Alot to get used to

In San Diego our home was @960sq ft. This new house is 3300sq ft. I think it will take us a whole year to get organized in the house. Yesterday, there was a baby snake in the yard and I found a dead frog under the couch. This morning the dogs brought a dead possum carcass to the doorstep. The kids are so dirty...which I wanted, but it will take some getting used to. There are lots more "hippie" types. People with backpacks travelling and hitchhikers. It is definitely less superficial. People are less "put together". Of course, there are lots of bugs....more than I anticipated. We opted out of cable. I cant really use my cell phone anywhere on my property. The kids are way more spread out. There are way more opportunities for me to miss things...like apple cores on the floor. The children in town seem so well mannered...offering to help...calling me maam. There is no sales tax. It is super weird. When something says $44.95...it's $44.95. My idea of crowded doesn't seem to exist here. It will take awhile to adjust my thinking. We went to WalMart yesterday, I was concerned it would be "crowded"...um.. no. People still stare at me when I walk around with all my kids. I get a lot more compliments on my tattoo and hair. My access to organic food and vegan products is limited. At least in the stores. It's really quiet, in a natural peaceful way. My kids are getting along so well its mind-blowing.  I have a dishwasher, I have yet to use it but this is epic. Craigslist here is bare in comparison to SD. I had to buy a few of the kids new shoes at WalMart because there aren't really any resale shops for kids. I will miss those. There is a lot I will miss. There is a lot to get used to. Hopefully we will gain more than we lost.

Brave or crazy?

There is something to be said for the way most people live their lives. There are expectations. We start learning about them pretty early. Education. Job. Money. Taxes. Health Insurance. There are plenty of houses lined up the side walk. There are plenty of jobs with 401ks and health benefits. Is this what we all want? Retirement plans? A Mortgage? Is this what we want or is it what we are supposed to want? I have heard from many people now that I am brave. I am scared.  I am in the middle of nowhere. I've had no phone or internet for over a week. I am alone with 5 kids. They have been stung by bees, hit in the head by swings, and got phenomena. Last night, the internet installation guy came at 8:30pm. In the Dark. To my house in the forest, together alone. Brave...I may be but I am also a tad bit crazy. He happened to be the nicest installation guy ever. Today, when I left to get the cats from the vet, a truck drove by packed like a clown car. I had left the garage open, with an overwhelming need to close it I turned around. As I was pulling out of the drive-way the second time, they passed again. I backed up and sat in the driveway watching. Wouldn't you know it a few minutes passed by and they had circled back again. I then pulled across the street to see if maybe I could get my cell to work. They came back again from the other direction and pulled right into my driveway. It was quite a group of characters. I never took my eyes off them. Santa appeared to be driving, a skinny tweaked out looking younger lady was in the middle, and a huge toothless woman was in the passenger seat. The extra cab was taken up by a bulky man sitting sideways because he wouldn't fit sitting upright. They circled around my driveway, pulled out and then pulled up right next to me. The toothless woman asked me if I knew where "Ben" lived. What the heck? I stayed for a bit after they left. Then decided my bulldog would guard the house appropriately. I was late to pick up the cats. Is that brave? Is that crazy? Aren't we all a bit brave? I know we're all crazy. Isn't it brave when we watch our child go to their first day of school, trying not to cry in front of them. Isn't it brave when we pretend not to be scared of bees so they won't be....or heights...or shots? Isn't it brave when we get out of the marriage that is making us miserable? Isn't it brave when we stay, to fight for it another day? What about when we start a new job or buy our first house.  I think this whole life thing can be scary as sh*t. It's how we live in spite of that fear that defines us.

In over my head?

