Happy Monday to me!

Well, Its my birthday. I'm officially 36 today! We had some big plans of going to LEGOLAND, a local amusement park, but It's not gonna happen. These kids are so burnt and crispy. We need some down time. I woke up this morning actually hoping they would sleep in a bit so I could type alone. Two of them were up with in minutes of me. There is almost always immediate whining when I wake up. I just hoped for my birthday Id get a few minutes alone. Am I complaining?
 In a heated Facebook discussion, I was told recently that I complain a lot about "all these kids": and yet I keep having them. I didn't put much stock in this opinion. It comes from a person with one child with whom she struggles and complains about often. It did however, get me thinking. I have always been curious of others perceptions of things. It's not necessarily that I care about others opinions, but more that I wonder what they are. I probably do complain about my babies...I also praise them. I probably don't  talk about much else seeing as how my kids consume most of my life. I had imagined my Facebook was full of witty comments, interesting articles on factory farms, Non- Gmo propaganda, and beautiful pictures of my family, but apparently It's full of me bitching. Well, oh freakin well! Stay at home moms know, our adult  interaction can be very limited.  If I use my face book to vent..so be it...and if you don't like it: Don't read it!
I want to touch more on the idea of perception. I can be a very judgmental. I think we all can. Its something I have really been trying to work on. I have recently learned that our perception of things is sometimes so far off, it was a waste of time to even form that opinion. An example would be all those perfectly perfect mommies I thought existed. They seemed so together, so on top of it. That was my perception but was probably more my own insecurities making me think other mommies were doing so much better than I was. I have the perfect story to express how wrong perception can be.
 Last year when #2 was in kindergarten, I was preggers with #5. I tend to be a bit anti-social when pregnant. I feel like my body has been taken over by a space-alien. I worry I  will transform into this clumsy, emotional basket case right in front of people, so I stick to myself. The parking situation at my daughters school was such a pain in the tookus. It required parking in a big dirt lot and waddling my big pregnant butt onto campus, directing her, while holding my then 3 and 1 year olds sons hands. My sons would want to adorably and frustratingly stop and admire every rock, or single blade of grass. It look what seemed like forever. I would take numerous deep breaths and nod encouragingly at all their little discoveries. All the while, inwardly impatient, trying to get it over with so I could pee for the 12th time that morning. There was another mother of two daughters, one in #2s kindergarten class and another that seemed to be about one. This mother was always really kind when I'd run into her. I didn't reach out much, I was too pregnant. Towards the middle of the year she started parking right in front of the school, sometimes in the handicap spots, sometimes in the principle spot. I remember really resenting her.  I hated the drop-off and pick-up procedure. I wanted to park closer. I wanted to leave the boys in the car so my daughter could walk the 10ft to class. Who, does she think she is? What's so special about her that she has the nerve to park wherever she wants. It came to my attention towards the end of the year that her youngest daughter was very sick. That mommy had received special permission to use those spots to drop off her kindergartener. Her one year old was going through Chemo. Her sweet tiny daughter could not be exposed to all the germs of an elementary school.
 Now, the tables were turned. Who was I to judge this woman? I didn't know her circumstances. I made assumptions. Ugly assumptions. I was the jerk. Now, I have to tell you this realization changed my life. I have no idea  what is going on in other peoples lives. Unless they tell me directly, It is unfair to make harsh judgments.. I deeply treasure this life lesson. It was beyond eye opening. The best part of this story is that after I gave birth to #5, returned to my non-alien self, this mother and I became very close very fast. I would say today she is one of the best friends I have ever had in my life. I have learned so much from her. She has taught me about being truly grateful. I have learned the depth in which something deserves to be complained about. I admire her so much. I now know how wrong my perception can be. I also know how ridiculous it is to complain about life's little problems. There are real problems out there. Big ones! Ridiculous as it is, we all still do it. I cant say that Ive stopped complaining, apparently its all I do on Facebook. However, I am sure as hell a lot more grateful. I am extremely grateful to have her in my life. I am grateful, I have healthy children...healthy children that drive me crazy and yes...I complain about them. I just complain a lot less. Thank you my friend. You are an inspiration. I love the lessons you have taught me.  I hope this story touches others and teaches them a thing or two. Next time that  inner judgmental Beyatch wants to rear her presumptuous opinion. Shut her down! WE have no idea what others are going through.  WE should look with compassion. If WE must assume, lets assume with love, Let's assume the best. We are all in this together and in truth not that much different from each other. Let the mommy wars end.

A Party to Remember....

