I'm ready...well not ready ready...but ready to go.

Holy Moly, I'm ready to go. Now, the car isn't packed but it will be by tonight. I mean emotionally mentally ready to go. The fact that my hubby isn't coming hurts my feelings.  We have to do what it takes. We will be together soon. The last few days have been overwhelming. We went out the other night, let off some steam. It was exactly what I needed. The night just screamed closure to me. I hugged friends I wont see again, at least for a long time. Friends I expected to be there, didn't show up. Some friends shined beyond any expectation I could ever have. Some friends disappointed. I found clarity. The bar was seedy. I saw so much sadness there, so much loneliness. I saw judgment. I danced like no body was watching. I loved hard and spoke from my heart. When I woke up in the morning, I knew I was done here. I don't want to live this kind of life anymore. There was a moment in all the chaos of the last few days when my husband pulled over the car to take #3 to the bathroom. I watched my little man chase after my big man to make it to the potty in time. I laughed out loud at his little duck feet flying out trying to keep pace. My heart swelled, watching him waddle back to the car holding daddy's hand with pride on his face. I remembered the reason were moving. I have him and 4 other huge reasons. If I just keep reminding myself why I'm really doing this. It is going to be ok. My Babies are everything to me. This new life is for them.

Stress with a capital S

I am so freakin stressed out. My stomach hurts. I feel like I'm on the verge of tears every second of every minute. I want to strangle my husband....literally strangle. We are pretty much not speaking at all. We have nothing nice to say to each other. We got an offer on the house. Our agent is less than helpful. We are receiving advice from every other direction. My head feels like it is going to explode. My mom arrived in town the other day. She is going to drive up to Oregon with me in 3 days. 3 days. 3 days. Tonight we have a night out planned. I need it so desperately. I am at the end of my rope completely. Totally on the verge of a breakdown. I have nothing left to give. I need refueling.  Im hoping this break tonight, the day I have planned for tomorrow will refurbish me enough to get through the next few weeks. I will have all 5 kids in a new house by myself. My intention is to ready the homeschool situation. At this point just thinking about makes me want to crawl in a hole and throw up. So, that's the here and now of it all. Keepin it real!

1 week to go

My children and I leave in one week from today. My emotions are on such a rollercoaster. I'm anxious and super excited. I also feel really sad. I'm even a bit scared. There are people here that mean so much to me, but I know if our bond is strong, our paths will cross again. I will miss the weather. Silly as it may sound, I will miss the 99cent store and GTM. I love to bargain hunt and score a great deal. My mom has been so supportive. Her excitement is very encouraging. Next week, I will begin to get ready for homeschool. We will have a whole room set up as a classroom. How cool is that? Our house isn't getting much action on the market. Hubby is gonna have to stay here until we get a solid offer. This is not ideal. In a perfectly painted dream we would arrive in our new life together. However, until the house sells we still have to pay the mortgage here. We've started saying our good-byes to the ones that want one. Good-byes can be really hard. I think some people would rather skip them. It's either that or we don't matter as much as we thought we did to some people. We are ok with that. This process has really shown me my true friends and family in San Diego. Leaving the true ones is breaking my heart. This is not an easy process. Some think we are crazy, others brave. I think it's a bit of both.

In your eyes

In your eyes, I see love in the truest form.
I see kindness
I see strength
I see beauty
In your eyes, I see my purpose.
I see joy
I see peace
I see light
In your eyes, I see happiness
I see wonder
I see curiosity
I see innocence.
In your eyes, My son
I see me.
When you look at me,
My son,
I. See. Me.

10 signs that Daddy isnt suffering from guilt like I do

Now, I don't want any dads to take offence. I actually admire the ability to self serve. For whatever reason...I am incapable of putting myself first. I blame Mommy guilt. It seems to me dads don't suffer from that same nagging feeling they could be doing better...ALL the time. I always feel like I could do more. Here are the signs I've noticed that men don't struggle with the same guilt moms do.

1. They go to the bathroom alone and with the door closed......they even take their time!!!

2. He watches sports for hours.

3. Dads watch what they want on TV. Sometimes they even change the cartoons.

4. Dads make and eat a snack for and by themselves.

5. Dads seem to have this amazing ability to fall asleep. Anywhere. Through anything....labor, newborns, nightmares, earthquakes, plays, hide n seek....anything.

6. Men can play video games, listen to music, watch TV and it all of a sudden becomes appropriate.

7.  He gets dressed, gets ready, and brushes his teeth first.

8.  He SITS down to eat his meals, even reads the newspaper during breakfast.

9. Dads can take regular showers...ALONE!

10. Daddy isn't trying to make it to every birthday party, event, or get together. It's ok to say no.

As I said, I have noticed this in admiration. I'm totally jealous. Men seem to have an easier time taking a few minutes for themselves. I've said it before and Ill say it again....Mommy guilt is a bitch!

Now we wait....

Now, we sit in a state of transition. The house is clean, I just have to keep it that way. It feels like we are running out of time to take care of the loose ends. At the same time, we are kinda just sitting here, waiting....thinking. I find myself reflecting on the people I have here. I have some absolutely wonderful mommy friends. Mommies that love it and struggle just like I do. Friends that know how it feels to not get enough sleep. Friends who don't get upset when I don't text back right away. Friends that I know I can lean on if I need to. I don't make friends easily, it has taken me along time. I will truly miss my special group of mommy friends.
I also have a few long time friends...friend that have known me from my Vida loca.(crazy life). Friends that may or may not relate to me as a mom, but we are bonded through time.
My husband has an enormous extended family in SD. His amazing grandmother had 8 children. I will miss the big fun family parties. I will miss the family connection for my children.  I tend to be very guarded. Unfortunately, I have not formed overly strong bonds with many in his family. However, there is a good-sized handful that I just love to pieces. They are kind, generous, open loving people. I have always felt very comfortable and accepted  by them. My heart hurts when I think about leaving the people I love in San Diego, My San Diego family. Thank goodness for social media or I would be a blubbering mess. Good-bye is not forever...it's just for now. I may not want to live in SD, but its a great place to visit.

The house is on the market....

The last few days have been full. We cleaned and packed until we could clean and pack no more. The house looks great....and empty. I find it incredibly sad. We have brought 3 children home to this house. We painted over the penciled in growth chart on the wall. All the pictures are gone. We remain waiting with the basics. I suppose this is the time to reflect. The time for closure. I have to admit I am filled with anxiety. It's pretty constant. I wonder if we are doing the right thing. I hope with all my being that this will all work out. I day-dream and fanaticize. I try to picture our new life. I decorate and plan. Most of all I fret and worry. Saturday was the open house. Yesterday, we took the kids on the trolley. As we enter our final weeks in SD, my husband and I rack our brains for things we will miss. We have a list of what we want to do before we go. The kids have always wanted to ride the trolley. I'm really glad we found time. They loved it. Watching their little faces light up will be a memory saturated in pure joy forever. Children have the most amazing ability to make the simplest moments so satisfying. We have been to the beach twice in the last week. I am trying to fill our calendar with fun and farewells. This new undertaking is finally upon us. The children and I depart in 2 weeks from tomorrow. The count down has begun.