more to do. The house is set to go on the market in 8 days. At this pace, we are looking at more like 45. We get one thing done, three more pop up. The kids have the nerve to have pooping issues, hunger problems, fights, lots of fights, boredom, needs, and more needs. I am trying to get shit done. I have to pack. I have to paint. This is an enormous amount of work. The to-do list is endless!

Another amazing story of survival.

I think we all have days in parenthood where our biggest accomplishment is that all the kids managed to survive. I am constantly amazed at my army of oblivious little minions. They walk next to be completely unaware of the danger lurking in every corner. They cross the street staring at the ground. Can u imagine crossing the street with your head down the entire time? They walk right into large bodies of water completely unaware of how to swim. Kids touch everything, live wires, used needles, bodily fluids, outlets, strange dogs, actually any strange animal. They trust strangers. They walk off anywhere...with anyone. Think about it, it is an accomplishment that at the end of everyday, we kept them alive and safe.
Well, today we had a very close call. Not the first and for sure not the last. Our family headed to a big parade in the downtown area. It is extremely crowded. Trying to finagle the wagon off the curb at every stoplight is a feat in itself. Our family has a rule that we all hold hands when we cross the street. We are pretty diligent about it. Well we had just crossed a very busy intersection and made our way down the block. When we approached the next spot to cross, we all joined hands. Wait...1...3.. 4..5. Where is number 2? Where in the hell is number 2? We frantically looked around but she was gone. Quickly it began to occur to me how very bad this could be. There were so many people...everywhere. I told my oldest to run back to the last intersection we crossed.  She was free and ready to go. As she took off, I flung #5 out of his baby carrier. Handed him off to my husband and took off running right behind my oldest. When I approached the light, I saw #2 right away. There she was, at the head of the crowd on the other side of the street. We anxiously waited for the walk light to appear. I'm holding my hand out so she knows to wait. When it was our turn we ran to each other, hugging in the street. Apparently she had decided to sit in the shade at that intersection while we waited to cross. We didn't notice in the wall of people, we had crossed minus one little hand. In a split second everything could have changed. We are home safe now. Happy we managed to avoid disaster and survive another day.

It's Time! (After 4 glasses of wine)

It's about time we start accepting each other as is. The good, the bad and the ugly. There should be no expectations of what could be. The acceptance of a hidden better person. There should be no looking deeper. We need to take each other at face value. If it looks like a duck...blah blah blah.   Lets be real. Real is as real does. I find myself seeing the best in people...even if it's not there. I believe people are good and kind. I make excuses for inexcusable behavior. I play devils advocate trying to see the other side. Fact is, some people are F'd up. They aren't kind. They do not have the best intentions. I don't get it. I don't understand it. Why would anyone want to hurt another human being. Truth is, some do. They don't care about others feelings.  I don't work that way, it is hard for me to grasp. I have had a few instances in my life where people have deliberately went out of their way to cause me pain. What a waste of time and effort...but it happens. At points,  I am so flabbergasted by peoples behavior. It just doesn't fit into my realm of reality.
Here is  what I've come up with. There are cruel people. Sad people. People that want others to hurt like they do. Evil behavior is incomprehensible. I wish these evil doers had labels or tattoos on their foreheads. It can be so confusing trying to dissever the good from the bad. I genuinely believe that people have the best intentions. When, I come across one that doesn't, its mind-blowing. Scary reality, It exists. Evil Exists.  I have come across true cruelty. I have made every excuse for evil behavior but its time that I accept. Its out there. It's real. All we can do as individuals is do the best we can. Be the best we can. Protect ourselves and each other. For as much evil that exists..there is all the more good. I see it in little old ladies getting helped across the street. I see good in strangers helping a homeless person. I see it in nature and at Starbucks. It is everywhere. Good is everywhere. It is beautiful. It is prevalent. It shall overcome. May we all focus on the positive so that evil never wins. Evil never steals a moment form us. May it hide in the corners and wait, never given a chance to prevail. I will stay vigilant in the light. In happiness. In positivity. I believe in love, kindness, goodness and happiness. I raise my middle finger to you. You negative A- hole. I see you. Yet, I will choose to look the other way.

