Dear Toddler,

To my Dearest Toddler,
          Thank you so much for always being so enthusiastic when you see me. It makes feel special. It makes me feel loved. I love the way you grasp my finger to take me with you. When you get ahead, you look back over your shoulder often to make sure I'm still following. You have learned my trick, sometimes I guide you to a distraction just so I can turn and run the other way. You are so smart. Its just that it can be hard to fold laundry when you find it so fun to lay in the clothes. It can be difficult sweeping the floor when you dance in the pile. It is also not easy to unload the dishwasher when you climb on the door to jump up and down. Sometimes, you even try to grab a knife and run away with it. Aren't you cute? Don't worry, I'm right here. I won't go too far. I'll finish that chore and be right back. It helps me move a lot faster having you repeat "mommy, mommy. mommy" at the door. Your sweet tiny voice melts my heart. You won't always call me Mommy. You can and will say it 1000 times today. Just don't cry. Don't fill with sadness or stress or fear. Don't worry, everything is ok. When I sooth your tears away, I soak up the way you hold onto me. Like I matter. Like I am the only one who can fix it. Don't worry, I will. If I can, I will. You clutch onto me with fingers and hands and feet and toes...like a little monkey. I treasure that hold. You need me. I need you. One of your new favorite things to do is smack me in the face or pull my hair. I'm not a fan of this game but you think it is hilarious. I am also not a fan of how you turn into a gymnast when I'm trying to change your diaper. Of course, you also think that is hilarious. It's ok, I won't change your diapers forever. I love the little conversations we have. You understand everything I'm saying. You reply in wonderfully long sentences. In which maybe I understand two words. It's adorable. You are adorable. I love the way you start laughing when everybody else is laughing, you don't get it but you want to be involved. Your laugh is amazing. Your smile is so stinkin cute and contagious.
Today, you used my lavender lotion to paint on the window. It was beautiful. Even better, you smell delicious. It makes squishing your cheeks and kissing your neck extra fun. Your timing is excellent. Of course, you had just gotten out of the bath. That's ok, we'll do it again tomorrow. All of it. Thank God! Please don't grow up too fast little person. This is a time I'll always cherish.
                                                                                            Love, Mommy
P.S. Thank you for all your mmmmmm long kisses and knee hugs!

Biopsy results are in and I'm feeling good!!!

The "growths" were found to be free from cancer. Whoo hoo!!! I feel a bit guilty celebrating when I know other have faced the agonizing wait for results, yet they did not receive such happy news. I went to bed early last night because the anxiety was eating me alive. However, I was late for my appointment this morning because I had remembered the time incorrectly. When they said they couldn't see me again until Thursday I freaked out a little. The receptionist told me the Dr. was in surgery until after 3. I told her I would return then and wait in the lobby until he saw me. There was no way I was going home to plex for the next 3 days. No Thanks! Anyway, I was seen at about 4pm and told the good news. I hadn't realized how worried I was until I almost didn't get an answer today. I still haven't felt great but at least now I know cancer is not the problem.  Thank you to everyone that prayed for me, did diamoku, or sent love and positive energy my way. I appreciate it! Now, it's time to focus back on the farm!

My baby maker is on the mend.

Surgery went well on Monday. I had 2 growths removed from the inside of my uterus. I am no stranger to surgery. The bright lights, cords, IV, and monitors can be quite intimidating. I have had surgeries where I have been awake with a spinal or completely out. I always feel a bit vulnerable after anesthesia.  This surgery was especially disturbing because I know during my unconscious hour, my lady parts were very exposed. Also, I woke up with a quarter sized burn on my left butt cheek. Its never comforting to wake up and wonder what happened to my butt. LOL! Did the doctor drop the laser or something. Awkward. Anyway, Doc said it went well. He seemed positive. The results will be back in less than 2 weeks. I am a bit sore. Emotionally, I feel a bit grumpy and sad. I guess I am relieved it's over but anxious for the results. There is a chance the surgery has affected my fertility. I honestly doubt it. I'm fertile mertile. At this point I am with out birth control and was told it is possible my IUD caused the growths. Is it time for a permanent birth control??? A snip snip? A tie? Most would say it is. I am terrified of taking the power of my baby maker away. For now, Ill stay present. One day at a time. When I get my results back, I'll decide my next move.

Keeping Bees towards sustainability

I recently purchased a new innovation in Bee Keeping. It is a hive that requires less disturbance to the bees and makes retrieving honey easier. I have been interested in bee keeping for a few years now. My tattoo artist and I got in a long conversation about his own bee keeping. It was inspiring. If the purpose of our homestead is to be more sustainable, it makes sense to produce our own sweetener. As I am allergic to bees, I wasn't sure how to approach keeping bees. The new bee hive system is set to arrive in December, all the way from Australia. It set us back almost $700, including the shipping. In between now and then I plan to join a beekeeping group to learn all I can. The hope is that by next summer we will be producing our own honey.  Also by next summer I would like to be producing our own goats milk and making cheese. Our chicken coop and garden are in the works now. Over the next year we will build up our flock substantially. If all of these plans play out, we will be swimming in eggs, honey, veggies, fruits, and goats milk by next summer. Sounds sustainable, right?  I have a vision of a self pay stand set up at the end of our drive-way filled with our bounty. Our neighbors could stop by, grab, pay. and go. It could contribute to our homestead bringing in an income.  A few other thoughts we have considered for an income is raising meat rabbits or pigs. We will breed our mini pig and guardian dogs. The pigs go for $500 and the puppies $400. My husband is currently taking a small engine/farm equipment class at the college. This is a skill we will need, be able to trade locally, and even possibly bring in an income. I feel pretty darn satisfied with our current progress. I am really looking forward to our intended growth and grateful to be sharing it with all of you!

