Update on the home front...

In between, my emotions, mommy problems, and stories, I think It's important I remember to keep you posted on farm life.  Our puppies did fantastic in the on the job training with my parents guardian dogs. It appeared they had a better understanding to guard the animals, not play with them. We brought them home two days ago. Yesterday they killed one of our chickens. Arg! I was so mad. Those girls got a serious lesson in who's the alpha. We are going to take them back to my parents to continue learning. Today, we are going to pick up our new Tea Cup Pig. She is only 3 weeks old. We were not supposed to pick her up for another month. I think the breeder needs the cash. She has called everyday for the last 3 days. We had a lot to prepare for this lady so I've been busy. Enclosed areas. Litter boxes and beds. Our hope is to have her stay indoors. We may even breed her someday, which would help ease my guilt of paying so much for her. Last week, I took one of our cats to the vet, she was walking around yelling as if in heat. Which without lady parts is impossible. She ended having a U.T.I. I also brought in a stool sample from our other cat, who has the runs. The vet asked me to bring him in yesterday. It looks like he has lymphoma. Sad face. We will monitor his quality of life and go from there.  I am now established as a new patient at the local clinic. Yippy! Today my goal is to set up a meet with my new dentist. I had a big chip come out of my tooth yesterday.  Fabulous! It took over two weeks to get an electrician to come out to hook up the spa we bought off craigslist.  The hubby and I finally used it the other night. It was amazing. The star-filled sky. The gorgeous moon peaking out from behind the tall shadowed tree line.  We relaxed feeling very blessed. That night, I slept like a rock. So, that's the update on the home front for now.

To My Dearest Children,

A letter to my children,

There will not be one single sentence in this letter that will adequately describe how much you mean to me. There is no one word big enough. Love, written, is too small. Four little letters just won't cut it. Neither would a thousand or a million. My love for you is beyond words. There may be a day you have children of your own. Then you will get it. Then you will know. It is as if upon your birth my heart climbed right out of my body and into yours. You share it with each other, but I'll never get it back. It completely and totally belongs to you. My heart soars with you. It swells in hope for your happiness and health. I am to the moon and back grateful for you. Thank you. Thank you for everything. Your smile! Your hand! Even, your eyelashes. Those soft wispy slivers framing those eyes. The windows to your soul. Your light! The way you look at me is beyond comprehension. It's adorable! The love in your eyes completes me. I am humbled by the confidence you have in me. Your voice....oh my goodness...your sweet little voice. The hugs you give...the stories you tell. I could live deaf if only I could still hear you. The way you say my name. The 10,000 ways you say "mommy" over and over. It's a question. It's an answer. Mommy, I need you! Honestly, I need you too. My life was given an unimaginable purpose through you. I carried you.  I would give you my heart a million times over. I would give you anything.  If my love alone could sustain you. You would be rich and plump for all your days. There is no end to my love. The depth is beyond the deepest of depths. If ever I lacked purpose, it is found. You are my reason for being, for breathing, for trying. Trying everyday to be the best I can be. To show you the way, not with just words but by example. You make me a better person. A better person than I ever thought I could be. Being your mom means more to me than I can express. There is nothing better on this earth than you. Shine brightly! You are amazing. So smart! So funny! You can do anything! Trust me! I know you. I grew you! You are unstoppable, inspiring, and beautiful. Beautiful from the top of your head to the tip of your toes. Beautiful in every single way, on every singe inch. Inside, you glow. Your potential is breathtaking. Your heart is pure. I wish I could wrap you in my arms and keep you safe forever. Know that I will never leave you! Ever! Even in my death I will stay by your side. I will be there for every milestone. Feel me in your heart. See me in your dreams because I will always be where you need me. I accept you as you are. I am so so so proud of you. No matter what you go through. I will love you always, forever and beyond.

To be grateful

Recently I have been focusing too much on what I don't have, so I am going to list what I am grateful for:

1. A bigger house- yes, it is harder to clean and find things, but my kids can spread out. They have so much fun running from room to room. It feels better!

 2. Homeschooling- We have so much more time in the day. Also, because I realize the responsibility of their education is ours alone. Everything becomes a lesson. Kinda cool!

3. My husband is like a totally different person. Engaged. Fun. Involved. Helpful. It's life changing!

4. Our bond is even stronger. We rely on each other more for entertainment, companionship, and comfort. It has been amazing to watch in the kids.