I need to find a new business.

I am in  the people pleasing business. Business sucks. I don't want to do it. I try not to do it. In the end, I do it anyway. How can I make you happy? When what I really want to do is stab you in the freakin eye with a dull spoon. The funny thing is...I'm a pretty outspoken person, opinionated, and blunt. I usually say what's on my mind. On the other hand somebody..anybody can make a small remark ..and the damage is done. I now am fully aware of their desire..no matter what..it's gonna get to me. The seed has been planted. Now, it may come to pass I don't grant the wish but trust and believe every way possible I could, will run through my mind. Arg! Give it a rest already. Most people aren't looking for me to make them happy...fix it..or make it better. If said people are not happy..there is nothing I can do to change that. Why do I try? I'm a people pleaser. I'm a fixer. I'm co-dependent. I enable.
Well. I have had it. I declare an early on set of the "Fuck It" 40's. Seriously, you don't like me? Well that's too damn bad. I'm rad and your missing out. I don't need your approval or acceptance.
Reality check... I want everybody to like me. I think in a way we all crave acceptance. It is a long hard habit that will be tough to break. I am so envious of my husband, He seems to have this amazing ability to really not give a shit. I can act like I don't.. but I do. I care way too much. Why should it matter what other people think of me? This people pleasing business is for suckers. I need to find a new business.

Percieve Happiness-Achieve Happiness

Life is not without its sad moments. Things can be very overwhelming and stressful. Some people  focus on the negative. Others are happy in spite of the negative. Fact is, the negative exists, its how we handle it that  determines our happy level.  I used to be quite the complainer. Things were never good enough. Life is hard. I recently realized that I don't do that so much anymore. Not much has changed...if anything, gotten harder. I take that back, one thing has changed, my perception. I have come to a place of acceptance. My kids are needy, loud energy sucking vampires. It was a never ending topic to whine about. " I'm tired". "I'm lonely". I'm underappreciated". YEP! YEP! YEP! All true. I'm not really sure how it happened. When did I realize it isn't so bad? This is my life, that's how kids are, and bitching about it wasn't getting me anywhere. I accept that they drive me crazy. I accept that they go, go , go  the minute I wake up in the morning. I accept that the destroy clean rooms. They pour juice on freshly mopped floors. They poop in clean diapers...that I just changed 3 seconds ago. It is what it is and ITS OK! In the last year I have become a much happier person. My perception has changed. The kids still write on the walls and pee on the floor. We have a convo, clean it up and move on. I used to have this constant dread facing the never-ending tasks the kids would create for me. One after another. Especially if I just sat down or better yet...got on the phone. I have had people comment on how easy-going I am, I usually joke back that Im just broken and burnt. The kids have beaten me down with relentless shenanigans. But, wait...perhaps, it's true?  Could I be more easy-going? WOW! Now, that's a wonderful self-improvement these children have forced me in to. I'll take it. I have learned to not sweat the small stuff. In the past not only did I sweat it, I marinated in it, soaked in it....and obsessed over it. Not any more, partially cuz I don't have time and partially because I needed to avoid ending up in a straight jacket. Thank goodness for growth. I have to say its about the only thing I like about getting older....

What are you worth?