I wish I could fast forward today and just have it be over already. This is probably awful to say but I'm just keeping it real. We are throwing #3 his 4th birthday party in the backyard. As usual, I went a little pintrest crazy. I'm not really sure why I do this. Part of me loves it, I love the adorable crafty ideas. I love creative food. The lazy antisocial part of me hates it. By the time the party arrives, Im so over it, I wanna drink myself into enjoyment or take a zanax. It doesn't help that my husband hates when I get all "party crazy". He would be happy with some pizzas, juice boxes, and beer. I suppose that would be easier. I wouldn't have to work myself up into such a stress case. This will be the last kids birthday party we throw in this house. The thought makes me want to cry, or maybe I want to cry because I'm exhausted. On the deepest level, I am so grateful to be out of the party business. Once again, Im not sure what Im teaching my kids. Overindulgence is awesome, that should play out well in their collage years. Its ok to waste? Waste water! Waste food! Waste paper! It really doesn't follow the values, I try to instill on any other day. I'm sure all of you have cleaned up half drank water bottle, or even water bottles missing only one sip, after a party. Cleared plates full of food. I am grumpy this morning so my outlook is less than positive. I hope one day my sweet son will look back at picture from todays party and realize how hard mommy worked to make him happy. Who am I kidding,  he'd have to look at pictures, cuz he's freakin 4. He wont remember any of it. So who am I doing this for? Myself? Its sure not good for my relationship. You should see my husband and I on party day. What I really need from him is to do everything I say, when I say it. For some reason he has an issue with that? Can you imagine? Arg! The nerve! Truth be told, today will be wonderful. Everybody will have a great time. Like I said, I just wish it was over already!

Where's my coffee?

During the week my wonderful husband has coffee ready for me everyday. Its more that he makes it for himself before work and I get the leftovers. Im just happy its there. On the weekends, however, its never greets me when I get out of bed. When I am left to my own devises, I go Kuerig. This morning I was doing so well, I made two cups of coffee in the same cup. Needless to say, I made a huge mess and not very much coffee. Hopefully this is not a precursor to how this day may go. Its been a hectic few days. Who am I kidding, Its a hectic life.  The end of the school year just happened, end of year parties, 5th grade graduation, my parents visiting, #3s birthday, my birthday, and lots of other birthdays. I used to be such a planner...everything layed out weeks in advance. That was probably 2-3 kids ago. These days, it's one day at a time. The realization that Im throwing a party will hit me a few days before. It will occur to me that we have a party to go to or graduation so well stop on the way to grab a gift. I have found that this new approach is much better. I live in the moment and my anxiety level is way down.  Many people comment on what a "easy going" mom I am. I always joke that Im just "burnt". Ive been relentlessly beaten down by a mini army of little people. The truth is....here it comes...I CAN"T do it all! What?  I cant do every party, every after school activity, every craft, every playdate, or every anything. What's neat about that? It's OK. I'll tell you what..it certainly wasn't ok when I had one or two kids. I held myself to an unreasonably high standard, set by TV shows, pintreast, and imaginary mothers that live in a far of land called perfection. I believed those mothers exsisted, even thought I saw one once in awhile. Of course I wanted to be just like them. To those mommies out there that learned early there is no such thing as perfect. I praise you. I commend you. I spent oddles of time in early parenthhod trying to obtain perfect mommy status.  I always fell short, never felt good enough. I was in a self imagined competition in which I would never win. The fact is that I have not been beaten down. I gave up! I give up!! I do what I can. If I cant get it done, It's not done. Oh well! I'm relieved. I breathe deeply.

Maybe I should call the cops?