I just finished the online homeschool orientation. Good gravy...this is going to be a lot. I am excited and super nervous. Things come easy to my first born. She is a perfectionist, an over achiever, and a good girl. She will pretty much homeschool herself. Now, #2 is a whole different story. We often joke that she comes from another planet. Her entry into this world was definitely out of the ordinary. She was born 10weeks prematurely. The fight in her is big. She is stubborn, independent, and so weird. Seriously, she is weird. In kindergarten she decided she didn't want to participate so she would just get up, leave the group and do whatever she wanted. She has absolutely no filter. One day after picking her up from school, we had a long conversation about how she likes daddy way more than me. Yes, Yes, I have had her tested. Seems to be, she is an anarchist. Already she has no desire to conform. She likes graveyards and contemplates death. Her questions are far beyond her years. As a person, I admire her. As a parent I cringe. She is trouble, wonderful, beautiful, terrifying trouble. On one hand I fear how public school could crush her individualism. Could she be made to be a sheep? On the other hand, nurturing this child's wild different outlook may just be beyond my capabilities. Half the time I want to high five her, the other put my foot in her...well you know. I definitely have my work cut out for me. Could it be I am in over my head?

Feeling the farm vibe and loving it!

I worry when my husband gets her that it will be harder for him to let go of his suburban stressed self.  It occurred to me last night that I have made all my dreams come true. When I was little I used to say I wanted 5 children, an English Bulldog, and to be a farmer. It made me wonder what I would have accomplished had I set my aspirations elsewhere. Even through all the chaos of my troubled and wasted youth, I ended up on the other side with all I've ever wanted. I guess its time to make a new list. In reality all these accomplishments were almost accidental. Maybe we manifest things in our life with out really realizing it. For example, if we reside ourselves that we are probably going to catch the cold going around the house...well...that's pretty much what will happen. Sometimes, I decide out right that I am not getting sick and it works. I find it interesting that even though I may have lost sight of the things I wanted as a child somehow they have found their way to me. I am really feeling this  farming thing. Today, the kids and I picked an apple from our garden and shared it. My son, #3, was chanting " I picked food" over and over again. We washed it, cut it up and shared it. It was pretty darn special. Everyone was in the moment. It was happy. Later today, we found another frog on our porch. We caught it, so we could take some pictures of it. The kids were so fascinated. They also seemed a bit in awe of my bravery. I picked up 3 frogs in the last 2 days with my bare hands. Ewe! We explored the property. We pretended. I was the queen of the land of gigantic trees. I really hope my husband can get into it here because I am loving it!

Is that sofa really worth another whole week of work?

I fell in love with this sofa at Costco. Before I moved I had decided we would buy it. Now, that I'm here I need to take the term sustainability more seriously. Do I need this couch? No! It would cost almost a whole week of work for my husband. Our income is about to totally change. In San Diego, we were pretty comfortable. Always had money for the things we wanted or needed. However, we are also very thrifty. I don't have a smart phone. We own all our cars outright. The kids wear clothes from resale and thrift stores. I do this by choice. It goes along with my belief of anti-consumerism. In trying to honor my values, I still get caught up in pretty things. My point is, do we really need all these things we work so hard to afford? Part of my hope in our new life is to learn to live more simply. My parents gave me a fine functional couch. Is it pretty? Not really. Who cares? I did splurge on a cute bathroom set for the kids bathroom. I could have bought the plain generic...but the hippos and monkeys were so much cuter. As people, I think we get a little to caught up in the next best thing.
All this glitz and glitter is just used to distract us from the real issues in the world. Teenagers being shot by cops. Genocide. Being poisoned by our food. Health system built to keep us sick. Immigrant children? Does anybody know what happened to them? All I'm saying is there is way more important things to care about than a cute couch. There are a million better things to spend my money on. Step one to sustainability...use what we have!

We left a week ago today....