5. Nothing is crowded. Not a single thing...not even the D.M.V.

6. We have livestock. I have always wanted a pig. We are getting our second in 4 weeks. We have chickens and goats-yeehaw

7. My daughter has a horse. A dream come true for her and a pleasure for the whole family.

8. The children and their grandparents are best friends.

9. My husband is not working and we can afford it for now, It's an adjustment but really something to be treasured. He is home to help and bond with the kids.

10. Some things are so CHEAP! Took the cat to the vet the other day and the exam was $5. WTF?

11. Overall, people have been very kind, helpful, and generous.

12. It is freakin beautiful! I mean...wow...

I have a lot to be grateful for....I know it. I need to live it. My children have seemed ungrateful to me lately. Everything is a big deal. Lots of groaning. I realized, I must be setting the example. It's time for an attitude adjustment.

Happiness is hard to find.

Back before we were married, my husband and I had a long talk about our dreams and goals. I should say my dreams, which included lots of children and becoming a farmer, because he didn't have many. He said his main goal was to make me happy. I immediately warned him that it was going to be nearly impossible. I am not a happy person. Happiness has never come easy to me. He should probably focus on something else or end up feeling very dissatisfied. As the years have passed, I have learned he was in a starting over phase then more then a goal setting phase. He has learned how right I was in my warning. First of all, I truly believe you can't make someone else happy. Happiness comes from with in.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not unhappy. I just lack an over-all sense of well being and satisfaction. I accept that I am like this. It surely steams from my childhood. As I've mentioned, my father was an abusive alcoholic. I spent most of my developing years being severely criticized.  My inner child is very broken. She doesn't believe she can do anything right. Nothing she does, says, or has will ever be good enough. That will always linger. Also, not to be forgotten is all the serotonin  destroying activities I participated in back in the day. I like to think of serotonin as the brain's happy bubbles. Drugs cause huge expansion in those bubbles. Then they pop, for good.  Today, I am pretty well balanced, self-aware, and much more confident. A few years ago, I began practicing Buddhism, which has brought me some peace. My children bring me stress, joy, pain, love, wonder, and every other emotion there is. My husband is wonderful. He is affectionate, supportive, complimentary, hard-working, and a great dad. I find fault in him more often than I should. It is my nature. In San Diego, I struggled, dissatisfied often. It was within the last year there that I felt the closest to happy I'd ever been.  I'd found a deep true friendship. Finances were great. Good social life. The children were happy and engaged. Although, hubby was a bit stressed, overall...things were good. It brings to mind the quote "One must be willing to give up the good to achieve great".  I strive for great. I long for great. It's the journey there, that is a bit challenging.

Take my advice...I don't use it anymore!

I recently read a blog about the top mistakes parents are making these days. I'd like to offer my take on the matter. I am by no means an expert in the subject, but I feel having 5 kids qualifies me as well versed.

#1- Parents should not spoil their children. Spoiled children are brats and nobody wants to be around them. So keep the over indulgence to a minimum. Unless you are at the store and you really need your kid to shut the hell up for a few minutes...then, get them a toy or a lollipop. That's a no-brainer. Actually, it also may be acceptable to buy them an item if it's "really freakin' cute" or if you just got paid.

#2- Quit codling your children. Please? My children have to grow up and share this planet with yours. Do we really want to raise a bunch of wimpy wimps? At my 4 year old son's basketball class, one mom was actually holding her son the entire time. He was clutching her neck like his life depended on it, crying continuously. She ran up and down the court with him. Desperately tried to get him to engage in ball handling skills by physically moving his arms for him. I may have even heard her beg him to try. I'm sorry...you wouldn't catch me doing that....um....no.. either get it together, do it, or we are leaving. Unless he was really sensitive. If he is really sensitive I may hold him... a little. I also feel it is inappropriate to beg or bribe our children. Unless of course we are desperate, embarrassed, overwhelmed or exhausted. Which is so rare....right?

#3- Be a parent-not a friend! Our children need discipline. They need us to lead by example. There will be times when they don't like us-ALOT! We will do what we have to, to keep them safe, to teach them, and to turn them into productive functioning adults. There is an exception to this rule; if you are feeling lonely or sick-be friends. Also, it maybe acceptable if you want to bond. Perhaps, go to a concert together. Just be sure to turn it into a life lesson. Drugs are bad, Don't Dress like a hooker, Don't take advantage of drunk girls, Don't be the drunk girl, etc...etc. Children need good parents not cool ones. All rules are null and void if you have a teenager.  Be the cool one!  Get them a tattoo or a piercing.Wait! What? Never!!! Unless....