Woke up this morning to my dog barking. He is usually extremely lazy in the morning. Peanut Butter is an English Bulldog, my dream dog. That is before I actually owned one. Don't get me wrong, he's adorable, but the maintenance on him is very high. Peanut Butter is relatively mellow, gassy,   slobbery, a bit over-protective, and an amazing judge of character. He has a very tumultuous  relationship with a 7 year old boy that lives a few doors down. On this fine morning, said boy was riding his scooter up and down our street. This is pretty much a daily occurrence, although, he was getting an extra early start today. The problem is that he torments Peanut Butter. We have built a 6 foot stockade fence around the entire front of our property to cut down on their interaction. He drives Peanut Butter crazy, yelling at him, throwing rocks, and antagonizing him to no end. This boy used to be allowed over when he first moved in. I learned quickly that things in his house were less than stellar. He would tell me stories of how mean his dad was or how his mom was always at the bar. A soft spot grew in my heart for the poor kid.  Unfortunately for him, my kids own this heart, so when he had messed with them one too many times,  he was banned for life. Things had come to a head after he spit in my daughters face, showed her his privates, called one a moron, called my husband a punk, and was caught red-handed throwing rocks at the dog. These things occurred over a few months. My husband was ready to axe him from the first incident. My bleeding heart, could relate to his hard childhood. I felt bad for him and gave him more chances than I should have. It then occurred to me that I may be teaching my children to put up with more crap than they deserve. It reminded me of when my first daughter was in pre-school, a classmate would punch her all the time. The teachers solution to this was to ask #1 to be extra nice to him. "He really likes you and is trying to be your friend. He just didn't know how to express himself". Are you kidding me? My daughter should accept his limited method of affection? I'm sorry but I believe my daughter deserves the upmost respect and adoration.  If anyone, especially a boy, can't show her that, then she needs to get away. I was always one to stay too long and try to heal all the wounded birds. I don't want that for her. Anyway, back to the neighbor boy. He was rude and mean, yet I still kept letting him over. When my dog appeared to be really aggressive with him once, I told him he could not come to our front door anymore. He was never really big on listening, so I decided I needed to tell his parents. Peanut butter had obviously had enough, his agitation had reached its max. I went over at about 3 in the afternoon. His dad answered the door pretty intoxicated. " You hear that boy, don't go in their F'n yard anymore". That situation, of course,  bought the boy continued visiting rights, we just had to be outside to invite him.  After a few more incidents and my husbands continued nagging, he was officially banned for life. It finally sunk it that I was letting this boy treat our family very poorly. I was showing my kids that when people don't act right, its ok to give them chance after chance. Like I said, I don't want that for them. I believe that people deserve a second chance but a third and fourth is ridiculous. Fool me once shame on you, fool me again, shame on me.
This morning began with that kid riding directly back in forth right in front of our fence. When I let Peanut butter out he forgoes breakfast, forgoes peeing and charges the fence line growling, barking, and foaming at the mouth. He turns into the huge deaf slobbery monster. I can't get his attention to get him back in. I can hear that little terd on the other side of the fence giggling. I scream "I have had it, maybe I should call the cops, Its too early for this crap". I hear the giggling stop and the scooter tires fade away. Peanut butter returned to the porch to eat breakfast. That ladies and gentleman is how today started, all before 7am.

It takes so long but happens too fast

We have been taking about moving from suburbia to the country for about 4 years now. I guess right around the time my parents moved to Oregon. It was always part of the master plan. However, every year something would come up to prevent us from making the leap. In most cases, it was another pregnancy. I had intended to stop at 3 kids. Obviously, that didn't happen. Let me reiterate, Yes, I do know how they are made. I think I'm just one of those people that, my husband looks at me sideways and I've been implanted. Don't get me wrong, I love having 5 kids. It's an enormous amount of work but its worth it. When I found out I was preggers with number 4...I became very depressed. The day I met that little guy, I felt like I had been such a big selfish jerk. He was beautiful and I was beyond blessed. By the time the news that number 5 way on his way, I was almost indifferent. Ok, I guess were doing this again. Number 5 is @ 9mo. now. He's awesome and a great addition to the family. Am I done? I don't know. People ask me that all the time. I was "done" at 3. Sometimes life's plan for us is bigger than we can even imagine. I will tell you the precautions I take now are bigger... better.. stronger.  5 is a lot. I'm good with 5.
A friend recently told us he thought we were crazy for making this move. The thought sat with me for the rest of the night. Are we? Are we doing the right thing? Is it insane to give up an income and health insurance when you have five kids? I came to the conclusion that yes, it probably is. Its probably not the most responsible thing to do. Its not the safest most secure thing to do. To be totally honest, I am terrified! I have received a positive response to the blog so far, many people admire our "balls". It is not lack of fear that makes this possible. Fear is an ever real and present danger. At least 2-3 times a day I think we should back out. I'm not an idiot. I know how risky this is. My mind races with all the negative scenarios that could happen. We have a good life...why rock the boat?  On the other hand, my deepest fear is that I never try. I fear looking back at my life and wishing for what could have been. Today, I will be brave. To be brave is not to be without fear, but to do be, in spite of fear.