I can't believe it has only been a week since we left San Diego. It feels like a few at least. Things are going really well. I am starting to really miss my husband. The good news is that we got an awesome offer on the house in SD yesterday. I hope with all my heart that everything goes smoothly. He needs to be here. He will love it too. This morning I discovered that my cell phone will work on the porch. This is very exciting because I have been unable to chat on the phone after I put the kids to bed. It would have required I walk out to the end of the driveway...in the dark...by myself. Wild animals...Bears are a reality here. So tonight, I will be able to make a phone call a few feet from my front door. Yesterday, #2 swung the porch swing into #5s face. It caught him right above the eye. First black eye and he's not even one. We were lucky he didn't need stiches. I am quickly coming to terms with how often the kids are going to get hurt here. When you have this many children you tend to asses things from a point of survival. It may be an accident waiting to happen but if it's an accident they can survive...I usually let them roll with it. I set up a majority of the classroom. Homeschooling is beginning to scare me. Im beginning to think I want a big yellow bus to take them away for 8 hours a day. It is an incredible about of material. I am second guessing my ability but I am going to try. That yellow bus will be there if I change my mind. My parents are being super helpful. My mother is only slightly nagging which is huge for her. I have found myself asking her to stop, trying to set boundaries, which is huge for me. I think we are off to a good start. They had a bountiful harvest of yellow squash. I felt obligated to make something with them. Last night for dinner we had squash enchiladas. Believe it or not, they were delicious. In the last week I have worked harder than I have in my whole life. I know it wont get any easier. I accept the challenge. Truth is, I am extremely proud of myself. I have never been prouder. Almost makes it sound like hard work and pride go hand in hand. Huh? Who knew?

Forget Prozac I just need trees.

Taking medication is not something I openly discuss with people. It has been a part of my life for a long time. My childhood was abusive. I went through a lot as a teenager. My emotions just never seemed to be manageable. Its a big reason why I would self-medicate. As I've grown up, through parenting, I'm pretty even tempered. These days, I take my Prozac. We have only been here for a few days but I'm beginning to think that the life I lived perpetuated the use of mood stabilizers. It has been extremely interesting here. We are very isolated. There is no TV, no phone, no internet. It is calm and super quiet. It's so quiet then when I yell for the kids, it echos across the whole yard. The drive to civilization is a curvy road covered in trees. I find myself just smiling. There have been so many deer. I know I wont always get this excited when I see them but right now its amazing. Maybe with a simpler life I wont need anything to "stabilize" my mood. Life in San Diego was always hectic, we were always on the go. I'm beginning to think the stress was self created, the emotions on overload, all because I was just doing too much, and way way too overstimulated. It is really nice here. It feels good. We all feel good. The only thing missing is the husband. We have not accepted an offer on the home in SD. Until that time he has to remain behind. I really miss him. He will feel the peace here too. I think it will be easy to escape the grumpiness, we are running away from. Yesterday we went to a garage sale and I chatted it up with a local mom. She invited us to a playgroup on Wednesday. Also, mentioned the kids are welcome to come over and play with her 3 litters of piglets. The people here are pretty darn nice. I have a lot on my plate, homeschool starts in a little over a week. I have a lot to set up. We wont be getting internet until next week. It is almost nice with out it, I'm sure that will wear off, plus we need it. My youngest sons are pretty sick. I took #5 to the urgent care Friday, he has a double ear infection and phenomena. Now, it sounds like #4 is almost as bad. We have had some rough nights in the sleep department. In the scheme of things, I feel like a badass. I'm handling these 5 kids, unpacking, in the forest by myself. I am feeling great. Forget Prozac, all I need is all these trees....and my kids of course...and my hubby...oh and chocolate...and my parents....and animals...my friends. Well, maybe its more than just trees, but whatever the key to happiness is, I think I'm headed in the right direction!!!

The first day....done done done!

Ok, so we spent all day yesterday unpacking. My dad helped me bring in the mattresses to have  places to sleep. I unloaded the truck with #5 on my back the whole time. I even carried twin mattresses on my shoulder by myself while baby-wearing. I am woman... hear me roar. We set up the crib in one of the upstairs bedrooms. It is the first actually nursery I have had in 5 kids. It was a special moment. A very happy moment. The amount of space is glorious. The kids had the best time. They were riding their bikes off the deck ramp. They played with the new kitchen grandma scored  for $20 off craigslist. They hiked around the property making believe. We ate grapes right off the vine. We spent our first night in the house last night. It was a little scary arriving after dark. There was a deer right in our driveway. The hum and buzz of the grasshoppers was super loud. I tucked the kids in. I will admit I was slightly nervous. I have no cell service in the new house. There is no internet or house phone yet. I felt so disconnected. It was a bit weird but I wasn't scared like I thought Id be. When I took the dog out to pee before bed, a mom and baby deer were right in the front yard. How cool is that? Today we are going to go to Urgent Care. I am pretty sick, so is #2 and #5. Never a dull moment.

