A turning point.....a true story!

As I was packing, I came across an old journal. It has a pretty cool story in it so I thought Id share, I've always liked to write but this story stuck out, it was definitely a turning point in my life....not really in a good way either.

The sound of brakes screeching and a loud crash interrupted my nightly ritual of making dinner. My inner voice said "You have to go". Who knew that sound would begin an internal collision in me. A collision of who I had been, what I had become, and how it was all about to change. I ran out of my house just in time to see a large dark figure land in the street. At first, I thought it was a baby carriage. My head cleared, I continued running closer, I could make out a man laying in the road. His motorcycle down 30ft behind him. He was badly injured. His limbs lay in abstract directions, surrounded by blood. A large piece of  plastic had punctured his helmet, appearing to be imbedded in his head. I knelt next to the man and said "I'm an H.H.P and I'm here to help." Now, having just graduated from school, I could officially attach the label; Holistic Health Practitioner to my name. A man of the other side of his body immediately lashed out at me. "I know what you are. You get the fuck outta here." Completely taken a back by his accusing tone, I backed up for a moment. The cruel bystander began fumbling around, grasping at the injured mans arm. The bone was obviously protruding, as he grabbed it he would ask, "Can you feel this?" Worried, I stepped closer, kneeling next to the wounded man. "What's your name?" I asked. He was conscious but very confused. "Peter" he replied. "Peter, my name is Holly. You have been in an accident. You are ok. You just need to stay still." I comforted.  The angry man, still on the other side of Peter, barked at me. "Get away from him you Bitch, I know what you are. I know what you do...I know you." Peter was suffering, in a whisper he pleaded, "Please, Stop Fighting!" Again, I backed off, trying to maintain some sort of peace to a darkening situation. The aggressive man began ranting about how he was a medic in the military. He began to attack Peter with a spew of questions. "Do you know where you are?" Do you know what day it is?" Do you know what happened?" Peter's eyes rolled back in his head. His head began turning slowly back and forth as he moaned..." I don't know" and started to cry. I could see panic spread over his face. At this point, Mr. Ex-military began to remove his helmet, which as I mentioned had been pierced. I lunged forward and growled "Do not touch him."  I knew if he moved that helmet anymore, he could kill Peter. Mr. Ex-military swung his arm at me yelling "Get out of here Bitch." Just in time, the ambulance arrived. As they put Peter on to the gurney, I went into a daze. It was as if I was watching him in an old silent movie. Time moved so slowly. They lifted him into the ambulance, people surrounded me. They all began speaking at once. "That guy was an asshole... You did the right thing....Are you ok?" I could hear them but it seemed so far away. At that moment, the EMT's had cut Peters shirt open. The most heavenly light came pouring out of the material as it separated. Glorious bright white light shot out of Peter's chest. In that one second, it was all I could see, all I could hear. Shinning like a thousand diamonds, ringing with the sweet sound of bells laid a very simple silver cross on Peter's chest. In that split second, I experienced something that is indescribable with words. It was mind-blowing, then it was gone. The ambulance doors closed. My ears flooded with the voices of the people around me. In the blink of an eye, time jumped back to it's normal pace. However, I would never be the same. I walked away for the accident scene...fuzzy...being bombarded with comments and questions. I mumbled "Did you see that cross?" Dazed and confused I made it back to my duplex. I felt delirious and overwhelmed.  When inside, I broke down sobbing. My boyfriend at the time asked in a condescending tone "Why do you do stuff like that if your just gonna cry?" I looked at him, I saw the truth. He didn't really know me. He didn't understand. In that moment, I knew our relationship was over. I had become a healer. After a year of intensive self-realization, meditation, schooling, self healing and repair, I had become a healer. Now, here was my first experience outside of the peaceful walls of school. It was the first time I had attached the initials H.H.P to my name. My boyfriend put me down. Even worse, the world criticized me. That angry ex-military having a flashback jerk passed judgment on me. Now, you would think this is the part of the story where I have an epiphany. No, I'm writing this 5 years later. At that time, I became filled with self doubt and loneliness. My relationship was over. The relationship I had isolated myself in for way too long ended. I had no friends. In addition I was filled with fear. Fear of my intuition. Fear of my ability. Afraid and full of grief, I turned to my old buddy; drugs. This time it was different. It wasn't fun. It was an all out consumption of my soul. I remained a healer but destroyed myself.

So...that's it...it has notes for more but that's all that was written in story form. Incident happened about 14 years ago. Obviously, I have rebuilt from said destruction.

