A day in the life

I thought it might be good to paint the picture of a typical day so far. I usually wake up between 7-8am. If I'm lucky, I will have gotten 4 hours of consecutive sleep. The baby still wakes up once a night at least. There are nights when others join him. Last night was one of those. My son, #3, peed his bed in the middle of the night. When, I wake up I immediately serve cearl to #3 who is ALWAYS the first to get up. It's the first thing he says every morning "can I have cearl?" I make coffee. Somewhere in there, I feed the cats and dogs. Then its probably time to get up #5. I change his diaper and feed him breakfast. By then all 5 are up so I change #4s diaper. Everybody gets breakfast. Sometimes, its farm fresh eggs, today it's watermelon and cearl. My babies drink soy milk so they can get constipated easily, so I like to serve a lot of fruit. Right about now, I get to sit down on the computer for a few. Drink my coffee, FB, blog and check my email. It's my "me" time. Everybody gets ready, dressed, brushed, and cleaned. I try to start homeschool between 9-10am. It usually depends on the night we had before or how much work we have to do. From about 10-noon, I juggle schooling my girls and entertaining my boys. My mom comes over to help a lot. Then it's lunch time. I make lunch, serve lunch, clean up after lunch. If all goes well with the babies, #4 & 5, go down for a nap. It's back to homeschooling. Now, on Tuesday and Thursday, we bump nap up so we can go to homeschool P.E. at the YMCA from 1:30-3. We haven't mastered homeschool so it varies when we finish. I try to fit in an activity that we can all do together like play dough, painting, or if I'm really tired, a movie. Then it's time to make dinner, serve dinner, clean up the kitchen. I usually do dishes in the morning and evening. Hopefully at some point I threw a load of laundry in. If the girl are working on something independently, Ill fold clothes while they are on the computers for school. My oldest has a lot more independent work than #2. Dinner time is at about 5. Sticking to a schedule makes life abit easier. My kids thrive on the routine. Heaven forbid I try to stray, that's when we have meltdowns and freakouts. It's never a good idea to miss nap or a meal. It does happen, I usually accept my fate if I veer off schedule. After dinner, I clean, put away clothes, give baths, feed pets, and read stories. It's been nice, there is no furniture in the living room so we wrestle on the floor, play superman(I lift them with my feet), and read books. I'm pretty darn tired by 8pm. The kids realize we begin a countdown til mean mommy shows up. Everybody brushes their teeth. I tuck them in. In their own rooms...every single one of them. It is so neat they all have their own rooms. In SD, the three oldest shared one room. Bed time takes longer but its ok. My patience lasts about to that point. Its when they get up, get water, go to the bathroom, or do things they should have done already that then I start making threats. The baby has started going down around the same time so Ive been getting  a couple hours at night. I blog, FB, or search Craigslist for furniture. My husband and I chat on the phone. Ive even been reading.  I switch between a book for entertainment and a Buddhism book every other night. Sometimes, I stay up too late reading because I relish the alone time. Like last night, I was up til 1am. shame on me. So that's that....a typical day!

A Golden Shower

Are you kidding me? When I woke up this morning my back was killing me and soaked. Now, I thought I had sweated profusely in pain. Which in itself is gross, never happened, and a weird explanation I told myself. Anyway, just now I went to put on the sweatshirt I slept in last night and it totally smelled like pee. First thought, did I pee the bed? Second thought, wait a minute...#3 crawled in bed with me last night. Did he pee in my bed? I smelled my sheets, a faint smell lingered. That little turd didn't pee on my bed...he peed on me. Needless to say, sheets are in the wash. My bedtime will be delayed about an hour. The glamorous life of parenting! Who doesn't love a golden shower?Today, was ok. My older girls were at a goat show over the weekend with my parents. It was good to have them home this morning. We didn't get a lot of school work done but enough. My daughter, #2, had a  live lesson with her teacher. Apparently she is at the top of her class. They were concerned because she scored so low on the written test. Todays test was oral, #2 blew them away. Goes to show all kids learn and understand differently. I took the kids to swim lessons. I still feel like an outsider. Like I need to introduce myself with a disclaimer stating that I'm from San Diego. It's almost like I'm on a really long vacation. It's just not home yet. I understand that this will take time. Now, that I think about it....today was pretty damn good, #1 made her first friend. They met in swim, even hugged goodbye. My heart swelled with happiness, this is a big step for her. She wants a friend here so badly. I think we all do.