One major road trip

Headed out of San Diego about 9am. My mom flew down to make the trip with us. I told her I was just gonna get on the 5 and stay there. "You don't take the 5...Do you?" At that point I just think I must have gotten my freeways confused, so I'll just get on the 15 and go. I did just that. When I started seeing signs for Barstow, I realized I had done something wrong. Well we added about 4 hours to the trip. Eventually made it to Sacramento after 9pm. All the kids were crying. I was seeing double but we made it to a nice hotel. I got a few hours of sleep before the 5-hour energy, coffee, and energy drink I had consumed during the day reared its ugly head. My body had shut down, my mind had went along with it for a little bit until about 3am. I was up from then on. My mind was racing. It was a hectic night with needy babies, pizza delivery guys, broken tv, pets, and noise complaints. We got back on the road about 9am the next morning. The second day I was sore and burnt. We stopped more often. We made it to the new house about 5pm.  The renter was still moving things out, so that was weird. The kids went crazy. Exploring every corner. We took video and pictures. It was pretty awesome. The first night we stayed at my parents house. I was just too tired to make beds happen.

I'm ready...well not ready ready...but ready to go.

Holy Moly, I'm ready to go. Now, the car isn't packed but it will be by tonight. I mean emotionally mentally ready to go. The fact that my hubby isn't coming hurts my feelings.  We have to do what it takes. We will be together soon. The last few days have been overwhelming. We went out the other night, let off some steam. It was exactly what I needed. The night just screamed closure to me. I hugged friends I wont see again, at least for a long time. Friends I expected to be there, didn't show up. Some friends shined beyond any expectation I could ever have. Some friends disappointed. I found clarity. The bar was seedy. I saw so much sadness there, so much loneliness. I saw judgment. I danced like no body was watching. I loved hard and spoke from my heart. When I woke up in the morning, I knew I was done here. I don't want to live this kind of life anymore. There was a moment in all the chaos of the last few days when my husband pulled over the car to take #3 to the bathroom. I watched my little man chase after my big man to make it to the potty in time. I laughed out loud at his little duck feet flying out trying to keep pace. My heart swelled, watching him waddle back to the car holding daddy's hand with pride on his face. I remembered the reason were moving. I have him and 4 other huge reasons. If I just keep reminding myself why I'm really doing this. It is going to be ok. My Babies are everything to me. This new life is for them.

Stress with a capital S

I am so freakin stressed out. My stomach hurts. I feel like I'm on the verge of tears every second of every minute. I want to strangle my husband....literally strangle. We are pretty much not speaking at all. We have nothing nice to say to each other. We got an offer on the house. Our agent is less than helpful. We are receiving advice from every other direction. My head feels like it is going to explode. My mom arrived in town the other day. She is going to drive up to Oregon with me in 3 days. 3 days. 3 days. Tonight we have a night out planned. I need it so desperately. I am at the end of my rope completely. Totally on the verge of a breakdown. I have nothing left to give. I need refueling.  Im hoping this break tonight, the day I have planned for tomorrow will refurbish me enough to get through the next few weeks. I will have all 5 kids in a new house by myself. My intention is to ready the homeschool situation. At this point just thinking about makes me want to crawl in a hole and throw up. So, that's the here and now of it all. Keepin it real!

1 week to go

My children and I leave in one week from today. My emotions are on such a rollercoaster. I'm anxious and super excited. I also feel really sad. I'm even a bit scared. There are people here that mean so much to me, but I know if our bond is strong, our paths will cross again. I will miss the weather. Silly as it may sound, I will miss the 99cent store and GTM. I love to bargain hunt and score a great deal. My mom has been so supportive. Her excitement is very encouraging. Next week, I will begin to get ready for homeschool. We will have a whole room set up as a classroom. How cool is that? Our house isn't getting much action on the market. Hubby is gonna have to stay here until we get a solid offer. This is not ideal. In a perfectly painted dream we would arrive in our new life together. However, until the house sells we still have to pay the mortgage here. We've started saying our good-byes to the ones that want one. Good-byes can be really hard. I think some people would rather skip them. It's either that or we don't matter as much as we thought we did to some people. We are ok with that. This process has really shown me my true friends and family in San Diego. Leaving the true ones is breaking my heart. This is not an easy process. Some think we are crazy, others brave. I think it's a bit of both.