#4-  Don't compare yourself to other parents. Chances are you will feel inadequate.  I do the best I can everyday. I have learned that everybody's best looks very different and varies from day to day. I have no reason to compare myself to Suzy Homemaker. Her fabulous Facebook posts. The accomplished pinterst crafts.  Clean children in matching outfits. Give me a break. Most days I'm just proud we all survived.  On the other hand,  if you come across an obviously BAD parent, feel free to compare...we all need a little pick me up once in awhile.

#5-Your children are far from perfect. So many parents today think they have little angels. Parents are so quick to come to their children's defense and are completely unwilling to be objective. Hello....your kid can be quite an A-hole. We can't fix what we won't acknowledge. My oldest son is a total brat. Want to know why? His mother spoils and coddles him. Idiot! Doesn't she realize the monster she is creating? He is so sensitive, he's undoubtedly going to be all screwed up. It is important to identify and work on our children's faults. Although my children are pretty damn close to perfect.

The point of this blog is too encourage compassion among parents. It is so easy to sit from afar and judge others faults or even their accomplishments. Suzy Homemaker may appear to have it all together but behind closed doors a whole different truth may be unfolding. The mother bribing her daughter at the grocery store may be going through a divorce. The father trying to be a friend may have just lost his job or worse, found out he has cancer. There is no window to the pain people are in. Life is hard. There is no instruction manual when it comes to parenting. We all struggle. We all have wins and losses. Who am I to say what is right for another? My house is as glass as yours. All I know is that my children are my reason for breathing. I make every single decision based on their well being. Am I perfect? No! Are you? No! We are in this together. We are raising the future. Let's focus on the love we see between parents and their children. Lets lift each other up in our insecurity. Let's embrace the fact we have choices and support each other in them. I am doing the very best I can. I swear it!! I know you are too! Bless you mommy and daddy for trying so hard. It is enough. 

Lessons in being a cowgirl!

The schedule has served us well this week. We accomplished a lot in homeschool. We were able to squeeze in some fun. My oldest daughter turned 12. This is the first year without a party. I don't feel the like the over indulgence of big parties really does our children any good. That being said, I sure missed throwing one. She ended up having her P.E. class the same day so she brought cookies. After, we went to the movies with one of her P.E. friends. We saw "In to the Woods". I hadn't realized it was a musical, I wanted to gouge my eyes out but luckily, I was alone in that opinion. Then out for pizza and home for gifts and cake. She said it was one of her best birthdays. It was a pleasant simple celebration. On Wednesday, the middles went with daddy to see Big Hero. They loved it.  That morning, we fed the animals and discovered Midnight had been chewed on a bit. Midnight is the baby black goat we got with Grunt the pig. His tail and ear were bleeding. We cleaned him up and put him in with the chickens to recuperate. It seems the puppies are using him as a chew toy. In reading about guardian puppies, it can be common but since their job is to protect the livestock...It's a big no-no. Tomorrow we are going to take them to my parents house to spend a few days with their guardian dogs. Hopefully, they will get a quick act right lesson. I'm afraid we have been too friendly with the girls. We want them to be slightly aggressive, but they are more spastic and floppy. Hopefully, it's just their age. Yesterday, my oldest worked for over 3 hours with her horse. An older cowboy gentleman from next door is teaching her a few things. It was pretty darn cool to watch. I'm hoping a few things will rub off on me...I've always wanted to be a cowgirl.

Is it strengh?