Where did my sexy go?...Bring it Back!!!

We all know the saying that youth is wasted on the young. Aint that the truth. I was driving home from the kids swim lessons(we have become pretty involved at the YMCA) listening to Techo, reminiscing. There are times when all these kids make me feel so old. I'm not....right? At least I didn't think I was when I turned 30, but now I'm 36 and OLD. Dance music always makes me want to be in a club dancing my butt off. Which of course is not the same. It's more sad than sexy now. At times, I miss my pre-motherhood days. The days when I was only responsible for myself. I partied hard. Too hard. I was carefree, spot free, wrinkle free. Of course at the time, I didn't appreciate my young skin or metabolism. These days I'm much softer....everywhere...might even be saggy in a few places. Life goes by so fast. I took so much for granted. I wish I could dip back into the fountain of youth just to borrow some skin elasticity...some energy...some perkiness(in more way than one). What happened? Where did my sexy go? I turned into a frumpy mom. I exchanged night clubs for nighttime feedings and diaper changes. Adorable outfits with midriffs showing to cotton fabrics with elastic waste bands.
Don't get me wrong...motherhood is everything to me. I just wish I could bring some of my sexy back!

Love is Boring!

In my unpacking today, I came across some old correspondence with past "loves". In rereading some of it, it occurred to me how unlike my marriage is to my past relationships. To put it simply, It's boring! I think real love is patient. Love is not jealous. It's unchanging. It's predictable. It is not hysterics. It is not screaming and name calling. Love is not dysfunctional. There is no physical or verbal abuse in love. Love is not a game. Manipulation and guilt are not love. Control is not love. Fear and uncertainty are not love. Betrayal is not love. Love is peaceful. It's compassion. It's shared, exchanged, given, and taken. There is no one side. There are no lies. Love is acceptance and understanding. It's listening. Love is pretty fair. It is not filled with anxiety. It's not a rollercoaster. Love is constant. Love is not a mess. It's really not that complicated. It is not insecurity or sleepless nights. There is no punching in love. No kicking! No choking! Hugs...there is hugs. Holding and kissing. Love is connection. It's warm. Love is calm. Love is comfort. Love is everyday and every night. Real love is so much less dramatic. Love is safe. Love is home. Love is steady. It doesn't hurt. Truth be told true love is kinda boring!

Frickinfrackinfarfegnugen

Arg!!!! Well, today did not go quite as planned. I got lost on the way to the homeschool orientation, basically I missed it. They explained the waiting list was super long anyway, so back to the drawing board. We got an offer on the house. I should say we got an insult. My husband is so desperate to move he's ready to bend over and ask for lube.  His negativity can be so draining, I question even wanting him here. Of course I want him here. We are a family. We belong together. Right? His closeminded grumpiness can be very grounding for my unrealistic optimistic flightiness, but right now I just want to kick him in his babymaker. Ok, deep breath. It's just a house. It's just money. In the big picture we just want to be together...here! I am trying to convince him to make that happen. We will figure out the rest as it comes. He is practical, hardworking, and responsible so throwing caution to the wind is not in his nature. I want him to set a date...put in his notice and make the move. This fractioned reality is not our dream come true. To make it come true we have to take these risks. Problem is, he's probably right. It is too much to have two mortgages to pay, cobra health insurance, and support 5 kids with no job. Damn him for being such a good man. I'd probably be traveling in an RV by now, selling trinkets by the freeway. Solely, feeding my kids on love and good vibes. He is the Yin to my Yang. Maybe, he is the Yang? I cant help wanting to spew profanity, I just want the separation to be over.

A few exciting things today

Way too much chaos to get too into it, but a few exciting things are happening today.

1. Going to an Orientation for a different homeschool program. I'm not totally thrilled with the current curriculum so I want to see what else is available.

2. It's raining. We are getting a taste of some real Oregon weather.

3. The pig lady called me, remember, I met her at her garage sale. She invited us to come see her piglets sometime. We exchanged numbers. I had called her a few weeks back. She returned my call today. We've been invited to her house this weekend and a playgroup next Wednesday! A possible friend! Whoohooo!