 I know two woman in my life right now that underestimate how awesome they are in a devastating way. Perhaps, when they read this, they will know who they are. They are beautiful and kind. They both have amazing generous hearts. Anyone is blessed to know them or have them in their lives. Unfortunately, they don't agree with me. They have low self esteem. They let people treat them poorly...especially men. Many of you probably know someone like this....maybe you are like this. I know because I was like this.  In each of my past relationships the horrible treatment escalated. In each relationship I would sink into liking myself less and less. My dad was the first to start this trend. I didn't feel good about myself. I didn't like myself. The men I choose needed to share that opioin. I needed men that didn't like themselves or me. Men that would treat me exactly how I felt. Like shit.  I can remember a pinnacle moment with a former boyfriend. We were arguing, I was driving, or had been. He jumped out of the car, came around to the drivers side to pull me out of the car. When I lifted my head, his foot came down right on the bridge of my nose.  He held the car roof with one hand, the door with the other, lifted up and brought his foot down on my face like a teenager smashing a Halloween pumpkin. After, we went into our friends house, blood dripping down my face like nothing happened. I continued on in that relationship for quite awile after that. He treated me just the way I felt I deserved. Make no mistake, we had good times, he could be sweet. Overall, he was broken. I was broken. We were broken.
It was through motherhood that I decided to  demanded better for myself. It was for my daughter. She deserved better. I didn't but she did. When, I met my husband, he seemed to see something in me that I didn't. He really liked me. He was a good man. I didn't get it. I didn't agree with him. However,I decided to let him love me. He loved me until I learned to love myself. Through his eyes, I saw my value. We have been together many years now. He has patched, mended, glued, and loved my self-esteem to a place that runs with the best of them. I joke with him that he's lucky he met me then cuz he couldn't have a chance now. lol. This blog goes out to every woman that doesn't yet know how awesome she really is. My advice is to let someone love you until you can do it yourself. You are amazing. I see it. Your children see it. Others see it....but you don't. Let someone show you. Fake it til you make it Girlfriend. I did.

Yell it out!!!!

There is something to be said for a good scream.  Walk to the top of a mountain or into the woods and just let out a big yell. It's therapeutic. It's a release. My husband and I got into it this morning, afterwards he said, "It felt good to yell." I tend to avoid conflict. I didn't always, its an improvement based on my desire to not scar my children. I don't want them to hear, see, or feel the tension of big arguments. So of course, my husband and I NEVER argue in front of them. HA! Yeah Right! A true statement would be, I do my very best to not call him an asshole in front of them. For the most part, I mastered control over my temper to that extent. He returns the sentiment. No name calling. I gave some thought to his comment "that felt good". I believe he may be right. (Don't tell him I said that). Sometimes tension and stress can build like a big zit or a volcano. Its better to let off steam....get some of the aggression out, rather that wait for a huge explosion. We are stressed. The list of things that need to be taken care of these days is endless. Money is tight. The kids are bored, all we do is pack and clean. Bored kids means lots of whining....lots of bickering...lots of crying. That wonderful soundtrack mixed with cleaning, sweating, and packing can make for some real thick tension. We definitely made a dent in the tension this morning. My husband and I fight pretty fairly...letting each other yell.  We partially listen to each other. I do get so angry I want to punch him in the face, but I don't. I know he wouldn't mind beyatch slapping me but he doesn't. I think it was good for us to yell at each other a bit. It did feel good. I feel better. This moving thing is freaking stressful. Our entire argument this morning was whether to sell or just get rid of some of our crap.. Earth shattering stuff...right? The reality is that its all a bit overwhelming, we just needed a good yell.

40 Reasons why I want to move to the country

1. I want my children to be less superficial.
2. I want to be closer to my family
3. I am tired of doing everything alone.
4. The cost of living is lower.
5. I want to raise my kids with a different set of priorities. Priorities like growing our own food, taking care of the earth, family first, sustainability, animals, nature, & creativity.
6. I want to avoid consumerism and materialism
7. Im tired of competing with "The Jones".
8. I want a slower paced life
9. I want it to be ok the kids are dirty.
10. I want less judgments.
11. I want to get eggs from our own backyard.
12. I'm tired of traffic.
13. I'm tired of crowds..
14. I'm tired of how expensive everything is.
15. I want a simpler life.
16. I want my kids to be satisfied with the simpler things.
17. I want to learn to milk a goat, make cheese and soap.
18. I want to pick blackberries for hours.
19. I want to see dear run through my yard.
20. I want to experience weather.
21. I want to teach the kids to fish
22. I want to learn survival skills.
23. I want my kids to be self-sufficient.
24. I want to watch less TV
25. I want to eat out less
26. I want to be real, authentic, organic
27. I don't want to go shopping all the time.
28. I want to learn how to can/preserve.
29. I want to swim in breathtaking water holes.
30. I want the kids to catch crawdads in the creek.
31. I want the kids to have outdoor forts.
32. I want the kids to be adventurous.
33. I want us to swim in  the lake
34.  I want less government.
35. I want BBQs of our own garden vegetables.
36. I want early morning trips to the barn to see babies being born.
37. I want lots of animals
38. I want more quality time with my family.
39. I'm tired of rushing.
40. I want my husband home more.