I am trying to look on the bright side....to stay positive. There are so many things about moving here that I love. On the other hand there is a lot, I've yet to become a fan of. Ive been told how strong I am  or brave. I usually shrug it off without giving it much consideration. I'm in a foul mood this morning. My brain is in over drive. Maybe I am a lot stronger than I give myself credit for. This whole process is uncomfortable. It's not predictable or safe. I've given that up. Does that make me strong? At this point, It makes me feel crazy. I long for comfort....safety...answers. In this last week, my family got health insurance. Hallelujah! I am telling you, I didn't even allow myself to think about how freakin scary it was not to have it. It became a running joke in the house. "Please, don't do that, we don't have health ins." Now, that we have it, I am overwhelmed with relief. Thank all things good and powerful that nothing happened to my children in that time of transition. Another emotion I am having it out with is guilt. It sits in my chest like a brick. In San Diego, My children were in a language immersion program. If we had remained there, the possibility of raising 5 little bi-lingual munchkins was real. Here=not so much. In fact the possibility of them getting any kind of fabulous education here seems to be one Id have to pay for.  I could hire a Spanish tutor. They could enroll in private school. It's too bad this 3.5 areas of trees didn't come with one of the money variety. I hate to use my blog as some type of therapy but often it feels like my only outlet. I can't complain to my mother about how annoying I find it to have my husband home ALL the time. I can't complain to my husband about how intolerable I find the constant input and judgment of my parents. I would then just have to listen to them bitch. I can't cope with that either. I desperately miss my San Diego independence....my competence..my accomplishments...my confidence in my parenting...the security. While talking with my husband yesterday, he said it sounded like I wanted to throw in the towel. I do not. I will not. It's not an option....maybe I am strong....or maybe I'm just stuck.

A little structure goes a long way

This has been a rather pleasant week. We have implemented a strict schedule for homeschool. My husband and I have been taking turns instructing the little boys and the older girls. Our new schedule is boldly displayed, where all can see. We created an awesome preschool curriculum. It's fun for all of us and I'm super proud. The kids have embraced the structure. The animals are being cared for with much more regularity. Chores and school work are completed with so much time to spare in the day. It's awesome! I would say the very BEST thing about this move has been the strong bond it has created in our family. We talk so much more. The children get along so much better. They play constantly. This bond will last a life time. The rush has been taken out of our everyday life. It allows us to enjoy each other so much more. I spent a long time in the kitchen yesterday.  I have the time to make things from scratch. I take the time to let them help. We are eating damn well here. Fresh, colorful, nutritious food. The adjustment for all of us has been huge. There are give and takes. Last week I was dwelling on the negative but this week, I'm feeling more positive. The puppies are getting much bigger. They are incredibly smart. However, they will not be adequate guard dogs for at least a year. We have discovered this may be an issue. Its seems a homeless camp has been established about an acre over. Some less than desirable neighbors have decided to squat in the forest too close for comfort. Without much of a police force, matters will have to be taken into our own hands. This week we are setting up a security camera and filing a complaint with the county. It has come quickly to our attention that it is time I learn how to handle a gun. My husband has started looking for part-time work. I may be alone here with the children more often again soon. It has also come to our attention, a mountain lion is in the area. It is time for this county Mama to become a routin tootin shootin cowgirl. YEE-HA!!!

Dicipline

My mind has been racing lately...way too much to think about. Our Christmas was very pleasant. It was wonderful to have so much room to celebrate. Even better was the fact we didn't have to pack up  right after to head home. We are home. New Years eve was also very nice. The hubby and I went out to dinner and a movie. Simple. Relaxing. I don't have the energy to party too hard anymore, even if we had wanted to, where would we go? On our drive home we saw an entire house in flames right next to the freeway. Luckily, firefighters had arrived, because out here that's half the battle. It was amazing and so scary. I have never seen anything like it. New Year's Day was spent in much discussion and contemplation. How can we make it better here? I don't worry I've made the wrong decision. I stand by this move. It may be a bit boring here now but in the long term this is exactly where I want to raise my family. I have no faith in society. I dread what the world will look like in 20 years. The best thing I can do for my children is give them a safe place. No matter what happens in the outside world, here we will have food, shelter, protection, and a sustainable way of life. I have had an interesting revelation. Structure and discipline are forced on us in suburban society. School is scheduled. Work is scheduled. Out here, time is rather abstract. Homeschooling can be done when we feel like it. Chores and errands too. Aside from a few scheduled activities, we can pretty much do what we want when we want. It is a blessing and a curse. When you don't "have to" get up everyday at a certain time...it's harder to make yourself.  When no deadline exsists, its hard to push to get things accomplished. Now, on one hand I lavish the lack of stress. On the other,  we are going to have to dig deep for some self discipline. That's the new plan. We need to create more structure. We need to be disciplined enough to carry out daily accomplishments without much outside pressure. Look out 2015...here we come!!!!