In your eyes

In your eyes, I see love in the truest form.
I see kindness
I see strength
I see beauty
In your eyes, I see my purpose.
I see joy
I see peace
I see light
In your eyes, I see happiness
I see wonder
I see curiosity
I see innocence.
In your eyes, My son
I see me.
When you look at me,
My son,
I. See. Me.

10 signs that Daddy isnt suffering from guilt like I do

Now, I don't want any dads to take offence. I actually admire the ability to self serve. For whatever reason...I am incapable of putting myself first. I blame Mommy guilt. It seems to me dads don't suffer from that same nagging feeling they could be doing better...ALL the time. I always feel like I could do more. Here are the signs I've noticed that men don't struggle with the same guilt moms do.

1. They go to the bathroom alone and with the door closed......they even take their time!!!

2. He watches sports for hours.

3. Dads watch what they want on TV. Sometimes they even change the cartoons.

4. Dads make and eat a snack for and by themselves.

5. Dads seem to have this amazing ability to fall asleep. Anywhere. Through anything....labor, newborns, nightmares, earthquakes, plays, hide n seek....anything.

6. Men can play video games, listen to music, watch TV and it all of a sudden becomes appropriate.

7.  He gets dressed, gets ready, and brushes his teeth first.

8.  He SITS down to eat his meals, even reads the newspaper during breakfast.

9. Dads can take regular showers...ALONE!

10. Daddy isn't trying to make it to every birthday party, event, or get together. It's ok to say no.

As I said, I have noticed this in admiration. I'm totally jealous. Men seem to have an easier time taking a few minutes for themselves. I've said it before and Ill say it again....Mommy guilt is a bitch!

Now we wait....

Now, we sit in a state of transition. The house is clean, I just have to keep it that way. It feels like we are running out of time to take care of the loose ends. At the same time, we are kinda just sitting here, waiting....thinking. I find myself reflecting on the people I have here. I have some absolutely wonderful mommy friends. Mommies that love it and struggle just like I do. Friends that know how it feels to not get enough sleep. Friends who don't get upset when I don't text back right away. Friends that I know I can lean on if I need to. I don't make friends easily, it has taken me along time. I will truly miss my special group of mommy friends.
I also have a few long time friends...friend that have known me from my Vida loca.(crazy life). Friends that may or may not relate to me as a mom, but we are bonded through time.
My husband has an enormous extended family in SD. His amazing grandmother had 8 children. I will miss the big fun family parties. I will miss the family connection for my children.  I tend to be very guarded. Unfortunately, I have not formed overly strong bonds with many in his family. However, there is a good-sized handful that I just love to pieces. They are kind, generous, open loving people. I have always felt very comfortable and accepted  by them. My heart hurts when I think about leaving the people I love in San Diego, My San Diego family. Thank goodness for social media or I would be a blubbering mess. Good-bye is not forever...it's just for now. I may not want to live in SD, but its a great place to visit.

The house is on the market....

The last few days have been full. We cleaned and packed until we could clean and pack no more. The house looks great....and empty. I find it incredibly sad. We have brought 3 children home to this house. We painted over the penciled in growth chart on the wall. All the pictures are gone. We remain waiting with the basics. I suppose this is the time to reflect. The time for closure. I have to admit I am filled with anxiety. It's pretty constant. I wonder if we are doing the right thing. I hope with all my being that this will all work out. I day-dream and fanaticize. I try to picture our new life. I decorate and plan. Most of all I fret and worry. Saturday was the open house. Yesterday, we took the kids on the trolley. As we enter our final weeks in SD, my husband and I rack our brains for things we will miss. We have a list of what we want to do before we go. The kids have always wanted to ride the trolley. I'm really glad we found time. They loved it. Watching their little faces light up will be a memory saturated in pure joy forever. Children have the most amazing ability to make the simplest moments so satisfying. We have been to the beach twice in the last week. I am trying to fill our calendar with fun and farewells. This new undertaking is finally upon us. The children and I depart in 2 weeks from tomorrow. The count down has begun.