4 .My husband shipped my cloth diapers, they will help reduce our trash output. It's a start. I couldn't believe I hadn't brought them. Plus I'm expecting a few more from a local mom who hand makes them.

5.We found an expectant live stock guardian dog. Hopefully we will have a new family member in 7-8 weeks. Actually, have a few new family members on the horizon. All of which have four legs...just to be clear!

The one thing I do everyday.

I'm beginning to wonder when this blog is going to be about homesteading. I guess its understandable that at this point, not much is happening in that department.  This property has so much potential. I can't wait to begin a garden and get farm animals. These days we get up, the main focus is homeschool. Homeschool is taking up a considerable amount of my energy. On top of my new found teacher role. I am playmate, chef, housekeeper, unpacker, mover, and to be frank-slave. I spend a majority of my time fulfilling the wishes of my five little masters. They often flit about like royalty throwing their trash on the floor, demanding drink and sustenance. It is wearing on me. Another future focus is sustainability. I am blown away by the amount of trash this family produces. It's one thing in suburbia when they wisk it away each week-outta sight outta mind. Here, it's my responsibility, its a lot and it's offensive. Granted we are a large family, but millions of families produce trash like this each week. Where is it going? They must be running out of room. No wonder there is a trash island the size of Texas floating in the ocean. Anyway, this blog is supposed to be about me being in the moment. While homesteading and sustainability are my goals. We are far from them. In fact, so far not one thing besides the actual move has happened to get us in that direction.  One thing I do is take a moment to manifest. This will be a beautiful homestead. We will be much more sustainable. Today, we are here. We are moving in the right direction. It's hard to accomplish much past keeping 5 kids alive on a daily basis. As they grow, we will work together to make this dream come true. Another thing I do everyday is make sure I have a moment with every single one of them. The phrase "be in the moment" is thrown around often. Its much easier said then done. Giving 5 kids all the attention they need is impossible. But I can spare a moment. Some are quick others longer. We need that connection. I make sure that whether its a solid real hug, eye contact to tell them I'm proud, a walk just the two of us, an intentional pause where I really listen, or sitting down to play. I give all 5 of my children a moment every single day!

A road trip down memory lane

Parenting is not an easy thing. The guilt. The pressure. There was a time when my parents were raised or even when I was raised the standard was lower.  Parents worried less about their children's "feelings". Their job was to feed, shelter, and get them outta the house at 18. Children were to be seen not heard. I listened to my mom tell my kids about a road trip we went on when I was around 7years old. We crossed the United Sates in 7days in a two door hatchback. My parents chain smoked the entire time. It was during the cold month of December. We were lucky if the windows were cracked an inch. To top off that wonderful aroma, our dog had an explosive case of diarrhea and vomiting for about 3 days of the trip. Remember, I said hatchback. I asked my mom if my sister and I complained. She shook her head no. My daughter said "geez, I would have said are we there yet a hundred times". I do remember occasionally asking if they would open the window because the smell was so bad. This amazes me because I have so little memory of my childhood. I look at that story now from a different perspective. I think how awful that must have been for my mom. Being that Im a mom now, it occurs to me how rough it would be. However, I also find it intriguing how little our(my sister's and I) feelings were taken into consideration. I can't imagine putting my kids through that. It seems now a days children are given more of a voice. Raising them goes beyond getting them out the door at 18. More parents are making a concerted effort not to screw them up. In fact, parenting today takes it a step further. Not only are we trying not to screw them up but we are trying to make them better..way way BETTER! They have full schedules, we entertain them, take them places just for them, throw over the top birthday parties, spoil them, enrich them, have them in sports, dance, and sign language. When did it change? I didn't complain in the car on that horrible road trip because it wouldn't have been heard. When did we start listening to our kids? Do we listen to them too much? There is something to be said about being able to go on a road trip, all hell breaking loose and your kids don't whine, grumble, or complain. There has to be a balance between listening to them and them knowing when to shut the fuck up.

Are you a believer?