Putting one foot in front of the other

At this point stress is crushing down on me like a ton of bricks. When I think about all that needs to be done, I want to curl up crying in the fetal position. I believe I am very good at handling 5 children. At times or almost all the time, that's all I can handle. It has been hard to have so much more to accomplish on a daily basis than just them. I am in awe of people with out kids. I often wonder what my time would be spent doing if I wasn't feeding, changing, chasing, raising these 5 children. 24 hours a day. 7 days of the week. Before kids it was mostly self-destruction. Truth be told, I take it as a blessing. These kids keep me honest....keep me on the straight and narrow. That being said, I would give anything for a 24hour break. I'm completely maxed. This journey is so overwhelming. The path in front of me is so scary. Today, I'm doing my best to stay in the moment. Stay calm. Focus on the here and now. ...just putting one foot in front of the other. One step at a time, we are gonna make it!

Some real honesty for ya...

Short and sweet. Stress and I are not friends. I have limited coping skills for stress. The last few days have been ugly. Shits about to get real. If I'm speaking to my kids, I'm probably yelling. I have absolutely lost all patience. It's gone. Totally gone. I have no idea where to find more. I yanked my daughters shirt off her head yesterday because I had told her to take it off 3 times. I burst into tears 3 times yesterday. My husband and are arguing constantly. He is driving me crazy. In case he ever reads this, which you may have guessed, he does not, I will spare you the embarrassing details. However, yesterday he spent 45 minutes talking about sex, all the while all I wanted to do was stab him in the neck. We have so much work to do. The house was supposed to go on the market tomorrow. Well, that's not gonna happen. Gotta go! If he catches me writing this, they'll be another fight....but I had to vent. I want to SCREAM!!!! One more thing, I hate painting!

What its really like to have all these kids...

It's digging through the trash can at 8:30pm looking for Iron Man's head. (Thinking we'd never see the body again, I threw it there this morning, Well, guess who showed up?)

It's using #4s shorts as a baby wipe.

It's never getting a good night sleep. NEVER. ever!

It's forgetting to brush my teeth.

It's remembering at the last minute to change out of my PJs before I leave the house.

It's a lot of snuggles, hugs, and kisses

It's cooking dinner in a hot house to have not one child like it

It's sweet tiny voices and little hands holding

It's laughter, screaming, crying, running, singing, stomping, fighting, jumping,

It's loud. VERY loud!

It's counting....counting heads, counting snacks, counting socks, counting minutes, counting blessings, counting down til bedtime

It's tender moments when compassion surrounds me.

It's booger and tears.

It's fear. Fear I'll lose them. Fear they'll get hurt. Fear bigger than any fear imaginable

It's hope. Hope I'm doing ok. Hope they're ok. Hope they're happy. Hope for the future.

It's freezing the moment. Taking pictures and video. Staring at their faces trying to memorize them just as they are right now.

It's rushing and running.

It's speeding and stressing.

It's watching a lot of cartoons.

It's a lot of worry. It's anxiety. It's concern.

It's sitting down to dinner topless because you've been so busy breastfeeding you don't even notice.

It's never having enough money.

It's a lot of poop, puke and pee.

Its pride...so much pride your heart could burst.

It's late nights and early mornings.

It's forgetting and regretting.

It's trips to the emergency room.

It's beautiful and messy.

It's trying, more trying, and trying even harder.

Its being the best person you can possibly be.

It's precious and adorable.

It's mind-blowing.

It's impatience and patience.

It's waking up everyday with a purpose.

It's mini vacations alone at the grocery store.

It's the deepest sense of fulfillment.

It's struggle and accomplishment.

It's losing my temper.

It's never having enough time.

It's commitment.

It's connection.

Its happiness and pure joy

It's overwhelming.

It's so much pressure.

It's guilt, mistakes, and apologies.

It's a miracle.

It's teaching, learning, and growing together.

It's crazy, hectic and spastic.

It's realizing your child has a project, field trip, performance, or doctor's appointment at the very last minute.

It's hilarious.

It's a lot of deep breaths.

It's improvising.

It's figuring out what really matters.

It's LOVE...in the truest sense of the word.

It's everything I have ever wanted and more.

Much better today...

Yesterday, I took all 5 of my kids with me to my dentist appointment. I woke up with a headache, a sour mood completely drained of patience. Of course we had to be there early, but slept late. Rushing to get ready is by far my least favorite thing to do with children. Yet I do it pretty often. Almost everyday!  I feel like a broken record. "Please feed the dog." " Hey, Did u feed the dog?" "The dog ...can u feed the dog?" (DEEP BREATH)! "I am not gonna remember to remind you again...can u please do it now..so he doesn't starve all day?" My #2 gets distracted very easily. I will ask her to put on shoes, then find her in her room reading. I will ask her to brush her teeth, instead finding her in the backyard. We often joke that she is not from this planet. Doesn't matter how early she starts...she is always the last to be ready. My #1 is usually second in command. My mommy guilt often nags that I'm too hard on her. I ask her to do too much. Truth is, I do. She rises to the occasion. I reward her as often as I can. The boys are 4, 2 , and 10mo. Getting them ready requires a lot more hands on work. They run. I chase. They won't. I bribe. Sometimes, I beg. Most often, I repeat, repeat, repeat until I yell. It feels to me in our hectic dashes to get ready, I speak constantly. A consistent verbal stream of instructions pours out of my mouth non-stop until we reach the car. Its exhausting!
We made it to the dentist. It took 2+ hours, all the while my 5 minions waited in the bathroom sized waiting room. I only had to ask for 2 breaks to threaten  their lives. Many people complimented me on how well behaved they were. I was proud. My mood improved greatly.
Instead of returning to our empty, hot, depressing home. We went to the family fun center. Epic genius parenting move. Although I am prone to sarcasm, I am being quite serious. We had a great time. The air-conditioning was wonderful. There were no half-packed boxes glaring at me. The kids had fun. There was no fighting, no crying, no whining.....from me or the kids. Sometimes, when all I wanna do is crawl in a hole, the best thing to do is get the heck out of the house. It was the perfect break from Moving Madness 2014. It was exactly what we needed.
 I spent this morning appeasing mother guilt by working overtime. She is never happy....kept complaining I hadn't gotten enough done yesterday. It's all about balance. Right? Balance is a bitch!

