Knots in my stomach

I can't sleep. My oldest had a sleep over last night. Her first here. She is almost 12 and her new friend, 13. They met through their grandmothers. They have only hung out a few times. I'm the one who suggested the sleep over. I wanted to meet this girl. I want my daughter to have friends here. I am sick with dread. This girl just didn't seem like the type of friend my daughter would pick. Is she desperate for friends or does she really like her? Please tell me I am over reacting? Obviously I need to expand her bubble. If this is a glimpse into parenting a teenager..I'm in for it. I'll be sipping wine all day, popin zanax like it's candy. I can't take it. My stomach is in knots. I would do anything to protect my children. I will do anything to keep them safe. This girl is bad news. I can smell it a mile away. I'm afraid if I tell #1 no...she'll just want her more. I will do everything in my power to give #1 other choices. Covertly, like a mom ninja. I will strongly steer her in another direction.  I'm starting to doubt homeschooling for numerous reasons, but this may be the front runner. It's time to drastically expand our circle of friends.

Here's why.....

One might wonder why a person would give up a steady income, health insurance, a home in southern California, and a quality education for their kids. So many thoughts have been running through my head lately. I want to share why I gave it up.
I have an enormous responsibility to the 5 children I have brought into the world. I truly believe that the way things are today are not sustainable. Recourses are limited. It's a fact. I believe there will be a day we reminisce about our carelessness with water. "When I was young we used to wash our cars and water our lawns". There is so much discussion about the water shortage, especially in California, but most don't really listen. There will be regret. There will be a day when our air quality is less than breathable. A time when people are surrounded by garbage. Where is this away we think we are throwing things? The trash island the size of Texas will grow. The planet will get warmer. The ice caps will melt. Storms will get worse. There will be consequences to the choices we have made. Things will drastically change. Do I believe this will happen in my lifetime? Probably not. Do I believe it will happen in my children's life time. You bet! It is my responsibility to teach my kids all of life's skills. My children will understand technology but they will not rely on it. I fear for a time when Google doesn't have the answer. I want my children to be well rounded. I want them to be self-sufficient. They will know how to feed themselves in numerous ways. They will know how to protect themselves from numerous things. They will know how to survive in numerous situations. I don't know what the world will look like in 20 years. 40 years. This Wi-Fi focused generation may web-surf themselves right into ignorance and disaster.
I want to make sure my kids haven't developed a false sense of security in an ever changing world. My hope for our homestead is that no matter what happens in the future, my children will have shelter, food to eat, and skills to survive. This is not the only reason we moved....but it's a big one.

All my children

We worked pretty hard today. The chicken coop area is fully enclosed. We are moving the compost pile to a different location, so all the kids had shovels. It started pouring rain during our "homesteading" but we all kept working. The kids put in varying amounts of effort. Its going to take some time to work the city out of them. It was pretty cute watching them dig. Even #5 was playing in the mud. It occurred to me, I haven't said much about my kids. I don't want this blog to focus on them but they are definitely included. At first,  most readers knew my children personally but I think that has changed. I'm going to give a hopefully honest but slightly biased description of each.

#1- She is almost 12 years old. She is very sensitive, intelligent, kind, naturally gifted, and spoiled. She is emotional and affectionate. She pouts and cries a lot. Things come easily to her(ie: music, archery, school). She is a great dancer. She is social and into Pop culture. She is pretty bossy and tends to be a perfectionist. She takes on too much responsibility of caring for her siblings. She wants to grow up too fast. She sneaks candy and her tablet. She doesn't like to get in trouble. She has my sarcastic sense of humor.

#2- This one is feisty. She was born early nearly dying. She is a fighter. At 7, she is curious, impulsive, and creative. She doesn't listen overly well. She is really smart...in a way that almost makes things harder for her. She questions everything and test limits. Consequences are not a big deal to her. She adores her older sister and daddy. She writes songs, poems, stories that are way beyond her years. She gets distracted easily. She is playful and silly. When she puts her mind to it, she works very hard. She can be shy but seems to be growing out of it a bit. She may have some issues with anxiety and over stimulation.

#3 He is a wonderful spoiled 4 year old little boy. The son I wanted but thought Id never have. He is super sweet and sensitive. He is gentle and funny. He loves to cuddle, but also wrestle. He doesn't sleep overly well, however has endless amounts of energy. He is manipulative, dishonest, and sneaky.  He has speech issues. He has hilarious facial expressions and body movements. He likes to make people laugh. He's definitely a Mama's boy.

#4 This little guy is 2 now. He is just adorable. His blue eyes and smile are breathtaking. He loves being a big brother. He is pretty tough and a good listener. He gets jealous for Mommy's attention. He is generally super sweet natured although he has a mean side...especially if he is tired. He is the happiest child in the world when he wakes up in the morning or when someone comes home. His enthusiasm is contagious.