This week I signed the girls up for a homeschool PE class twice a week at the YMCA.  It seems my oldest might be getting a little depressed due to the lack of social interaction. They had a great time. I stayed to watch the first class, I knew they were nervous...so was I. It took them a bit, but they got into it. A major difference I have noticed here is people look each other in the eye and smile. It seems to be an invitation to strike up a convo or at least a greeting. During the first class another mother approached me, smiled, sat down, and we began chatting. Very nice! Towards the end of the class she asked if she could pray for me. I said "sure" and took her hand. "I can use all the prayers I can get". She then said she loves that I am humble. God loves it too. She said a nice prayer, class ended and we parted ways. Today, she asked me if I was a believer. My response was somewhat vague. Towards the end of todays convo, she said she cares about me and my family. So, my big question is...can we be friends? Now, nothing I say is meant to offend anyone. Please just see it as my perspective. I would say I am a believer. I am a believer in magic and beauty. I believe in fate. I believe we have a purpose. I believe it is not my place to judge anyone. I believe I don't know the answers. I believe in love. Love is my religion. I practice Buddhism. I believe in karma. I believe we are all one. I'm pretty sure she was asking me if I believed in Jesus. Of course I do, he existed. Now, here is where things can get a little tricky. This woman is a Jesus freak. She is not your standard run of the mill Christian. Again, I don't mean to offend. She mentioned she homeschools her children because they don't teach the right history in public school. So, now we are going down the road of Jesus and dinosaurs. That may be a bit too much for me. Is it possible to be close friends with someone who's beliefs vastly differ from my own? I don't eat meat, I have lots of friends that do. I'm pretty liberal but I have republican friends. I'm a free-thinking, tattooed, hippie type...could I be friends with a born-again, conservative holy roller? We have motherhood in common. We both have 5 children. She is the first to have reached out to me. I wonder though, is it because I look like I need saving?? She is very nice but has that blank "come into the light" look in her eyes. I guess I'll just go with it. I like prayers. Prayers are powerful. It is important that we discuss our feelings, wants, needs with the powers that be. There is nothing more beautiful than someone wishing good things for you. It is a blessing when another takes time to share positive energy with someone. Love is love. It really doesn't have to be that complicated. Now, if she starts trying to "save" me, we may have a problem.

Bitter sweet!

I am making an effort in this blog to be honest and forthcoming. Honest is easy for me but the whole forthcoming thing is not at all. I'm not much of a liar. Almost always tell the truth, but maybe not the whole truth. When it comes to my personal life, I have learned to be very private. I'm trying to overcome that. Who cares what people think? I want to be me...be ok with it...be open...and own my shit. No Secrets! Well, not quite that forthcoming, I'll start with open. My husband left today from his 5 day visit. I have mixed feelings. I had mixed feelings though the whole visit. There were parts of me that loved having him here. I loved hanging out with him after the kids went to bed. I love that he is strong. I loved having help with the kids. I loved watching him give a stab at homeschool.
I loved making plans for the property together. He takes care of me. On the other hand his constant dishing out of reality was driving me crazy. "Where are we gonna get the money for that?" There was lots of eye rolling. I'm a glass half full kinda person and he definitely sees it as half empty. My husband has a large persona. It feels like he takes over a bit. Even worse, I let him. It's not something I really noticed before. I've been running the show...doing everything myself...my way. It was a challenge to not resent him. I'm pretty sure all these feelings are normal. Marriage is a funny thing....not always sugar and roses. The emotions can range all the way from adoration to disgust in a single day. In the end, when we returned home from the airport, it just didn't feel right here without him. As gruff as he is. He's ours. We need him here! Until then, I'll be honest, I'll enjoy sleeping sprawled out in the middle of the bed.

Can't start slippin now

I have been strong, brave, and going non-stop since I got here. The hubby came for a visit late Thursday night. It almost seemed like my subconscious gave the ok to fall apart. Back up had arrived. I was the only doer of anything getting done so I could not not do anything. The green light was given, so my body started to give out on me. I woke up Saturday morning in a lot of pain. After I moaned around a bit, hubby decided we were going to the ER. I tried to convince him I was fine. I could take a pain killer, we didn't have to change our beautifully planned day. I lost. Ended up I had a hemorrhagic Ovarian Cyst. We spent most of the morning figuring that out. They gave me pain meds. We did make it to the YMCA in the late afternoon. I was so worried I had let the kids down. I know they had been really looking forward to the fun we had planned. Yesterday, was #5s 1st birthday. We took it easy, watched football, BBQ'd, ate lots of goodies, and had a great day. This morning my hubby got a taste of what homeschool is like. Then I took advantage of the extra muscle and we did some more unpacking. I'm supposed to be resting but I've never been overly good at that. I can't start slippin now.