Top 3 things you should never say to a stay at home mom

I have noticed that lists via blogs go around and get a lot of attention so I thought Id try one. Im new to blogging, also new to reading them...figured Id get some pointers. Recently, the ones I have seen shared on facebook from friends are all lists. 37 reasons....blah blah. 15 things you should avoid. Anyway, I am annoyed with my husband today. I'm sure other people will be able to relate to this. Often when he comes home from work, he gives the token hellos...engages for a brief spell and then plops down on the couch and turns on the TV. Gosh it seems so stereotypical. We both have hard full time jobs. When I say full time...I mean full freakin time...from the time we wake up until we go to bed and then random shifts in the middle of the night. I realize his job changes scenery at about 5pm but its by no means over. Time to change gears...It's daddy time! As I'm sweating like a MILF in aerobics, making a lasagna that's going to taste like heaven. In between taking out the trash and filling sippy cups. You could get off your tired old ass and do something too! Humph...I feel better! This got me thinking to a few times my hubby has really put his foot in his mouth. Hence..a list.
3 things you should never say to a stay at home mom:
My favorite by far was this
1. "Do we need to talk about our roles?"
Perhaps many of you have seen the picture of the house completely torn to hell and the quote says:
"You know all the things I do all day? Well, today, I didn't do them". I did exactly that...didn't lift a finger...I had, had it.  I wanted him to see what it was really like here all day. It is safe to say my mood was far from good that day and his "roles" question was icing on the cake. We have never discussed our "roles" again.
2. "Where's dinner?"
Well if you don't see it and you don't smell it...It's probably cuz, there isn't any. It may be in your best interest to assume I have had the kind of day that didn't facilitate me cooking...DINNER! You may wanna take your happy behind to "find dinner"! Thank you!
3. "Is this what you do all day?"
What? This? THIS... could mean anything? Cook? Clean? Serve? Help? Feed? Sooth? Calm? Referee? Call? Wash? Wipe? Pay? Sit? Wait? Bath? Fold? Change? Comfort? Yell? Hug? Scold? Run? Drive? Fix? Love? Watch? Play? Pretend? Reassure? Carry? Solve? Build? Read? Brush? Vacuum? Make? Bake? Dress? Buy? Find? Scrub? Dust? Go? Organize? Guide? Order? Sweep? Hold? Fill? Repeat? There is no one "THIS" that I do all day!

and that's my first attempt at A LIST!

Real Fear

I think it's safe to say I didn't experience real fear until I had children. In fact, I would say I lived in complete ignorance of fear. Our children make us vulnerable in a way I never thought possible. The thought that something could happen to one of my babies is hard to even think about. My heart goes out to anyone who has had that loss. My second child was born pre-maturely by 10weeks. I was barely 7 months pregnant when my water broke. She weighed a little over 3.5 pounds and spent 6 weeks in the NICU. She was extremely sick and fought hard to live. It was by far the worst thing I have ever gone though. I have by no means had an easy life. Struggle and pain were not new to me, however this was a whole new level of suffering. My baby struggling for her life was unbearable. I felt so powerless. Looking back, I am not overly proud of the way I handled things. I fell apart. I wish I could have been strong. I'm stronger now because of it.  Motherhood is not for wimps. You must be able to cope with the fact your heart walks on the outside of your body. Through the good and the bad, we parents will remain powerless. It's gut-wrenching to lack so much control. I put myself in danger many times in my miss-spent youth. It was my choices...my decisions. Now, I am at the mercy of these 5 beautiful mini- humans. Everything has the potential to be dangerous. I have been worrying a lot about the new dangers we will face in Oregon. They are so different than the ones we face now...well maybe not? Bears? That is a new one! I suppose the other typical hazards are faced everywhere. Kidnapping? Drowning? Thoughts like these are sickening but I cant help myself. I worry. We all do. We have an intense responsibility to keep our babies safe. Parenthood will show you a fear you couldn't have imagined but it will also push you to be more brave that you ever thought possible. If I let my fear win, my kids would never leave the house. I am brave. I am strong. Parenthood has definitely toughened me up. I set aside my fear to do what's best for them. Let them live. Let them try. Don't give up. Don't cringe. I am mighty in my motherhood.