5 kids=Alot of puke and poop

In the last week I have cleaned up an enormous amount puke. All but one kiddo has had a run of the runs...outta both ends. In general, parents deal with more bodily fluids than they ever thought possible. Parenthood runs a close second to an emergency room nurse, in the gross out factor. I have never easily been grossed-out,  but being a mommy has certainly tested my limits. One of my sons was an amazing artist for a period. His choice of media: Poop. It was an absolutely wonderful time in our lives. A time, when every time Id open his bedroom door after a nap or in the morning, I would be greeted with one of his amazing masterpieces.  Oh the joy! To those of you who have never had an artist like this, you may be blown away. According to the internet...Its not that uncommon. News that really helped keep me from rushing him to the nearest psychologist. Ok...Its normal...painting with poop.....normal...no diagnosis needed....normal, yet so very disgusting.
It came to my attention a few months back, how desensitized I've become to pee, puke and poop. Our family recently took a mini-vacation to Disneyland. My sister met us there to spend some time with her nieces and nephews. Her babies are a small business and 2 very spoiled four legged friends. Her childcare experience falls under the label of  "cool Aunt". Anyway, she volunteered to watch the then 6mo. old, while the rest of us went on a ride. We came back to hysterics. "Your baby puked on me....like on me" Um...yea...ok.(Me) " No you don't understand...like on me, on my shirt, in my mouth...it was so disgusting" uhhh ok.(Me) " You don't seem bothered by this...you don't understand how gross it was..it was so bad". I'm guessing our perception of a bad puking incident is very different from each others. I didn't see any blood. The baby was still conscience. Their clothes we still wearable. In the scheme of things...not so bad. Now to her, this was horrible, yucky in a way that was incomprehensible. Probably scared her in a way that  the idea of having children in the future, got even father pushed back on the ole' burner. Ask her about it today, she will still adamantly profess how intense it was for her. Those future unborns probably need to chill a bit on that back burner.  She'll need to build up a tolerance for one of the dirtiest jobs out there- Parenthood!

A little background

My parents are wonderful selfless dysfunctional people. They raised me in Suburbia. Actually, 4 years ago( 3 kids ago) They lived very close.  I mentioned yesterday my belongings driving away in an old trailer. They brought that trailer down for us to load. Our new home is very close to theirs. I am really looking forward to being near them again. They are absolutely fabulous grandparents. On the other hand I worry a bit for my sanity. When they first moved, I missed them terribly. I hadn't realized how much I leaned on them until they moved. I only had two kids at the time. My husband and I still went out, had dates, saw movies, and had alone time. I actually had sick days when I was sick. I could go to the doctor or dentist by myself. Not anymore! Unless, Im super duper sick and the hubby has to stay home...I muddle through it. All five of my babies go to appts with me at times. Honestly, it makes me feel like a rockstar. Don't get me wrong, we are a circus and people stare. I like to believe its in amazement of how well-behaved they all are. LOL. What do I know, could be their disgust in my mission to single-handedly repopulate the earth. Anyway, as hard as it was to begin to do all of this without my parents, it has been amazing. My self confidence is at an all time high. When I say I feel like a rockstar..I really do. I have pride. How do I do this? How do I take care of five kids? I just do and Im pretty darn good at it! Being a mommy is the first thing in my life that I actually feel good at. Now, let me explain the background on that,
My dad is a recovering Alcoholic. As a child he was mean. He would berate me on a nightly basis as to what a loser I was or how I screwed up everything I did. As a result my self-esteem was almost non-existent. It has been through my own issues with addiction and watching him be "Pop Pop" to my kids now that I was able to forgive him.
 In the distance between us these last four years, I have changed, grown...blossomed. I realized I don't need them. I'm capable. I have reflected and realized how dependent I was on their approval. I leaned on them, which contributed to me feeling inadequate. The dynamic of dysfunctional families is hard to break. I believed I am strong enough now. I will do what I think is right. I will raise my kids the way I want. I will accept opinions, but I get final say(Ask My Husband). I am far from perfect but I am good enough.

Just getting started...

The beginning....

Well, My belongings just rolled out of my driveway in a rusty old horse trailer. It's happening....We are doing it. Our journey from Suburbia to Sustainably has begun.
When I was a child my future dreams consisted of being a mother and a farmer. At the age of 36, as of next week, I have given life to 5 beautiful kiddos. They range in age from 9mo. to 11 years. Yes! Yes! I do have my hands full. Yes, I do know how they are made and yes we have cable! All that is about to change, its time to give up cable! I have fulfilled my greatest desire... to become a mom. Now to chase the second part of my childhood dream and become a farmer. Now, keep in mind, I  know nothing about being a farmer. I love animals, have taken vet assistant classes, but cant even get tomatoes to grow in my suburban front yard.
My husband, our 5 kids, and I live in a nice, but small home, is southern California.  Hubby has a pretty good job and health insurance, which of course is a staple in any good stable family. In the hopes of something different...something better, we are giving it all up. We are selling our home, leaving our stable income, and giving up the promise of health insurance. Scary? I know...right? Terrifying!! We are choosing to go beyond fear and pursue a life outside "The Box". I decided it might be interesting to document this experience....hence we have "The Blog". What do you think? Will this be an interesting journey to hear about? We live in a world of convenience and concrete. Accessibility and Asphalt. We are saying good-bye to Starbucks down the street and 7 Eleven around the corner. Rural Oregon here we come.....