#5 My baby boy just turned 1. He is the perfect baby. He has beautiful features and lots of hair. Except for the oldest the rest were big headed bald babies. He is affectionate and dramatic. He learns very quickly. He speaks a few words, walked quickly, and goes with the flow of our big family like a pro. He is a big fan of mommy. He gives great hugs. He is shy around strangers.

Of course I could not possibly sum up the magic that is my children in a few sentences but it's a glimpse.

What has happened to my husband?

This blogging thing has actually turned into something...I'm not sure how much of a something, but it's a something.  It actually gets referred to when I'm having convos with real people. When I went to my sister's premier party quite a few people mentioned reading it. Kinda cool! Who am I kidding? That's fucking awesome. During a typical day many moments pass by when I think...oh I could write about this....or hey, this would make a good blog. Well, today I have decided to share the what seems to be miraculous transformation my husband is under. On more than one occasion this afternoon, I caught him singing. Yes, actual songs, fiction and non. I asked him last night if he liked it here, he exclaimed "I love it". I don't use the term exclaimed lightly....it truly describes his enthusiasm. Even writing my husband and enthusiasm in the same sentence just feels wrong. My husband is a bit gruff. Some have described him as a scary biker. He can be short-tempered, grumpy, and stressed. Although, maybe I should say used to be? He wasn't when I met him. Could he be changing? He is more light-hearted. He is more playful with the kids, more engaged, more present. I think the trees are working their magic on him like they did me. I'll be honest, in San Diego I didn't like the man he was becoming. I knew he was under a lot of stress but it was hard to be around him sometimes. Our happiness as a family was a big motivation to make this move. It is so reassuring to see the him I've been missing. I am falling in love all over again.

Time to get serious

In the last few weeks my hubby arrived with a 24ft truck full of crap to put away, I flew to San Diego to retrieve our mini-van, drove back with two goats, my best friend and her kids visited, I took them to Portland, drove to Washington to visit my grandmother, returned to Portland to celebrate with my sister, and I am finally home. I thought life in the country was supposed to be slower? Maybe life in general just goes by too fast. The winter is upon us. It's time to get serious. Our new guardian dogs will be ready to come home next week. They need a shelter, as do the goats and pig. We need fencing and firewood. Christmas will be in our house this year with my family, I need to get these boxes put away. I am feeling overwhelmed. I recently gave advice to take one thing at a time, doing only what is possible. I'm pretty good at giving out my advice, mostly because I don't use it anymore. I will do my best to stay present, to remain sane. I can only do what I can do....right? A few days ago, I had an amazing moment in which I stayed for as long as I could. Through divine intervention my hotel in Portland was upgraded to the presidential suite. Wow! My girls were with me on this trip but slept in their grandparents room. After all was settled, I laid on the bed, just soaking it all in. The warmth. The quiet. The alone time. It was glorious. Our trip to Portland was to attend a viewing of my sister's spot on Shark Tank. She had a classy intimate gathering at a local brewery. It was pretty magical. Love and support hung thickly in the air.  I enjoyed interesting adult conversation and delightful food. When I returned to the hotel that night, I took a luxurious hot bath. It was another moment that I totally immersed myself in. Breathing deeply. Being. In the morning, we went to the Farmer's market. Portland has such amazing food. I enjoyed a Mexican plate of roasted vegetables, white bean mash, greens, grilled tofu, and mole sauce. Holy Moly...YUM!!! It was freezing but the day was beautiful. I embraced my lack of diaper bag or stroller. I strolled freely. It was the hug my soul needed. Life is good!

Surprisingly without incident

Well I just got off a wild ride of a week. The family spent Halloween in Portland. My husband's birthday is on Halloween. We had a blast. It was such a nice little trip. Our hotel room was beautiful with a breathtaking view of the river. My hubby and I had a fantastic date night filled with delicious food and great company.  Crafts, goodies, and treats were had by all. When we returned to our "farm in progress" I left on a flight back to San Diego the next day. In all the chaos of moving we decided to leave one vehicle behind. He drove the moving truck with his Harley inside, so our tried and true mini van had to wait. It actually worked out really well. My best friend wanted to re-home her goats. I want goats. I also really wanted for her to visit. We made plans for us to return to Oregon with her two children and 2 goats together. My husband calls us Lucy and Ethel. Our ideas are hare-brained but we usually have a good time. This was no exception.   Anxiety was high in anticipation of this trip. Her girlies were first time road trippers. We feared many melt-downs. We worried how bad the goats would smell. I expected annoying whining the whole time by the goats and the girls. However, it was surprisingly without incident. Everybody and every goat rocked it. It was the least painful of all the trips I have made to and fro. We made it in record time. I am now a crispy burnt potato chip. Toasted but home. Busy busy but I wanted to touch base before more time gets away from me.