Spring Break, Health, Foster parenting, Food Snob, and Homesteading

I feel like I should apologize for not writing in a while. I've been busy....moody...uninspired. Time to get back on the horse. We had visitors for our spring break. Our friends, the only other family of 7 I know, came from San Diego for 4 days. It was a lot of cooking and cleaning. A lot of noise. A lot of fun!

The surgery to remove my Uterine "growths" is scheduled in about 2 weeks. I have been feeling ok. There have been a few uncomfortable days. They are probably not cancer, at least that is what I have been telling myself. Hopefully, when they are gone, with them goes the pain.

My husband and I have begun our foster parenting classes. It is twice a week. We are both really enjoying them. Things here are so much more real, less bureaucratic. It is a really nice group of people, both teachers and participants.  Last nights class was about sexual abuse. They said 85% of children in foster care have been abused. It was eye opening, heart breaking, and inspiring at the same time. I want a chance to show love to children that have never felt it before. It is so beyond disgusting what some people are capable of, especially to the most innocent.

Speaking of the innocent, I feel like animals are taken advantage of and treated poorly by the human race. I don't eat meat and I avoid almost all animal products. It's not exactly that I think eating meat is wrong. It is the way meat and dairy is produced in this country. It's quite the opposite of happy animals frolicking in pastures as some may picture. It's filthy, extremely crowded, infected, and evil. I personally can't take part in it. I never wanted to label myself "vegan". I just want to enjoy healthy, organic, non-gmo, cruelty free sustenance. It appears I have become a bit of a food-snob. Even better, so have my children. We went to the auction again. My daughter leaned over and said. "It is so sad watching all these people poisoning themselves." She was referring to the mass consumption of soda, huge plates of gmo corn chips covered in synthetic cheese, hot dogs, and cotton candy. It's especially sad seeing kids eat that way.

On the home front, we have been making some great progress. We scored some amazingly cheap fencing, T posts, and chicken wire off craigslist. The garden has been plotted. My husband and I built a rabbit hutch out of reclaimed wood. We got a little male lion head bunny at the auction. His poop will be a nice addiction to our compost. Missy pig has moved outside. She went into heat and forgot how to use the litter box, so out she went. There is a lot more to do in the next couple months. Our guardian puppies need to come home so the property fence has to go up. The fruits and veggies need to go in the ground in about a month. It's a busy but beautiful time on the homestead!

Rain Rain go away....and Cancer...you go away too!

We took a few days to visit Portland. It was pleasant and stressful.  Lots of crying. One kid got sick. We didn't get to go to the children's museum. Visited some amazing people and ate some fantastic food. I am serious, eating in Portland is on a whole different level. Everyone must try it!

I have been pretty impressed with the amount of rain since we moved here. It really hasn't rained as much as I thought it would. However, spring is here and it is still raining. Apparently, March and April are the rainy months. Arg...I'm so over the rain. It will be wonderful for our garden. A few dry days to build our new chicken coop and begin planting would be welcome.

I haven't been feeling too good lately. I'm sure the lack of sun has something to do with it. My woman "cycle" has been pretty much nonstop. I have a lot of body aches, cramps, and back pain. I have been pursuing medical answers. Yesterday, during a pelvic ultrasound/exam two masses were found in my uterus. I will have surgery soon to have them removed and tested. Of course, I am nervous but I will do my best to try not to worry. Yep...it might be cancer...and it might not. So for now, rain and cancer go away!

As a person...a parent...a partner...I'm running out of steam. What is the solution?

The demands on us in life are never ending. What is the answer when you just feel like you are running out of steam? I heard someone once say to not think about it. It's pointless to antagonize about all that's overwhelming. Shut up, put up, and show up. I do. Often. Don't dwell...just handle it. The last few days have been stressful. Nothing in particular has happened. I just feel bad for the kids. I am running out of patience. The sound of their voices is driving me crazy. I have stopped hearing the content of their verbal diarrhea completely. I pretty much want to hide. Which of course, isn't going to happen. We spend an enormous amount of time together. The hubby is getting on my nerves too. I need a break. I need to recoup. Again, not going to happen. So what is the solution? What does one do when they are running on empty and refueling isn't in sight? This would be the fantastic part where I come up with an incredible answer, but I don't have one. I guess I'll muddle through until a great night of sleep refreshes me or maybe I just need a kick in the pants. As of now, my baby is refusing to go to sleep so I'll go sooth him, suppressing my desire to throttle instead.