Too much of a good thing?

I definitely have doubts about my husband and I getting along in the middle of nowhere. The plan is for him to not work nearly as much as he does here. Obviously, meaning he will be home a lot more. In theory, it sounds wonderful, but in practice...we shall see. I miss him when he is at work now. There are times I could really use his help with the kids. He has been off for the last week, due to moving prep, Legoland, the county fair...ect. Today, will be the 12th day we have been together all day. Lets be real. I'm done. Looking forward to him going to work tomorrow. Funny thing is, I know he is too. He has completely run out of patience with the kids. Maxed! It takes an enormous amount of patience to do 5 kids everyday...all day. He needs to build up his tolerance. We do things very differently and I run this ship. He throws off the balance of things a bit. Its normally just the weekend, when we all kind of slip into daddy mode. This home all the time, homeschooling the kids, lack of have to dos and must haves, is gonna be a whole new ball game. If only he would just pipe down and get in line with the kids. Yeah right? I see a power struggle on the horizon. I'll put it on our list of things to do when we move.

On the brink

I find myself feeling pensive. I went out last night for my birthday. Actually, had a great time. A bunch of our friends met up at a local dive bar. It has karaoke and intermittent dance breaks. The perfect mix of sleeze and fun. The variety of people there range from grungy bar fly, avid karaoke bar fly,  and lonely bar fly to college kids and of course moms that get out every couple of years. Its a comphy setting to let loose a bit. The last time I attempted to go out for my birthday was two years before. I only lasted about an hour before one too many shots put me sleeping in the car. I was determined to "hang like a big dog" last night. While I did throw up in the parking lot, I did not pass out. Go me.
I feel slightly down today, on edge. Drinking was never really a fav of mine. I was uber up and happy last night but I find drinking causes a dip on my emotional rollercoaster. I looked pretty cute last night. I had gotten a special dress, cute shoes, put on make-up and did my hair. This might seem a bit overboard for a seedy bar, It is. The point is that I get so few opportunities to roll out like that, I have to take advantage. Its important to feel like more than just a mom. I'm fun. I'm interesting. Adults like me.
All in all, it was a good time. So, why do I feel so sad? Is it because, I really do love my friends that made an effort to show up. I am really going to miss them. I can take comfort in the fact many of these friends I really do only see once or twice a year. This may be a tradition I can still maintain from another state. I'll visit...right? They'll visit? 
As I hung my dress up this morning, I reflected how little use I have for cute outfits anymore. I still try to maintain some sort of style. Even get my hair done twice a year. However, I also wear things because they are comfortable...comfortable meaning I hate the pattern, but perhaps I can reach my nipple easier for breastfeeding or it hides my belly. It occurred to me that the little use I have for fashion now, will be almost non-existent in Oregon. I will miss that. As few and as far between those dress-up occasions are, they are fun. I feel torn between my suburban consciousness and my longing to be different. I like to look cute but Id like to not care. I want to be practical but consumerism is consuming. I want to be dirty, earthy, and free. I want a new Betsy Johnson purse. It's possible I'm getting caught up in a choice that may not exist. There may be places in my new country life that will call for the occasional stylish pump or manicure. I hope so. Shhhh..don't tell anyone!
 My birthday celebration was the last on the list of numerous distractions from the fact we actually are moving soon. It's time to pack. It's time to get ready to go. Good-byes are coming. It's a strange feeling to be so excited and so sad at the same time. It's a whole lot of emotion.

Not for my mom..