Moving is no fun!!!

Emotions are running hot. So is the temperature. The kids are bored. I'm running out of time to get way too many things done. These last few days have been a bit stressful. Its time like these that I imagine homeschooling being a total nightmare. Sometimes, I need my kids to go away. That is not much of a reality in our Southern California life. The village I long for is pretty non-existent here. I have learned to accept it. It is what it is. Don't get me wrong there is a handful of wonderful people in our lives. I know I can turn to anyone of them if need be. However, it seems most have good intentions but lack in available time. Myself included. Life here is fast. It's busy. The reality is if a relationship matters to you, you will make time for it.  It almost feels like we have already moved. To some people we are already gone. We have slipped from our spot on their to-do list. We are leaving soon, it may be easier to let the distance begin to grow now. I understand. In a way, I feel the same way. Our life in San Diego can be very lonely. I am reminded as to another reason why we are moving. In the big picture, I believe it is what's best for my family. In the here and now....it's sad, overwhelming and NO FUN!

From here to there and in between

About 4 years ago, my parents moved from the neighborhood I live in now to Selma, Oregon. They bought a beautiful home on 10 acres. They started raising goats and gardening. As a family it was always our intention to build some type of commune in Oregon together. We all wanted to build a sustainable life. Of course, life has its way of changing made plans. Circumstances have taken us in different directions. It has always been our intention to eventually make it to Oregon. Through some self recognition., I realized sharing a property with my not always functioning parents and sister may not be the best idea. However, we knew we wanted to move, we all want to be close. Last year an incredible property near my parents went up for sale. During my pregnancy with #5, I took a flight up to Portland with the intention of a quick trip down to see this property. That road trip was beyond adventurous....more like dangerous. This isn't overly relevant but its kinda funny. I had a 5 hour drive with #1 who I had brought along for the trip. We woke up early, I took 2 Tylenol and got ready to head out. During that pregnancy my head hurt all the time. Before I even started I  needed a cat nap. After a brief rest we hit the road. Well, during that 5 hour road trip I ended up drinking 2 cups of coffee, a 5 hour energy drink, and taking 2 more cat naps. I chalked my exhaustion up to being pregnant. Now, I realize those substances are not ideal for pregnant woman but I couldn't keep my eyes open. I had an appointment with the real estate agent at 3 o'clock, which was approaching quickly. Well, it ended up I had accidently taken Tylenol PM that morning. The clearance sticker covered a good part of the label. Genius, I know! Anyway, I digress. I arrived at the property at 3pm, zombiefied. It truly was amazing. The list price was $220,000. In California this home would easily sell for $750,000. Through heartache, stress and a miracle we were able to buy the house. It is a 3,300 sq ft, 7 bedroom, 2 bath, home on almost 4 acres. There is a workshop. It has a huge fenced garden area, already home to apple trees, cherry trees, strawberry patches, and lots of grape arbors. This is a move we had been talking about making for 4 years. An opportunity presented itself that we could not pass up. So, the process began. It was not feasible to make the move at that time. The kids needed to finish out school. I had to have the baby. Our home in Oregon has been rented out until now. On August 15th  it becomes avail to us. Our current home is empty, minus a few essentials. It is freshly painted, clean, and set to go on the market next week. My children are enrolled in homeschool in Oregon. Their materials and supplies will be arriving at our new home soon.
We currently live in a pretty suburban neighborhood. There is plenty of shopping near by, school is down the street, and my husbands job is 20 minutes away. Our current home is 960 sq. ft. with one bathroom. Yes, all 7 of us share 1 bathroom. Things are about to change. Change.. in an everything is going to be totally different kinda way. We will live 20/30 miles away from town. We are giving up convenience. We will work harder. The hope is to connect to life, connect to food, and most importantly connect to each other. I read a great blog today about missing the village Ive never had. Through this move, We will find our village. We will build our village! We are chasing dreams. Hope you enjoy following our journey!