Love is kind-Be Love!

Nothing is promised in this life. Some people tend to have a why me attitude.  Truth is, why not? We take tomorrow for granted. This moment will never happen again. We don't get this time back. Our life is a gift. I think it's time everyone embraces what they truly want. There is no point living in fear. Its a waste of time to deny ourselves happiness. Life is filled with an enormous amount of pressure. Pressure to earn, pressure to succeed. pressure to buy. All this pressure is just a distraction from what we really want. What do we really need? It's hard to figure it out when we are so go, go, go all the time. My life has slowed down considerably. I have a lot more time to think, sometimes too much. All we need is love. Cheesy...right? We need to stop separating ourselves from each other. We need to focus on what makes us the same, not different. Everybody struggles. Everybody hurts. Let the judgment go, open your heart with compassion. There is a lot of pain in this world. I've been told we cannot experience true joy without the internal comparison of pain. I suppose that is true. In reality, things could always be better or they could be much worse. Accept now as it is. Accept each other. Accept me as I am. I accept you. Embrace today, tomorrow is not promised! Embrace me! I will embrace you! Live in the moment. Exchange patience. Love each other. Love me. I love you!

A little Pep talk

I have been pretty exhausted the last few days. Yesterday, I took all the kids to the Farmer's Market in town. It is a beautiful thing. We had spinach tamales. Then bought strawberries and chocolate bread. After, we went to the Dollar tree, Big Lots, and Fred Myer. It was a long day. When we got home we cranked dance music, unloaded the car and partied in the carport. By the time dinner rolled around, I was pretty zombiefied. After I put the kids the bed, I had a little pep talk with myself. Yes, this is hard! But, I am doing a really good job. I need to be proud of myself. There are people in my life now who wouldn't believe the type of person I was. It was not pretty. I was not good or kind. I did bad things. I was broken. Today, I'm a pretty damn strong woman. I own my shit. I keep my word. I always try to do the right thing. I am a superhero of a mother. I face fears. I don't fold. I try...really hard and sometimes I need to cut myself a break. A friend recently suggested I do the bare minimum for a day. Now, the bare minimum with 5 kids is still a lot. However, today we took it easy. I even took a nap. I'm feeling a little better. Ready to face another week of homeschool. Plus, my hubby is coming on Thursday. I'm excited. Happy Sunday everybody!

What a rollercoaster of a day!

Not sure exactly where to start. Homeschool this morning was rather uneventful. I find #1s lessons to be a bit boring and dare I say, dumb. She is pretty darn smart so the information is way too easy for her. After a long discussion with my parents last night, I decided to visit the private school in town today. I have been there a few times in the past, as this move has been 4 years in the making. I do love it. It's adorable. The classes are super small. I had a great convo with the admin lady, met the incredibly sexy 6th grade teacher (Um...Hello Sir), and saw another 6th grade girl pushing a micro pig around in a stroller. :) I left there feeling confused. It's a pretty neat school. Is it worth the money? Would it help us acclimate to the community? Oh, I forgot to mention before we even left the house today, the Love machine caught on fire. Yeah, so that was exciting. I'm not exactly sure what happened but I caught a glimpse of my dad running past the window. When I went outside I could smell the smoke. I corralled all the kids in the house, then ran as fast as I could to get a hose. The fire went out without any major incidents. The full extent of the damage to the van is unknown yet. I am just happy it didn't explode. Hooray for not starting a major forest fire today. Score one for us! Oh and of course, Hooray, no one was hurt. I had actually started today finding my dog eating an animal leg on the porch. Every morning he has been bringing home new treasures. ( I think I mentioned the possum?) This body part was relatively fresh. The neighbor across the street has a 100acre sheep/goat farm. The leg seemed goatish perhaps? It was actually kind of cute because we turned it into a homeschool lesson. Again, using the "scientific method" we decided to "investigate". We took a little walk over to her house. Apparently she had put one of her goats down, cut off its legs and fed them to her guardian dogs. I find it weird...why would you feed parts of the animal to the dogs trained to protect to them.  But ok...mystery solved. Anyway, the morning was hectic to say the least. After the Open house, we went to a children's resale shop about 40 minutes away. Then we went to Costco. It wasn't a complete nightmare but it wasn't pretty. By this time it was after 5pm.  We were all tired, hungry, and grumpy so it was less than pleasant. We got out of Costco after 7pm. The icing on the cake for today is my husbands phone call right about then.  Bad news, the buyer backed out on the house in SD. We were so close. We were almost all back together again. Back to square one! What a let down! What a rollercoaster of emotions. For as tired as I am, I cant believe how much I wrote....guess I had to get it out.