My husband is a little grumpy this morning. I think because he didn't get any. This blog may be a bit TMI for some people...but as I've said in the past...If you don't like it-Don't read it! If you have no desire to hear about my sex life-stop reading! I know every couple is different, just like every child develops differently. Some children walk early, some talk late. It just depends, in my opinion not much too worry about.  Parents often brag about their children's accomplishment and openly discuss delays. Seeking comfort from each other or encouragement. One thing I don't often hear other mommies discuss is their sex life. I often wonder, what's normal? My assumption is that its all normal. What ever "normal" means. Never, once a month, once a week, everyday. Although, I believe for most married with children couples, everyday is not as common. Parents are tired.  Especially if you have young kids.  Although, last week my husband and I did do "IT" every day. We get jokes all the time, when it comes to how many kids we have,  asking if we have any other hobbies. The funny thing is that when we made #4, Things were not going well between us, we hadn't touched each other in months...I know for sure it was two. It was a stressful time and finding out I was pregnant was the last thing I expected. In retrospect, baby #4 was a saving grace. Anyway, the point is...I think in relationships, the amount of sex varies depending on circumstances. We have definitely had dry spells. We are currently not in one, quite the opposite. Good to know, huh? I am fortunate to have a very attentive husband. He touches me like I'm a super model and he can't get enough of every inch. I think if it were up to him it would be everyday, all the time. I know that may not be the situation for every relationship, as it has not always been the case in past relationships for me.
The other night in the hotel room, when all the kids were crying, my hubby was mouthing dirty suggestions, over their heads. It made me wonder if my own parents were like that? I know, a gross thought, but as children we only view them as our parents, not as adults in a relationship. It amuses me that our kids are being parented, yet during that interaction, my husband and I are having our own flirtatious interaction. An interaction that my kids are completely oblivious to. Never knew mom and dad were more than mom and dad, until I became them.
When I'm feeling good about myself, sexy, close to him, and we are getting along our sex life is great. When I am stressed, grumpy, tired, or pissed at him, sex is the last thing on my mind. That being said, he is pretty much on stand-by, regardless of my mood. I'm frumpy...he's down! I'm angry, tired, happy...he's down! I love him for it. He makes me feel wanted and beautiful. If I feel wanted and beautiful...then I'm down too! We make the kind of love that you read about in romance novels. Ridiculous! I know right? I don't say I'm happily married lightly. I mean it and our sex life is a reflection of that. We do "It" a lot. We are happy! If you haven't done it in awhile-Go for it tonight! I myself hate feeling like its an obligation, but in a way it is. We do "owe" it to our partners. We deserve to feel wanted and so do they. If you just did it-Do it again! If you really, really don't feel like it- Do it anyway!  Fake it til you make it as they say! I have often noticed that we save our best selves for those outside of our homes. Kindness for the grocery store clerk. Patience for the bank teller. Forgiveness for our friends. We can be lame at home, short-tempered, and grumpy. Tonight, treat your spouse to your best self. Be kind and caring, Show them they are safe in your arms. Show them what the life you have means to you. Show each other that being together is the best place on earth. Treat each other better than anybody else does. Hold them. Love them. Then F their brains out!

A little less grateful

We are back from our mini-vacation to a local amusement park. We are all exhausted. I'm not sure amusement is the right word. How about crowded, over-priced, ungrateful kids land? Catchy? I found myself in awe of how spoiled and ungrateful the children are at these places. Mine included! Could they be any less grateful?  I was stuck in an old Chevy Chase movie, and the theme song was whining  children. I would literally be talking with one child while 3 others bugged, asked, and complained in the background. Numerous fits were thrown...melts downs had.. " I wanna go home". "I'm hungry". " I'm cold". It's never a good idea to skip nap time. Don't get me wrong, we did have a lot of fun. Although not nearly as much fun that much money should buy. Geez, don't even get me started on the overnight hotel visit. All 7 of us snuggly in a POS 2 bed room.  The kids are burnt but too damn tired to go to sleep. Can you imagine how bad that can get? Now, multiply it by 5...maybe even by 100.  What little sleep I did get was in between crawling from bed to bed, curling like a snake into any available space. Needless to say I started our second day at LEGOLAND, this morning, on a pain killer and a 5-hour energy drink! All things considered, the kids were actually very good. Our second day was much more mellow. Happy to be home. Although on the ride home I realized it wouldn't be our home for much longer.