When at first you don't succeed, try try again...

Deep breath....huge exhale. Today was SO much better. Thank all the Gods. I was ready to pack it all up, head right back to SD. I tend to set very high expectations. Of course they are never met and I find myself disappointed more often than not. Yesterday was chaos. I felt like such a failure. The language program both of the girts were in was pretty phenomenal. Had I taken them out to receive a half assed education from their overwhelmed mother? Good News, the answer is no. We are doing homeschool so we can spend more time together. Another reason is because at this stage in their lives, I want to be the biggest influence. Today, I felt capable. I enjoyed teaching them. When #2 struggled, I addressed the issues, I explained. She could get lost in a crowded classroom, but with our one on one interaction I was sure she grasped the material. We finished in enough time, that we spent the rest of the day at the lake. We practiced some of the "scientific method" we had learned in class.  Thank you for the encouraging words. Thank you for believing in me when I had my doubts. This is all so new.

May have to come up with a plan B

In the interest of being totally honest, I don't really want to write this blog today. I wish I could say that homeschool was fabulous but it wasn't. I think people follow this blog and are generally curious as to how it went. So here it goes... The school is online based. I am less than tech savy. I found myself getting a bit confused. The actual material is super easy. It's so easy, it's boring. What I was hoping would only take the morning pretty much took the whole day. I'm not sure I can balance homeschool and 3 other little boys that need my attention. As I suspected #2 is going to be a challenge. "I'm Bored". "I don't like this""When is it going to be over" "I'm hungry". I don't know if something is in the air up here but these kids are eating like crazy. On top of school I fixed a great breakfast to start their first day. In the morning we started out pretty well. We stretched, talked about the rules, set up a reward system...it was fun. A few hours into the lessons, I was exhausted. They were exhausted. It was pretty much downhill from there. The local schools cover a huge part of the county because its so rural. After going to the parade yesterday, I am really not interested in them attending public school here. My other option is to switch the homeschool curriculum. I have also found a private school, which of course costs money. Money we don't have. Money we may have to find somewhere. That's all for today folks. Good news is I get to it all again tomorrow.

Homeschool here we come!

Today has been a long day. I am overly tired. I wish I was sleeping right now but #5 isn't quite tired yet. I'm as ready as I'll ever be for tomorrow. I feel an immense amount of pressure. No matter how I am feeling, no matter how tired, the kids are counting on me to pull it together. I have to put on my big girl pants and attack homeschool with enthusiasm. My kids are always counting on me, its what gets me out of bed everyday. Homeschooling is a big responsibility. I sure hope I'm up to the task. I hope I get a good nights sleep. I have #2s science project all laid out. We will be making lily pads and observing pretend frogs.  The internet situation here is less than desirable. I can't get the signal to reach the classroom I have all set up. We will use laptops tomorrow until I can find a solution. Well, #5 just bite my toes super hard so I guess he's ready for bed. Here goes nothing, Homeschool here we come.

Lonley and tired

Well I think I've reached my max. We have been gone for 2 weeks. I was really on a roll with everything. Actually Ive been pretty amazed at how I've handled all 5 kids and the move. It hit me last night around bed time. I am so tired. I really miss my husband. Last night when #5 woke up in the middle of the night I mumbled "Babe...can you get him? I cant take it anymore" Of course he isn't here so I dragged my exhausted behind outta bed for the millionth time. I need my back up. I'm running on fumes. Today we got up quickly and headed to the labor day parade in town. I was out of coffee, hence I was grumpy. The parade was cheesy. The kids had an ok time so that was good. The town is small, grungy, funky, and eclectic. There was a period right out of high school where I took part in many a hippie music festival and raved hard. I was definitely reminded of those days. Good times, well they were then. I'm not so sure how I feel about them now. It's gonna take me awhile to get down with the dirty tye-dye, pot smoking, no bra wearing types again. I have always found bras to be super uncomfortable. I think Ill start there.